Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room.
One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture.
I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow. That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!…Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps.
Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked.
The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction.
I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this.
I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool.
I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school.
I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another
She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection.
How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective.
I am going to stop there for tonight.