Category Archives: AndrewGableArtist

2012: My Real Life Journey to Another Dimension – A Process of Ascension.

2012: My Real Life Journey to Another Dimension – A Process of Ascension.

I have just finished writing an article on 2012 and Ascension but I found I could not figure out how to end the article. A point that came up within me in relation to this is that maybe I could not find a way to end it because I was writing the article from a place where I am not.

So I am taking a step back here and am going to write from where I actually am. Where I am actually standing.

It was interesting also as I wrote this article on 2012 that my upper back started to clench up quite a bit and I couldn’t get comfortable in the writing, so yes, I am going to, as mentioned take a step back and see if I can find some ground for me to stand on.

Lol – omg – I accidentally ascended to somewhere else, to somewhere I am not, to attempt to write that last article on ascension.

Ok so flag point here – to ensure that when I go to write something to just check in with myself and make sure I am not projecting myself into some alternate personality or idea of myself but just be self honest with where I am in process and where I am Actually standing.

Ok and my back is relaxing now to – cool.

So the point is to stop judging myself as who I am which then cause me to create an alternate self based on desire – Desire to be something more, something better – In that never actually getting to know or see me because I am never here with me as who I really am but always attempting to exist out there somewhere in some self created god like self that is not in fact who I am.

I basically stepped into some imaginary ascended idea of myself as being somewhere in process and I was attempting to write the article I mentioned from that stand point – Opps, I was standing on a cloud as ascended master instead of standing HERE on solid ground with me where I am actually standing in this moment in my process.

Its a desire to be somewhere in process where I am not. It is also related to self judgement, judging myself for where I am in my process, for how I have walked thus far, and so then I “like magic” place myself in some alternate Ascended dimension of myself and try and express myself from that vantage point – lolololol – Ok this whole sequence of events is ironic, seeing as how the whole topic I started with was Ascension only to realize/see my own Ascension unfolding right before my eyes without even noticing.  – But cool I am seeing another “take” on Ascension in relation to this point how we as beings are constantly A-Sending ourselves into different exalted dimensions of ourselves that is just an illusion of who we really are, and attempting to live in that imaginary perception of ourselves when all the while that is not the real self at all. So the point here I see for myself is to stop judging myself and stop Desiring to be somewhere where I am not – Its best to start here with and as the very guts of me. The not so pretty truth of self.

 

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.eqafe.com

http://www.equalmoney.org

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Filed under 2012 and Ascension, AndrewGableArtist, Artist, destonian

2012: Convincing Myself That I Have Changed.

I started to notice/become aware of this point about a year ago, where it was something that would come up more frequently where I started to see this point within myself where I would build up or create an idea of myself/ of who I am, only to realize that this idea was not at all who I really was and thus, was just in fact an idea created and constructed within my own mind.

This point has “matured” during the past year where I began to see more and more how I would constantly exist within only an idea of myself (energy)and also particularly an idea of myself as someone who is walking process and in the process of change.

When in fact there was very little change actually taking place.

From a certain perspective I see this point as being the current predicament we as humanity find ourselves in. We have superimposed an “idea” of who we are and what this world is onto the actual truth of ourselves and this world, which we are not actually able to see, due to us only seeing our projected idea of ourselves and this reality.

So for me it has been a process to begin to differentiate between this Mind Projected Self and The Actual Self and to thus stop participating with the Mind Projected Self so that I actually start living Here and working with that which is actually real.

This is how I understand it. And obviously all the context put forward by Desteni has assisted and supported me in this process to begin to establish for myself what is actually going on in this reality and how I can approach investigating and working with myself so that it has some actual value. So that it (my life/time) is not just wasted and end up being pointless.

So over the last 4 years I have made many many many many changes – But have come to realize and see that mostly all of these “changes” took place only within my own mind. I had believed and perceived myself to be in a process of change but I was really in a process of just first seeing the difference between what actual change is vs perceptual pie in the sky change.

Or coming to see what it means to “not change”

I simply did not know any better – I had really spent so much time existing as my mind that the mind was the only reference I had in terms of how I had come to assess and make sense of myself and my reality – Thus the mind was where I initially looked to see/assess my process of change.

