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Moving Through Self Doubt – Remaining Here and Sticking to the Physical

I experienced some doubt coming up today. This ‘doubt’ I experienced was in relation to the current project I am working on with regards to doing Logo Design. I have started with making my own Logo and have enjoyed the process of this and have been working on this now for quite some time, probably over 60 hours so far over a period of around a month. I had/have it at a stage which I am satisfied I can start placing, but then when I opened the file today and looked at it, I judged it and was not satisfied anymore and experienced a drop within myself because I was so close to having this ready to go and start to be able to walk the next stage of the preparation phase which is to place an add on my local job listings site advertising the service at a discount rate from the perspective of simply attracting some projects where I can “gain experience” or rather “fine tune my process” as this sounds ‘safer’ to the client, and so yes place it as a “special Limited time offer”. But today when I looked again at my Logo I was not entirely satisfied and even considered another “re-design” which is like much time and effort and so I experienced this point of Self Doubt coming up, like “this is never going to work”.
I experienced a point of failure as an energetic experience of failing in the centre of my solar plexus / chest and experienced myself giving up. Other points also emerged as I continued to research this point on the internet to see how I will place all the points, and so as I researched began to doubt myself around my experience level.
So the correction Here is to stick to the physical. Ok so I have gotten to a stage where it is not going “as planned” based on my desire which is my energetic projection of how I want it to go, and because the actual physical movement and my energetic projection did not align I went into this experience of “Oh it will never work” though I see the Key is simply to remain HERE. And to just keep walking the physical points. Focusing on the physical direction of the point. I see that this is a cycle, and I am in the “low point” or the stage of the cycle where I would “give in” as going into a point of depression for a while and then eventually starting up with the point again. So rather not go into these cycles. These cycles can go and play themselves out if they want but I will be there. I will be Here directing myself in the physical, so it is irrelevant what energy does as the point is to remain Here.
I fell on this point last time and had a little mini collapse and gave up. So cool to see that it is exactly the same point as before clarifying even further that it is in fact just an energetic cycle.
So breath, remain Here and direct myself in the physical and do not pay attention to the experience of myself of “not being able to do it” of “doubting myself” I mean in practical common sense, I haven’t actually even tested the point yet so have no actual real feed-back that it is not going to work. But rather just having an experience of doubt. So yes I must stick to Here, and not go into positive or negative energy charges about what may or may not happen, because I see that the only real indication of how things are going must be measured in the physical and so will stick to this and continue to move the physical points as they are still here to be moved/directed.

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My Application at the Moment

I have not been consistent with my blogs and vlogs of late. Or much else for that matter, though my mind has been consistent and has been consistent since starting process with desteni. There has been allot of resistance coming up lately. Where I just stop applying myself and literally do nothing. Just existing in observer mode, scanning around on my computer instead of directing self. And in my world doing just the minimum to keep things alive from the perspective of making sure bills are paid. So this has been my application recently. I can call it giving up on myself or something like that but that’s just “cream puffing” it. Or more specifically Manipulation. Saying I have given up on myself is like the whole “underdog thing” who suddenly rises from the ashes or out of the burning building when everyone thought he was finished. That’s one way how I attempt to perceive myself. Its a form of Hope, that I keep inside me. A Hope that I will actually become that which I perceive myself to be within my mind, within my imaginary reality, hoping that this reality is real, because in this reality, this imaginary reality, something ‘great’ happens, There is a happy ending. But this has not yet happened in my real reality. But it is interesting to see this point of waiting for or holding out hope that “something great will finally happen” like it has to, it just has to. Oh how magical. And in some way, holding onto this hope is one of the reasons I keep applying myself. But I see it as a delusion and that until I can let go of this delusion, I will never actually “get anywhere” in real practical reality.

