October 5th Writing Out My Day.
First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today. As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of – I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak.
I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me.
I allow myself to let go of desteni.
I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me.
I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all.
In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened,
I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point.
So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there.
Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God…lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all.
I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak.
So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me.
In terms of education – the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points.