One way to describe it is as the following;

“One ‘actual’ change, no matter how small, is worth more than a million perceptual changes no matter how big.”

So it took some time for me to actually start to see the actual me. To see that I was not changing for real, but only getting trapped in the mind, within the illusion that I was on the right track

Though I guess form a certain perspective I did actually see this “actual me” but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt uncomfortable about the process I was busy with. Because I could see that I was not actually changing, but it was like I was denying that I could actually see the real me and so just attempted to convince myself otherwise, convince myself that I was changing – when in fact there was very little actual SELF Movement and Lots of Mind Movement, Mind Movement having no actual bearing on the truth of myself, on the real self.

You can change in the mind a million times and nothing will happen – ‘YOU’ are actually not changing. It is the mind that is busy at work constructing these ideas of Self in this process of change But Self as the physical is Actual Substantial Matter and Form, and to actually transform and work with actual substantial matter is different than simply changing within your mind, or creating / reconstructing the Idea you have of yourself.

So this is basically where I am at the moment – Starting to see the actual me down there beneath the layers and layers and layers of perception about who I am that I require to first get through to start to see and work with the actual self.

So in a way I have up to this point just been busy getting through these layers and learning how not to get caught up, trapped, seduced, side tracked by these imaginary perceptions of self so that I can more effectively work with “the real stuff” so to speak.

So this has actually been quite a cool point to have start coming through because I realize that it does not matter how much I change myself within my mind, or convince myself that I am changing, it is irrelevant. What I must look at or pay attention to is Me as the actual real physical substantial self. And to work with myself at that level, and in a way I have really just begun this or am still even in the process of beginning this. I say this because I still daily suddenly realize – “Fuck I have been in my mind that entire time”

I realize that I am a work in progress, that I likely will be working with this “difference” between the Real Self vs the Imaginary Self for some time to come.

So I just wanted to mention this point because I have noticed that lately this point has emerged as something that is more tangible and that I am able to “explain” and place into words.

Lol – Though I do see how one of the primary ways I have/had ended up trapping myself in the imaginary self is through/within my writing! Where I will go and write something, to discover how I ended up making the writing more about forming an idea or perception in the mind instead of actually assisting and supporting and getting down to and sticking with that actual real substantial Me Here in the Moment within my expression. So also here I am working with this dimension of writing. To  develop more stability in this application so as not to get side tracked by the energy / perceptions of the mind so that when I write I am not just busy constructing some idea about something but that I am really Here with me and actually working with the actual real substantial self /  the physical. And in this supporting myself to become real.

I also find one is able to trap oneself in an imaginary idea of self when one is speaking as well as when one is thinking or participating in the mind – Meaning this can happen in writing, speaking or silently – So which is another reason why I wanted to mention this point today because of how “easy” it is…or at least how easy I have found it to get lost within myself in some perception of myself that I constructed either in writing or in the words I spoke or just within thinking/participating “silently” within my mind or any combination of these.

So I will continue supporting me within breathing, writing and self forgiveness to make sure I am walking with me during my days and not floating around somewhere in the mind.

For Further Expansion on the Point of the “Idea Self VS The Real Self” Please See Video Interview– http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B531BWrLN4Y&feature=player_embedded

http://www.desteni.org.

http://www.eqafe.com

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Filed under AndrewGableArtist, Artist, Realizations, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

“Guilt” Illustration by Andrew Gable

I started this drawing simply as self support. I had been doing a few other drawings at the time related to more specific illustrations for Desteni related projects and so I decided to do a “drawing for myself” just as a point to “loosen Up” Which I saw would be supportive on multiple levels.

One, to simply explore a different subject with my drawing tablet which I started using now about 2 months ago and so just exploring what is possible with it (digital drawing) and also just building up my ability within using it.

This then would intern assist with developing more specific skills for further refining the projects I was/am busy with, within desteni.

It also was a point of supporting me within a point/experience I was going through at the time.

