2012: Convincing Myself That I Have Changed.

I started to notice/become aware of this point about a year ago, where it was something that would come up more frequently where I started to see this point within myself where I would build up or create an idea of myself/ of who I am, only to realize that this idea was not at all who I really was and thus, was just in fact an idea created and constructed within my own mind.

This point has “matured” during the past year where I began to see more and more how I would constantly exist within only an idea of myself (energy)and also particularly an idea of myself as someone who is walking process and in the process of change.

When in fact there was very little change actually taking place.

From a certain perspective I see this point as being the current predicament we as humanity find ourselves in. We have superimposed an “idea” of who we are and what this world is onto the actual truth of ourselves and this world, which we are not actually able to see, due to us only seeing our projected idea of ourselves and this reality.

So for me it has been a process to begin to differentiate between this Mind Projected Self and The Actual Self and to thus stop participating with the Mind Projected Self so that I actually start living Here and working with that which is actually real.

This is how I understand it. And obviously all the context put forward by Desteni has assisted and supported me in this process to begin to establish for myself what is actually going on in this reality and how I can approach investigating and working with myself so that it has some actual value. So that it (my life/time) is not just wasted and end up being pointless.

So over the last 4 years I have made many many many many changes – But have come to realize and see that mostly all of these “changes” took place only within my own mind. I had believed and perceived myself to be in a process of change but I was really in a process of just first seeing the difference between what actual change is vs perceptual pie in the sky change.

Or coming to see what it means to “not change”

I simply did not know any better – I had really spent so much time existing as my mind that the mind was the only reference I had in terms of how I had come to assess and make sense of myself and my reality – Thus the mind was where I initially looked to see/assess my process of change.

One way to describe it is as the following;

“One ‘actual’ change, no matter how small, is worth more than a million perceptual changes no matter how big.”

So it took some time for me to actually start to see the actual me. To see that I was not changing for real, but only getting trapped in the mind, within the illusion that I was on the right track

Though I guess form a certain perspective I did actually see this “actual me” but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt uncomfortable about the process I was busy with. Because I could see that I was not actually changing, but it was like I was denying that I could actually see the real me and so just attempted to convince myself otherwise, convince myself that I was changing – when in fact there was very little actual SELF Movement and Lots of Mind Movement, Mind Movement having no actual bearing on the truth of myself, on the real self.

You can change in the mind a million times and nothing will happen – ‘YOU’ are actually not changing. It is the mind that is busy at work constructing these ideas of Self in this process of change But Self as the physical is Actual Substantial Matter and Form, and to actually transform and work with actual substantial matter is different than simply changing within your mind, or creating / reconstructing the Idea you have of yourself.

So this is basically where I am at the moment – Starting to see the actual me down there beneath the layers and layers and layers of perception about who I am that I require to first get through to start to see and work with the actual self.

So in a way I have up to this point just been busy getting through these layers and learning how not to get caught up, trapped, seduced, side tracked by these imaginary perceptions of self so that I can more effectively work with “the real stuff” so to speak.

So this has actually been quite a cool point to have start coming through because I realize that it does not matter how much I change myself within my mind, or convince myself that I am changing, it is irrelevant. What I must look at or pay attention to is Me as the actual real physical substantial self. And to work with myself at that level, and in a way I have really just begun this or am still even in the process of beginning this. I say this because I still daily suddenly realize – “Fuck I have been in my mind that entire time”

I realize that I am a work in progress, that I likely will be working with this “difference” between the Real Self vs the Imaginary Self for some time to come.

So I just wanted to mention this point because I have noticed that lately this point has emerged as something that is more tangible and that I am able to “explain” and place into words.

Lol – Though I do see how one of the primary ways I have/had ended up trapping myself in the imaginary self is through/within my writing! Where I will go and write something, to discover how I ended up making the writing more about forming an idea or perception in the mind instead of actually assisting and supporting and getting down to and sticking with that actual real substantial Me Here in the Moment within my expression. So also here I am working with this dimension of writing. To  develop more stability in this application so as not to get side tracked by the energy / perceptions of the mind so that when I write I am not just busy constructing some idea about something but that I am really Here with me and actually working with the actual real substantial self /  the physical. And in this supporting myself to become real.