I mean I always saw myself as so much more than I am at the moment, so much more capable, so much more profound. Its like I sit here within my world and look at the potential inside myself and just look at it, but it rarely seems to translate into this reality. At the moment I have quite a ‘knot’ in my neck on the left side. (Maybe from Knot applying myself) This is a reoccurring pain which runs up the left side of my neck, through my jaw, along behind my ear and up to my temple. I slept 11 hours today. That’s the second time I have done that since getting back from the farm loooooong time ago now, 10 months or so. I just slept and laid in bed, knowing I should get out but not. Just laying there. Last night I was very tired at around 10:30 which is rare, though I just went to bed and fell asleep and woke up and was tired. I have been tired allot lately. Probably because I have been in this application of living/existing in my mind. So have noticed myself more tired and more heavy. And so its so much easier to lay in bed from a certain perspective, I mean its not that its easier its more like, I just lay there. Knowing I am in my mind, but not caring. So it is a form of giving in, and allowing the mind. Like tired of fighting the mind, god the mind is relentless. This process is not all roses. Fuck I have been doing this for 4 years now.

So I have not been blogging allot lately or vlogging because I have really only had ‘this’ to report what I am writing now. This is what is actually going on with me at the moment. So there are moments like this in process. I have walked through a few. Like depression and things like that though I don’t like using the word depression as I feel it does not accurately describe my actual experience.

Today I was doing my SRA chat, and Leila mentioned the point of Art, Leila always brings this point up. In terms of art I have been noticing this point of anger and spite and rage within me towards the point, like for example when I see or here of artists selling their work or anything to do with art which is connected to making money. So I have been noticing this point of anger in me here in relation to this point which shows me that it is still a point that requires direction one way or another as I apparently gave this point some direction but really just “left it hanging” I don’t do much drawing or art at the moment, in the last 2 months I have been making these designs for a lady which I decided to “try out” to get an idea of how this entire process worked from the perspective of doing graphic design as a way to make money. I feel like the lady is really taking me for a fucking ride, though this is obviously just me. I charged 250.00 for the entire project and I said within myself that I would “not do it for the money” from the perspective of I required the experience to see how this worked. Anyways I just keep quiet as this lady gives me all these specifics of what she would like and I simply get it done. I have probably spend around 80 hours on the project so far so making a grand total of about $4.00 per hour and the project has likely another 10 hours to go, though I am getting some experience and examples of “my style” in graphic design to use to promote myself in this field. This is also my first time really getting into the illustrator program which I think is really really cool. I decided I would do this. I decided I would start making logos for people as this seemed like a good idea, but have not yet gotten this point launched. It seems practical when looking at it though could not come up with a name for the company which was a problem because well, the whole idea is that I come up with cool Logos for people yet I could not even come up with one for me so I really got stuck on this point. I have a name now which I am going to use. Though if I keep going in the same direction I am at the moment this will actually not get any movement and will never happen. That is clear. Ok there it is my glorious application for all to see, not the pretty picture roses version but the actual version.

It does get tiring trying to Lift myself up all the time. Because that’s what I feel like allot of the time, like I am constantly just trying to lift myself up off the ground and sometimes I wonder if there is a different way. Meaning does it have to be like this where I am just always trying to, or am constantly lifting myself up off the ground or floor and getting myself up and then crash back down again. Then Ok, life (oops typo – though it is lifeing myself up as I breathe some life into me and stand up) I meant lift myself up again and then crash. Like a baby learning to walk, only it is a “mental experience” the crash happen within the mind, and ‘I’ go crashing with it. So I could go now and write about how I am going to stand and do this and do that and try and put a positive spin on things but I don’t see the point at the moment to try and “give hope” or paint a pretty picture of process. Like in the end trying to put a “positive spin on things” because that is irrelevant, either one stand or one don’t and to stand one must face all there is to face to Stand.

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Birthing Life From The Physical – "Desteni I Process"