This drawing actually initiated from a pain I had in my back. This pain was quite heavy and I decided to rather than just allow myself to “do what the pain wants” which is just to go relax and lay down in my bed, that I would find a way to be directive and so thus decided to make a drawing about it.

I have in the past also made similar themed drawings where I look at how to describe my experience or an experience or pain that I have had or am having using Art, and this was one of those artworks.

It is also about provding an image that can be used as support within the context of the desteni material and walking process – Naturally, everything I do now in art is within the context of walking process as this has slowly but surely become the total context of my life.

In starting the drawing I initially thought I would call the drawing “depression” as the pain I experienced in my back I saw more within the context of depression, as that heaviness that comes over oneself where in they really don’t feel like doing much. But that is precisely why I decided to rather do the drawing, because I required to give myself direction instead of accepting and allowing myself to be directed by this point of depression because in doing that, that would have just perpetuated the entire point/experience. I realized this and so rather decided to make the drawing as a point of support to not just continue to give into this point of depression and just wanting to “be depressed and do nothing” I also thought it would be good because then I would actually give this specific pain within my back some specific attention as I looked at and began the process of describing it using visual means. This way I really start to find words and ways to describe the experience/pain within myself.

I actually “missed the point” in the drawing which initially I was a bit frustrated about. Where once I had done the initial layout, I was seeing that my “description” or “Illustration” was not depicting/describing the actual experience/pain I was having. But this took a while to do the layout so just decided to follow the point through and remember to next time make sure I am more specific in making sure I get that exact point/pain/experience of self.

But for this one, I thought I’d just see the point through to also see if this frustration I had at “missing the point” was in fact real because I had had experiences before where I initially don’t like how some drawings are going but do not give up at that point and just push through that  frustration, and end up satisfied in the end – Thus I decided to just keep going with it. I have done many drawings where it seems like it is “not working” for while to then push through that experience and find on the other side I am satisfied.

So I placed in the word “Guilt” today and I could actually relate to the image even though it was not exactly what I had intended to do in the beginning.

What I see is the following.

Stop guilt before guilt stops you!

If you look at the being in the image – he is completely weighed down by his guilt as the heavy rocks which he has accumulated through time. Eventually the guilt will hault you in your tracks.

This drawing shows that it is really impractical to carry around your guilt. And that you in fact can’t, because eventually it will just weigh you down until you are stopped in your tracks and in a way forced to let go of it.

This is interesting because I did not intend to illustrate this point as how I am now relating to it – so from a certain perspective the drawing is actually showing me something that I did not intend and was not expecting. Yet at the same time I was exploring a point within myself and ended up seeing an aspect of myself though not what I expected – Cool!

So yes, I see this point in myself of how I hold onto things (Guilt) so much until I literally can no longer move, where it just weighs me down and weighs me down

I must keep an eye on this point to make sure I am not accumulating the rocks of guilt where I am then racked with guilt which make it very difficult to move/express. Because in a way it is like I do not even notice I do it and then all this shit just builds up and pile on and I get stuck in my tracks. I mean if you look at the drawing –  that is some Extensive Shit there – I mean that is like holding onto the shit until it is well beyond practical – And this is something that I see I have done in the past as well, Simply not forgiving myself for my past but just hanging on until it is just to much and I end up having no other choice to just let it go.

So I will continue my process of walking self forgiveness and work on this point of actually supporting me to Learning how to let go and forgive myself rather than just have all this shit pile up within me.

Watch The Timeline’s of Transformation by these Destonians who decided to walk the process of self change, self investigation and self forgiveness

Maya
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5D6B961D83CFCE99
Malin
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL25E95574AAF58A81
Ann
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0CA747E54AA4A30D
Niklas
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL81DE39D527B661E7
Andrew (Me)
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL735D8A50910965D6
Kim
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL735D8A50910965D6
Marlen
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCC6C700A73112C6B
Matti
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL8DCCBB998644F2C3
Anna
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL0C97A56FDC7D704F
Viktor
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLCDF6C7A72E5857AB

 

Also for Self Supportive Products Visit to assist and support within your process of Self Honesty and Self Stablization Visit – Eqafe.com

