Tag Archives: past

Wanting The Future Now Instead of Directing Myself HERE

I experience a pressure right in the center of my back. I had this point come up a few weeks ago as well where I experienced a tension and a pressure in my back which was quite uncomfortable so now this is the second time this is coming up so am able to now see it before it happens in a way, before it compounds.
The last time this occurred it was somewhat of a new unexpected experience where now its like, “Heeeeyyyyy, I know what is going on Here”
The last time this pain point in my back compounded until I threw my back out or tweaked my back by really doing nothing but what I do most days in working on the computer etc. The point became so painful last time that I literally spent an entire day in bed watching movies as I experienced the point as a kind of “Red Light” saying slow the fuck down. Though I don’t see it in exactly the same way this time around though I am able to now see that I am heading exactly towards the same point which was a shock last time to have the pain become so bad that my back just gave out and went all stiff. Manifesting literally within only some hours. Almost as if I am holding a giant sphere made of concrete and it is soooooo heavy and I just stand there holding it and holding it and holding it until eventually my back just snap under the pressure. Its similar to this but a “mental experience” And the pressure is more “energy based” which I experience as a building pressure in the centre of my back.

Hummm – to much “Holding Back” perhaps.
Ok Perspective.
I have been doing more research over the last two days into the graphic design point exploring ways in which to set up the business. I have now been moving into this point slowly over the last three months and so am “getting there” and found this last week have placed a more pointed focus and direction onto this point to get the thing moving. Focusing specifically on the my own logo to start with and I must say I am soooooooooo enjoying working on this and exploring the Adobe illustrator program – Lots of cool points opening up here with what is possible with this programs…anyways…
Because I am in the preparation phases still I am really making sure I do the proper research and placements so that the business model/system will actually work effectively within this reality.
I find that within this there are moments that I become quite excited as I move into the explorations and start to see all this possibilities opening up of what could potentially happen and having certain realizations or seeing how points will fit together and function, and I get soooooo excited that I can hardly contain myself, I am like a wide eyed kid standing in the window of a Candy Shop. Well maybe not the best example. My experience is that I start to see different “potentials and opportunities” that could come from this direction but that these potentials are months even in some cases years away and require much much much much practical preparation, application, walking, and basically, physical direction, meaning the points actually have to be practically walked in the physical step by step, point by point thoroughly and completely and effectively in order to actually facilitate and bring through/manifest these potentials that I see possible into this physical reality in fact so that are physically Here…But I want it all, NOW, ooooooooh and I get so excited, lol.
Ok so this is where I see the pain in my back emerging from. It is a form of attempting to extend oneself/myself into the future. Which is not physically practically possible, its like I am just trying so hard to get there that I strain myself and I in fact strain myself so much that such a point like this emerge as what is happening now with my back and what happened a few weeks ago which literally sidelined me for a few days. STOP! That was the message. Its quite the same as when one have a cool insight come up in a moment and before they loose it they want to write it down real quick and so end up stumbling over the letters in a mad pace and end up with a jumbled mess with all these “red lines” underlining these funny looking words that are definitely not how you spell those words. It is basically the point of getting ahead of oneself.
So I have to remind myself that these things take time. I am not used to that, I am used to immediate results and have not actually before taken on actively the creation of “Long Term Points” which is how I see this Graphic Design Business.
I mean I can slap the thing together and have it up and going asap, but I mean WTF, rather, breathe, be Here, Stop rushing, take my time to investigate each point thoroughly and absolutely so that I build a fully intact foundation with no cracks or weak links. Rather establish the necessary relationships to ensure an effective system. And so that is what I am busy with at the moment, still in the early preparation phases of the point to see how “it could work” So there is both excitement and uncertainty, doubt, and within all this I see it is most effective to remain here within common sense practical considerations and move the point in the physical and take as much time as I require to do it effective so that it will stand and I am not attempting to make up for it later on which is a point that I see has happened on different occasions within my life.
One point I started with is using the “7 Steps of Creation” in how to create a system in this world. This “7 steps of creation” was a recording/document place by Bernard for us to use when we (matti, Cameron, Katie, Darryl, anna and me) were on The Farm exploring the point of developing the Software business. So it is a cool guideline and I have found it practical to have “a way” to do something otherwise its like I don’t have any direction so to speak. So using this “Seven Steps of Creation” as a template model in preparing the Logo Design Business has been cool support in these initial stages.
The best advice I can give myself right now is to take the necessary time that it will require to do it. Do not attempt to cut corners, slow down, if it take months more than it takes months more. Allow myself to be thorough, do not “lose my way”/”Give up” or “Lose hope” because it seems like nothing is happening, remain focused on the task at hand, and consider each and all points in detail and specificity. Don’t expect to have it done slap dash and ready to go. Breathe and focus on the points that are here and direct myself within consistency to get each point that is here moving and directed. If I access any point of rushing – that is not acceptable as that is only indicating that I am missing points. If I am not stable and calm in my application and direction, realize that I am not giving Me or the point the consideration it deserves. Why not create something for once that will stand and that will in fact work, move, and flow effectively within this world. Rather do not cut myself short by trying to take the quick version route. I simply have to walk each step in common sense – not hope, and not allow myself to go into the point of being directed by fear instead of practical common sense seeing, that is where I have to trust myself. And also to have patients, enjoy myself, and be unconditional yet ruthless on the point.