I also find one is able to trap oneself in an imaginary idea of self when one is speaking as well as when one is thinking or participating in the mind – Meaning this can happen in writing, speaking or silently – So which is another reason why I wanted to mention this point today because of how “easy” it is…or at least how easy I have found it to get lost within myself in some perception of myself that I constructed either in writing or in the words I spoke or just within thinking/participating “silently” within my mind or any combination of these.

So I will continue supporting me within breathing, writing and self forgiveness to make sure I am walking with me during my days and not floating around somewhere in the mind.

For Further Expansion on the Point of the “Idea Self VS The Real Self” Please See Video Interview– http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B531BWrLN4Y&feature=player_embedded

http://www.desteni.org.

http://www.eqafe.com

Having a Closer Look at my Day – Desteni Process Blog

I woke up to my alarm this morning at 6am…I got up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed. It had not so this meant I did not have to go out to work, which I was not expecting anyways. So I got back under my warm covers telling myself it was only for a moment. I laid there and allowed the point of possibly falling back to sleep all the while attempting to motivate myself through thinking to get up and out of bed. I eventually got up at 6:45. I experienced anger and guilt. But not allot, where I find the longer I sleep in past my alarm then the more anger and guilt I experience, depending also on where I am “in the cycle” meaning if this is a repeating point then I tend to become more angry and have more guilt. Ok so I was up and was a bit angry with myself but not much I can do about it now.
I don’t see, or have found that I am not able to “forgive myself” for doing this, because that would be like trying to forgive yourself “after the fact” for doing something instead of applying forgiveness in the moment to support self to push through a specific resistance. The correction for this point as I have I am sure mentioned before is to simply stick to the alarm and stop allowing myself to short change myself when I see I am capable of doing something.
On my way to work this afternoon I decided to stop and get a coffee which I often do when going to work, I noticed as I pulled up into the parking-lot that I experienced a little electrical experience of excitement rising out of my stomach and into my chest area, like one of those “sparkler thingy’s” that you light and they fizzzzzz and shoot off bright sparks all over. This was definitely a positive charge from the perspective of maybe possibly seeing someone that I might find attractive working or being in the cafe, so it is like this aspect of relationship still existing inside of me which “pops up” in moments because I can see that this seemingly small electrical charge that came up is actually connected to the relationship point and sex point.
As I walked towards the cafe from my van, In one moment I lost my footing on the ice and nearly fell but adjusted my feet in time to catch myself before I fell. I experienced my ‘ego’ come up immediately and showed me how extensively I was/am existing within my ego personality from the perspective when I slipped I experienced embarrassment as now my ‘image’ of who I was in that moment existing as completely shattered, as in that moment I was cool and collected, and serious, and professional, and precise and surely do not slip on the ice and flail my arms all about to try and re-gain balance. So it was a physical movement point here to in how I move within my specific presentation. Such a fuck up as the “Flux” I experienced as movement as embarrassment was quite allot from my perspective which indicate the degree I was not Here but rather existing as an ego, and I am seeing to also how this become more prominent as I go out in public. Upon entering the cafe I experienced immediate relief within myself, like a point of inner relaxation come over me as I noticed it was a male working the till, as I experienced fear that there may be an attractive women working the till. This is actually quite an odd point. Ok so I experience excitement within myself that I might encounter an attractive women. But then I go into fear over this point to the degree where I tense up and am no longer myself at all, and then when seeing it is a male working the till, I completely relax and am able to “be myself” otherwise I would just be this robot locked in fear if it were an attractive women. So yes obviously this point requires specific direction so that I no longer have this reaction at all to women but rather get to the point where I am not longer controlled by this point but that I am directive, here, myself, with no matter who.
I Got my coffee and went, I did not tip, felt a slight negative charge, guilt, what will they think that I did not tip.
Coffee was perfect. I was pleased and looked at the person who made my coffee thinking he is experienced at his job and is stable in making the coffees and so got a cool coffee.
When I got to work I again experienced that slight excitement within rising from my stomach into my chest, this was due to a worker that I have not yet met but only know of and wondering if today maybe I will meet this person and what she might look like. So same point as before, relationship and sex. In these moments I simply breath and do not go into the point. Sometimes I go into it but I realize the point is to simply not, to breathe and just breathe and support self to remain here with and as self and stop all participation in energy, this is the understanding that I apply.
You know, what goes up must come down. I am seeing this point now as well within my writing here from the perspective of writing from and within the starting point of energy where in if I build up all this energy to write a blog and then launch myself into it, it is like this rolling ball of momentum until the energy runs out and then the blog is over. Rather I see the point of being constant and consistent within the point of writing where I support myself by not accepting and allowing myself to go into energy when I write as what goes up must come down. So within this I can support myself in my process as I do much writing and have been exploring this point of remaining Here within and as the physical as I direct myself within my world and in this case writing as a way to be more consistent and not “burn out” all of the sudden.
So will be cool also to just expand this point and identify all the moments and points within my world where I access energy and to stabilize myself here by rather than moving within my day within and as energy, I direct myself within and as the physical and stick to the physical and breath as I walk. It is quite interesting to see how extensively I have existed within energy in my life as I always considered myself to be “more stable” and not so much energetic but am now seeing that I live much of the time within and as energy, and so to step out of this “existing as energy” has been cool, and from a certain perspective has only just begun. This entire reality is based on energy, on positive and negative and so will be pretty cool to see how it goes in terms of walking the process of “stepping out of energy” from the perspective of being directed and moved and influenced by this but rather where one direct oneself Here as Life as the practical consideration of what is best for all. So it is a change in principle so to speak, from the principle of directing myself according to energy, to directing oneself according to what is best for all.