Featured Eqafe.com Product

What is Sex? introduction. – 6 Part Series of Audio Recordings – Why and how and for what purpose sex became part of the creation-design of the Human-Race

 

http://www.desteni.org

http://www.desteniiprocess.com

 

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Filed under AndrewGableArtist, Artist, eqafe.com, Re-Creating Self and this World

Investigation of Sleep And Dream about Art coming Crashing Down

So what is this “sleep point really” last night as I went to bed I experienced myself as being ‘more tired’ and ‘less here’ and usually when I experience myself this way when going to bed, it is likely that I will not get up in the morning when my alarm goes off but allow me to sleep in. This experience of self is simply me not directing myself but more like having already given in to the mind, and am more just “surfing along” in observer mode. And so this morning I slept passed my alarm and laid in bed not getting out. Just lying in there and drifting in and out of sleep. Instead of immediately directing myself when I wake up on the first breath, where I take a breath and direct me out of bed, no matter what I “would like” to do.
There is a slight resistance towards “my world” and so stay in bed as really this point is a point of me avoiding self direction. Like in bed is place where I am safe from having to direct myself, as its like a safe zone, and I just lay there like a zombie ragdoll blob not having to direct myself in any way but can just exist in the mind in dreams, and thoughts, and blankness. There is not responsibility while I lay there, so when I get up, I have to face responsibility.
Also I find a tend to drift in and out of sleep and dreams, and the very moment I allow myself to “close my eyes” and “drift back into sleep” I am essentially “giving me over to the mind” as I drift back into “my dreams” my alternate reality that is the mind, and not being Here within and as the physical in self direction.
But it is interesting to see the connection of this point of “sleeping in” to the night before where its like “I know within myself” that I will probably sleep in, and I go through the motions of setting my alarm and saying to myself I will get up, but when the window of opportunity arrives in the morning, I close it shut as to prevent and stay warm in my blankets. The warmth being a justification as to why I am not getting up. Every morning there is a momentary opportunity to direct myself into my day. It is very rare that I ever sleep in “by an accident” mostly I always wake up to the alarm and in that moment have the opportunity to direct myself or not.
So days when I direct me more, and am not “allowing the mind” but more directive here in my day to day actions of self, I find it easier to wake up the next morning and immediately direct myself.
Dream
Last night there was a section in my dream where I was standing on a roof top with my easel and painting equipment and I was setting up to make a painting, I was standing up on the very peak, very high up on this roof top and there was not allot of room to be up there, but I was ‘insisting’ that I be up there, and so I was getting myself set up and all of the sudden my entire set up slipped from the roof and crashed down to the ground in a big heap, smashing into the ground quite far below. I stood on the roof-top and looked down at those on the ground and realized that ok they were right when they mentioned that what I was doing was not so safe, where I had ‘insisted’ that it was fine.
So it was quite interesting this point within my dream, particularly in relation to the point of Art within my world. I mean the rooftop is exactly the same shape as the “A” in art where I stood on the peak of this rooftop setting up my easel and painting equipment and then suddenly the entire point lost its footing and came crashing down.
Art in my world has not stable footing. At least this is how I experience and perceive the point within me, and so the dream in a way is showing me “the standing” of Art in my world. On the roof top I had a high view of everything, and I was on top essentially and had to climb up the ladder to get there to the top. Standing in the peak, though there being not enough room, so having to be so careful as to not make a mistake and knock off my painting supplies, which eventually happened on its own.
Art is precarious
It is a risk
The place of art in my world has been quite an interesting process for me of late. As I see it going more and more away, where I do art much less, and from a certain perspective find it has not “practical place” within this reality. When I do art, my life becomes precarious, and it is a risk. Particularly as I attempt to utilize art to support me to generate an income and practically support me within this reality, In doing this I find my world becomes more precarious and uncertain , there is no stable footing as art does not support this stable footing within this world at all, which was illustrated in the dream as the “Art” essentially crashed down and destroyed itself, as there was/is simply not enough room for art in my world on the rooftop.