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Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking.

So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them.

Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making.

I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead!

Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through.

This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this.

Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art.

Its like, what is going on with me?

In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things.

I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.

 

I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone.

Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself.

Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy.

Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable.

I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me!

That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me.

Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me.

Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did.

But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger.

I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit.

From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him.

Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting…waiting to see…almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry…then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in”

So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father.

So a point here to explore and forgive.

And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.

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Letting Go of the Past – Daily Writing – October 5th 2010

October 5th Writing Out My Day.

First point of reaction that I want to look at here is the reaction I had as I was browsing through Desteni Forums today.  As I was reading the posts I was reading this one post where Robert was inquiring about getting a volunteer visa. The Reaction I had when I first saw this started with a jealousy point coming up first in relation to Robert from the perspective of me being inferior towards other being in this process. This ‘kind’ of reaction within the point of inferior towards other being in this process has been quite allot. I have been noticing that I still react quite ‘strongly’ in relation to “other beings within this process” particularly those who are younger than me, and also those who will be visiting the farm in South Africa. Within this I see that I immediately go to a point of “believing, seeing, experiencing myself as if I “had my chance” or that “the cool part of my life is over” and that I now must go back to my ‘mundane’ existence of simply living out my life. Within this I see the point of actually having separated myself from the point of “having a cool/enjoyable life experience” where I have abdicated this point in this scenario to “the desteni farm” where in I am actually walking around holding onto this belief that “that was like the pinnacle of my life” and also that I myself am not capable of doing for myself the experience I had at the desteni farm. An interesting point – Its like an accepted and allowed idea or perception of myself as being incapable of providing for myself enjoyment, excitement, intrigue. Its like going to the arcade as a kid and holding back on using up all your quarters, because when your quarters are used up, your fun is over. So in a way I have placed myself in a point where I essentially, “have not more quarters” and there is nothing I can do about this. Its like  belief that I am not capable of providing for me that point of ‘coolness’ I will say, in terms of a ‘life that I actually enjoyed’ Also because of the people there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” the idea that I am not capable of recreating for myself a ‘point’ within this world and my life that is equal to that which I experienced at the desteni farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘hold onto’ and ‘fear losing’ desteni from the perspective of it containing ‘points’ which I see myself as incapable of ‘expressing’ for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self value to desteni from  the perspective of believing that without desteni and specific points within desteni such as the portal, that Life would be “back to normal and boring”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on desteni and the portal for “life to be interesting” from the perspective of actually placing value in this point outside of myself where in I “don’t want that point to go away”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “hold onto” points in separation from me from the perspective of giving them value instead of realizing and seeing value as myself here in every moment, where in I am the source to speak of “my experience”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hold onto anything out of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “get upset” because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my experience of me and the enjoyment there-of is dependent on external forces, and that if I do not have access to those external forces or points than my life will never be fun, or enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the statement of  – I don’t want to be with just me – where in I am actually implying that I am not enough and that who I am as myself alone, is actually someone I “don’t want to be with”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger over the point of “being with me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a shit experience for myself and never do anything to change that, where in I actually create a cool experience for myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to take responsibility for me in creating my own world in self responsibility, but rather want someone else to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “not want” to stand up and create my own reality because then there would never be any surprises.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to entertain me while I sit and do nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this point abdicate my responsibility to another to “lift me up”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “place desteni” as that point which “lift me up” instead of me “lifting me up” so to speak.