Quite cool to see this “physical point” coming through at the moment with regards to ‘process’ and what it means to “Birth Life From the Physical” and the realization that ‘Self’, that ‘I’, have actually never or “missed the point” of living here as the physical, but since birth have been slowly but surely “becoming a mind” and living and exiting as that mind “in separation” from the physical, forming ideas, perceptions, beliefs, which I then ‘superimposed’ on top of the physical, until I no longer experienced the physical or considered the physical, or see the physical anymore but only see the ‘Mind’ which I have superimposed onto the physical.
What I see in terms of “Birthing Oneself From the Physical” is to stop “the mind” to “get out of the mind” to “step out of the mind and into the physical” where in my ‘ideas’, ‘definitions’, ‘perceptions’ of ‘myself’ which I lived and experienced within and as the mind will “no longer be” but rather I stand here equal and one with the physical, where my daily actions and considerations and experience will be in relation to and equal and one with “the physical” as I now am standing and exiting as the physical. And Have Birthed Myself From / as the Physical.
Looking at the point of the “Physical Body” – It is physical, and functions in direct relationship to the physical and the “rules of the physical” so to speak. But I have lost touch with “these rules” these ‘Relationships’ “of the physical” that “make up” the movement, and expansion , and expression of the physical.
Because I have not stood equal to the physical, or lived as the physical in stepping out of the mind to live equal and one as the physical, I had not been able to see or understand the “relationships of the physical” I have not been able to understand, to see how “my actions” ‘affect’ the physical, ‘flow’ in the physical, where each action, flow out into the physical, ripple out into the physical as the actual “chain-reaction of the physical” affecting and influencing the physical.
In this World, not all parts of the physical are being nourished or supported as can be seen by war, by poverty, by some points having “it all” and other points “Having nothing” (Rich/Poor)
Thus I see “the point” is to Birth Oneself Into and As the Physical, so that we can see how our actions “flow-out” and “ripple-out” as the actual “chain-reaction” of the physical and influence and affect the physical, this world, the conditions of this world, where they either “flow-out” and cause poverty for instance, or “flow-out” and support the nourishment of ALL.
I see this as a Solution to this world. To become aware of how our actions affect one another, and consider that our every action in every moment is in “cause and affect” as the physical “flowing-out” at all times and permeating out into the physical and having a consequence in this reality. Even the most seemingly small and insignificant moments are “flowing-out” into the physical. Are ‘creating’ this reality.
Thus to assist and support yourself to actually become “Self-Aware” where one begin to ‘Direct’ ones actions in each and every moment to ‘ensure’ the “flow-out” or “Out-Flow” of those actions are ‘Directed’ by Self within Awareness, in consideration of the physical, into a point which support what is best for all. And not more existing here in the physical as “a mind” who’s ‘actions’ are ‘based’ in the mind, and thus not actually considering or is able to see the eventual physical outflow of those actions. Investigate the “Desteni I Process” as the “Desteni I Process” is a structural platform to assist and support self to actually “step out” of the mind and into “the physical” so that one is actually aware of how one “affect and create this reality” and thus is able to “take responsibility” for what is Here as what we have created as this earth, this planet, and Direct Oneself to Bring a Dignified to ALL.

Visit the “Desteni I Process” website : http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

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Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing, Sept 20th – Wolf Dream and Car Crash