Easel
Easy
Ease
All
E-Sell

Rooftop
Roof
oo
Roo

The Rooftop symbolizing “being on top” in the system. And Climbing up the ladder to get to the top where I can have a view of everything, and look out over the world and have a wide view of everything, and there is simply not enough room for me to “take art along” as it “does not belong” or able to also exist on the rooftop, on the top, as there is simply not stable point for it to stand.

So of late in my world, my focus has been on money, and business, and looking at the current way the system works, and directing myself within my world to be effective within the system, and no more focussing on art, and as mentioned where art is actually becoming less and less in my world. Where I no longer spend my “free-time” to do art, but am at the moment looking at art from the perspective of generating an income with it, meaning, the art I do will be in relation to a point of making money, and thus, art is becoming less and less, as it simply is not sustaining itself from the perspective of having any relationship with money what so ever.

So some interesting points in relation to Art (that which I apparently loved the most) basically becoming ‘non-existent’ in my world, and taking one final crash down.

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Filed under AndrewGableArtist, Artist, equal money system, Life Experiences, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

"Sustaining a Point" – Standing Up is this World

Sustaining a Point.
At the moment I am seeing a point here with regards to ‘sustainment’. This is the point of seeing that in order to ‘exist’ within the current world system. It requires one to actually ‘sustain’ that motion or application.
I see that this has been quite a resistance point for me within my life, where in I must ‘sustain’ something, particularly if it had anything to do with the system.
But as I am here at this moment, walking through this point of “finding myself a job” in this world to earn money as a practical support point, I am seeing that, If I would actually like to “Stand-Up” within this system that I am going to have to do exactly that which I have resisted doing for many years, that being, actually ‘sustain’ the point. Actually “take-on” projects or relationships in the system which I must then ‘commit’ to.
One of the ‘problems’ I had within finding work or jobs in this system, is I simply could not bring myself to commit to them. Mostly because they were ‘empty’ or ‘pointless’ from my perspective anyhow. Though at the moment these ‘excuses’ or any other ‘idea’ or ‘opinion’ I can come up with as to why I am not yet ‘committing’ to a job in this world, are not, within where I now stand in awareness of the point of Self-Responsibility, Valid.
My current understanding of Self – Responsibility is actually supporting me at the moment to stand up within this world.
I have started to realize that I am alone.
That no one is going to help, assist, support, save, provide, motive, encourage, pull me up on my own two feet, but that this must, and only can be done by me. That is not to say that assistance and support from others is not Here. It is a realization that to Stand on my own two feet, that I must do this alone without the expectation, hope, desire, want, or need of others to ‘help’
To realize one is alone is actually empowering, because then one simply stop looking outside self for support and assistance, and really start to support oneself in what ever way possible to Stand-Up within this world and Support a Solution that is best for all.
I realize that I must Stand Here under my own steam.
I realized that even a belief that “I cannot do it” is no longer acceptable.
Any reason I come up with, feel, or experience as to “what is holding me back”, “where I am unable to stand”, “why I am unable to do this”, “what is preventing me,” “where I am limited”, within this process is simply not valid, and I can no longer accept and allow that to direct me, as that is me “giving-up” that is me, saying that “I cannot do it”, without actually investigating these apparent “shortfalls”

I don’t have enough time
I don’t have enough money
I don’t have a car
I don’t have the right skills
I am not smart enough
I am so far behind
This will never work
Everyone else is better than me and more qualified than me
I don’t have enough education.

I see the point that all of these excuses simply do not hold up against my awareness and understanding of self-responsibility. Because Self-Responsibility implies that there are no excuses.

And within this I see how an excuse is really an accepted and allowed limitation that one can either decide to accept or not.

I see that I can no longer accept any excuse or justification as to why “I cannot do this”.

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Filed under AndrewGableArtist, COMICAL SENSE, desteni equallife network, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking.

So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them.

Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making.

I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead!

Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through.

This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this.

Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art.

Its like, what is going on with me?

In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things.

I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.

 

I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone.

Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself.

Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy.

Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable.

I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me!

That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me.

Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me.

Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did.

But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger.

I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit.

From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him.

Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting…waiting to see…almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry…then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in”

So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father.

So a point here to explore and forgive.

And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.

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