I forgive myself that I haven’t taken action within this world and reality to create a system that will actually make interaction expression in this reality cool and enjoyable for ALL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am incapable of creating a scenario that I actually enjoy and that others enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand back and let others create specific events and scenarios for beings to experience themselves within because I fear that I will create something that is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear vulnerability in actually being able to facilitate a cool experience for myself and others in communication and interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear beings depend on me, because I believe that I will simply let them down.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creating a scenario, environment, or situation for myself and others to come together and interact as “not fun” because I actually fear communicating and interacting with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my preprogramming to dominate me from the perspective of seeing myself as uncomfortable around other beings, and there in avoid expressing and interacting with others because of it being uncomfortable and awkward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself as life believing that I am unable to make a life for myself that works and that I enjoy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my expansion and learning to a point outside of me in and as desteni Bernard and the portal, instead of me expanding myself within such a way that I am intrigued and engaged by this self expansion as myself from the perspective of actually really enjoying each moment of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “miss” the farm, instead of simply letting the point go within seeing that it is cool to let the point go, and realize that I am not defined, or dependant on ‘the farm’ where in seeing that this ‘experience’ I have within this point is actually simply based on an energetic charge and a starting point of separation, and that rather, give myself the gift of me, through “letting  this point of the farm go” and standing HERE within my life, HERE in this moment with “no reaction to or towards the farm, but Me Standing as Myself where I realize that who I am is only dependant on myself as the source of me.

I allow myself to let go of desteni.

I allow myself to let go of desteni from the perspective of unconditionally letting this point go as this is simply who I was in the past. Yes it is very cool, though to expand this point, I simply ‘let it go’ and expand me.

I stand here within the realization of to let this point of the desteni farm go, that I am actually allowing me to expand where in I am not accepting and allowing myself to place limits and boundaries on what is possible in this life, in this reality, this existence, but that I unconditionally let the past go and remain here as myself, walking this process to bring about practically, a world that is best for all.

In by hanging onto the past I am not allowing myself to see myself as anything ‘more’ than what has already happened,

I allow me to stand here equal to the desteni farm and all that i experienced where in by letting this point go unconditionally I make the statement to myself that I am equal to the point.

So ya, basically I reacted to the point of seeing that Robert was going to the farm. In a way having a desire to once again go to the farm, although Interestingly enough I experience a resistance to the point of going to the farm as well. Where in I see myself in certain experiences I had there, where there were some tough points and experiences that I had to walk through and that I would rather not face these again. So that is the point of resistance coming up there.

Another point that came up in relation to this point is believing that “if I had something useful to offer” I would maybe be in a different position. Like for example Robert is taking on the point of programming, as well as others which is quite a useful point with Desteni. So here I see the point of wanting to be practically valid in that which I ‘contribute’ so to speak to desteni. Like wanting to be an integral part. Like holding a key responsibility. But again I see that within this there is the dimension of simply wanting a “key point” so to “lock myself in” to desteni, as to never have to lose destei. Oh God…lololololololo, thats fucking funny. The Mind is a sneaky fucker. So this aspect of this point is not valid. However, acquiring or developing myself practically to take on a specific role within this process I see as still being valid. Though how I actually perceive myself within where I currently stand in this point, seems to contain a kind of manipulative view I will say, as in still I experience much doubt as to “my effectiveness” and “role” in terms of having the necessary preparation. I Guess the point Here to Consider is that this is not going to happen by itself. That it is not “meant to be” but that I will actually have to place myself within seeing common sensically where and how exactly, precisely to place myself so that I support the bringing forth of a new equal money system and a world that is best for all.

I had a conversation today with a girl that lives here in the house I am living with. I quite enjoyed the conversation as I would say it is the furthest into depth I have went in terms of sharing my understanding of how things are currently going, and how this world is actually functioning and what points being should really be considering within this world – I also realized that within speak to others, instead of being alone in my room, I actually practically open myself up and become more effective at communicating and interaction with actual real beings. Anyhow it was a pretty cool experience because there are not allot of people one come across, or at least that I have come across that actually are willing to listen. It was fucking fascinating to see this being actually considering these points and seeing these points as common sense as I explained my perspective. Its like seeing myself in a way where in it is quite enjoyable to see a being consider for the first time a question or point that they had not before, where in I see me there considering that point for the first time, when it was first presented to me, and how interesting it was to consider such things, and how, my life changed from that point forward, it become funner, to live and be here on this earth, within considering such possibilities, almost like one goes “fuck I knew it” “ I knew there was something more” “I knew it” like a light goes on inside a being so to speak.