I woke up this morning from a ‘peculiar’ dream. I use the word ‘peculiar’ because it had wolves in it, an animal that I don’t often have in my dreams. I was out in the forest in a camp area and there were these wolves around, and we kind of like “moving in on me” Like being predatory. I experienced my life being threatened by the wolves and feared for my life. But I also had a gun and bullets, And I was shooting the wolves. They were big grey wolves. And I remember at one point I was quickly loading my gun which was a hand gun, and I remember placing the bullet in the revolver, and then getting it set to shoot, and as the wolf approached I aimed at him and fired. He flinched slightly but wasn’t sure if I hit him, So I fired again, and he slowed up immediately and began to stumble, then collapsed on the ground, but was still alive. I Then walked up close to him as he laid on the ground, aimed the gun right at his head, and blasted. Then immediately woke up. The Points that come up within this is the point of Morality in where I was not “going halfers” on this thing but was going to make sure that that wolf was Dead. So within the Act of Killing the wolf I simply did what I needed to do, as my life was being threatened. So there was a certainty and a determination there, although this was based entirely on fear, fear of death. Where the world (oops meant to type wolf here, interesting typo) represented the predator or pack of predators threatening my existence. From a certain perspective I can relate this point of the Wolf to the mind and the accepted and allowed battle and struggle I engage in within and towards the mind where in I experience myself in a way fighting myself as the mind, and fighting with myself as the mind. So Here the Wolf actually represent me as the mind as the predator, where I have created myself at the moment within and as my mind to be a predator. And that this predator must has a very “single minded” existence, to be a predator, and to kill and survive off its kill. So From this perspective the Wolf also represent the point of Survival, as the World (Wolf, oops typo again) represent also the point of survival where one must be and has to become ruthless and vicious to be able to survive in this World! I watched some Vlogs today of other people in process and did my daily stuff with regards to Desteni and Ratings Etc. I watched Gian’s Vlog on “pretending” where one is always “pretending” to be something. It is a pretty cool point actually, and immediately saw the point within myself of how I am constantly attempting to “pretend” to be ‘Stable’ Because I wish I was stable. I Wish I was stable and directive and effective in my application and direction in my world, and that much of the time I experience myself as “not this” so then must ‘compensate’ by ‘pretending’ to be stable. And also simply how I pretend to be allot of things in my world. Particularly when I am with people, I see that I actually present myself in a very specific way, in how I speak, the tonality, of my voice, and words I chose. The way I move my physical body, what I talk about, everything of myself go into this presentation point of where I present myself as someone of importance, of strength, of knowledge, of Direction, of Knowing, as Disciplined, as Wise. So I ask myself – Why must I ‘present’ or ‘pretend’ to be these things. The point I see with regards to why I must present these points as myself instead of simply just being here as myself, is because I believe I am not these things, and actually desire to be these things. This reveals that I actually believe that I am not strength, that I am not calm and cool and collected about the way I speak, that I am not stable. The one about speaking in particular, comes up prominently here because I see that this is one point that I really want to be able to do. And its a point where I actually judge myself as being not effective at. Communication. And actually as I watched the Video Gian, made a point of jealously came up where I was jealous because I find in my Vlogs, that I am not stable and directive in my words and what I speak. I see the point as well coming up where I imagine others watching the Vlogs I made, or people who have come to know me “looking up to me” or “making note of” my ability to communicate from the perspective of this being an effective point with me that comes through quite ‘Artfully’ I will say. So Yes this point exist within my as a desire, as a point where I tend to go into judgement and criticism towards myself around my ‘ability’ to speak and communicate with others. Another Point today is I saw a Car Accident! It was pretty big I’d Say, like one of the biggest ones I have encountered in real life, though I have not seen many. This One unfolded right before me – (Ouch, sharp pain/pressure in left temple) I pulled over to the side and I kind of hesitated because I wanted to go and see if everyone was Ok, because it possibly could have seriously injured someone because it was quite an impact. Basically what happened is a Truck pulled was making left turn (or in south Africa would be life making a right turn) where you have to pull out into the intersection, and this truck obviously failed to look both ways and a car slammed into the side of the truck. When I saw this this first thing that came up inside me, was “should I go see if everyone is ok” then the thought came up of me just “wanting to be a hero” So it was at this point I hesitated. By the time I had pulled my Van around into a position that was safe for others on the road, there was a Man who parked his truck and was there checking to see if everything was ok. I was kind of relieved that he did that because then I didn’t have to. But I also experienced guilt for not Just Directing Myself Immediately when I saw the point unfold to Assist. Its like a situation that is so different than what I am used to, I ‘wonder’ how I am supposed to Act, and if its normal or not to check to see if everything is Ok. A point I see coming up at the moment is the point of where I actually see myself as being not effective in a situation like this. Particularly in relation to consoling another or comforting another because I see myself as kind of cold or physically distant, and not very good at actually supporting someone in an ‘emotional’ way, yet at the same time, I don’t mean from the minds perspective, but simply being there for support in a moment of crisis. So yes I experienced guilt come up in this moment, like I failed myself life essentially. This Brought up the point of a past memory from along time ago where a fight happened right in front of me and my friend was being surrounded by about 10 people and there was this point which then escalated and he was right in the middle of it. I watched it develop right before my eyes, but did nothing, I stood back, I hesitated. So with regards to this I see that in that moment I experienced a point of shame and weakness. And this point came up today as I saw this car crash unfold and I did not direct myself to assist. It was like a point of fear caused me to hesitate, to question the whole thing first. Fear of not being able to handle the situation. Fear of not being effective with handling the situation, Fear of just getting in the way, and being out of place. Fascinating because I don’t really see the fear of danger within this, so I wasn’t afraid of the danger element of it – it was the social element, the working with people, and the fear of not being supportive or helpful in a situation like this.

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