So otherwise still facing this point daily of How exactly I am going to place myself within this process. Obviously money an ‘obstacle’. Interesting though I see the point of being kind of relieved that I “don’t have to consider the point of education at the moment” due to money. Or rather this consideration is something I can prepare for in the future, but do not have to directly face at the moment. So what is this point of relief? One point I see here is that I can avoid doing something that I do not want to do, and in a way, hold onto a point of hope that I can actually do something that is valid and relevant within this process. Also seeing that within the education that my participation with desteni would be less, or like “moving away from desteni” so again here seeing the point of ‘fear’ or the point of ‘holding onto desteni’ which is why I am ‘relieved’ that I do not have to consider education at the moment, which actually represent the point of “moving away from desteni” as I have placed it within me.

In terms of education –  the points where I see I require education is politics and economics as these are points that I know very little about. Meanwhile I can begin Educating myself on these points.

Goodnight.

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Life Experience – Looking at my Past – Sept 26/2009

My experience.

I was supposed to do a muscle communication session with Miate today but postponed going to her and setting up a time, and actually doing it. Rather I suppressed the point. I found/find that within this suppression I actually notice I subjugate myself to others, like a lowering myself , and ‘counting myself out’ like, I am not worthy, only I see that I am the one who deliberately does this to myself, where I diminish myself.  So where in my life did I have a similar situation and experience where there was a “task” or “skill” that everyone was learning, and within this, I was not good enough to do it so was left out in the end.

Grade 6 – Problem Solving

When I was in grade 6, there was “brainstorming group” There was 4 of us that were chosen to represent our school in an eventual branstorming challenge event thingy. When they approached me to ask if I would like to be a part of the team, I was very surprised. And at the same time, honored, I was like – “wow, they picked me out of everyone here, that’s so cool, I must be smarter than I thought” – Because I had never seen myself as smart or brainy. I saw the opportunity as, they picked me, even though I wasn’t a smart kid, but in a way I had potential, so I saw them as trying me out to see if I could do it.

The other three kids in the group were considered smart kids.

So we began to have meetings, basically we would work with problem solving. We would do exercises where we would do word association stuff, like one person would say a word and then the person next to that person would say another word in relation to one just said, and we would go around in a circle, speaking what ever came up. I found I would always hesitate when it came to my turn, and felt much of the times like the other kids would have to explain to me what it was we were doing. It was somewhat humiliating, because for some reason I just did not fit, and so I did not really like going to do the exercises, because I just felt out of place.

Then one day the teacher had an announcement – the contest was a few weeks away and they were only allowed to take three of the kids, so one would have to be a spare. Immediately I knew that would be me. In that moment I saw the other kids as more capable than myself. I really wanted to be able to do it, but in the end, I even voted myself out. Because we took a vote and when my name came up, I even put up my own hand. I saw that the other kids worked better together, they just fit, because they were kind of similar, I was the odd ball, out.

So I voted myself out, partly because I suspected that I would be voted out anyways, so in a way I was attempting to save myself some dignity by ‘choosing’ to vote myself out, even though the writing was already on the wall.

So within that experience, I experienced myself within a form of humiliation, the kind where, I am completely exposed and it is obvious to everyone that I am ‘incapable’ so to speak. That’s why its humiliating, because its out in the open for all to see.

I felt that I never really expressed myself in the group. That I was afraid to, and that I was tentative. Like I closed up, and was nervous to express myself.

I found much of the time this has been me within groups, afraid to make myself know, and express myself openly.

I find a similar experience happening with muscle communication. I feel incapable of being able to do it, and find that I experience a form of humiliation the entire time. And like the brainstorming group, I feel like I am holding the others back, so in this moment, would vote myself out, because I see the others as more capable.

Its like, there was an opportunity to do it, and I have been unable to express myself within muscle communication, but find more so that I am not willing to open up, and place myself self out there for all to see. But rather contract, and

hold myself back within muscle communication.

So more and more, as muscle communication continues I feel “out of the group” and on the side lines, and dejected.

And now I must make peace with this dejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less than others, that others are more holy than me, and better than me, instead of realizing that in fact, we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the words other people think, and believe that because they are able to speak words of oneness and equality, that they are “better” than me, instead of realizing the truth that we are all exactly the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be feel dejected from the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I don’t fit into the world, and within this feel dejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better and more special than me, and that they are living there lives in some powerful marvelous way, where in I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others, when at the end of the day, all here on this planet are actually living life in exactly the same way as me, meaning we are all existing within limitation and dejection, no matter what anyone sais.

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