Moving Through Self Doubt – Remaining Here and Sticking to the Physical

I experienced some doubt coming up today. This ‘doubt’ I experienced was in relation to the current project I am working on with regards to doing Logo Design. I have started with making my own Logo and have enjoyed the process of this and have been working on this now for quite some time, probably over 60 hours so far over a period of around a month. I had/have it at a stage which I am satisfied I can start placing, but then when I opened the file today and looked at it, I judged it and was not satisfied anymore and experienced a drop within myself because I was so close to having this ready to go and start to be able to walk the next stage of the preparation phase which is to place an add on my local job listings site advertising the service at a discount rate from the perspective of simply attracting some projects where I can “gain experience” or rather “fine tune my process” as this sounds ‘safer’ to the client, and so yes place it as a “special Limited time offer”. But today when I looked again at my Logo I was not entirely satisfied and even considered another “re-design” which is like much time and effort and so I experienced this point of Self Doubt coming up, like “this is never going to work”.
I experienced a point of failure as an energetic experience of failing in the centre of my solar plexus / chest and experienced myself giving up. Other points also emerged as I continued to research this point on the internet to see how I will place all the points, and so as I researched began to doubt myself around my experience level.
So the correction Here is to stick to the physical. Ok so I have gotten to a stage where it is not going “as planned” based on my desire which is my energetic projection of how I want it to go, and because the actual physical movement and my energetic projection did not align I went into this experience of “Oh it will never work” though I see the Key is simply to remain HERE. And to just keep walking the physical points. Focusing on the physical direction of the point. I see that this is a cycle, and I am in the “low point” or the stage of the cycle where I would “give in” as going into a point of depression for a while and then eventually starting up with the point again. So rather not go into these cycles. These cycles can go and play themselves out if they want but I will be there. I will be Here directing myself in the physical, so it is irrelevant what energy does as the point is to remain Here.
I fell on this point last time and had a little mini collapse and gave up. So cool to see that it is exactly the same point as before clarifying even further that it is in fact just an energetic cycle.
So breath, remain Here and direct myself in the physical and do not pay attention to the experience of myself of “not being able to do it” of “doubting myself” I mean in practical common sense, I haven’t actually even tested the point yet so have no actual real feed-back that it is not going to work. But rather just having an experience of doubt. So yes I must stick to Here, and not go into positive or negative energy charges about what may or may not happen, because I see that the only real indication of how things are going must be measured in the physical and so will stick to this and continue to move the physical points as they are still here to be moved/directed.

Environment Changing me is Not Actual Change.

I was looking at the point of what we as human beings require consequence to change. Or why we has beings, as individuals require consequence to change. Now the reason I place it this way as I have noticed this point within me where I rather than actually will myself to change my nature I rather let it play out until I hit a consequence which will then bring me to a point of actually making a ‘serious’ consideration to change my application, my participation, my nature, my behavior, myself. I place the work ‘serious’ in quotes because even though when there is a consequence I must face which then “push me” to consider change ‘seriously’ I see that I have/had not yet gone deep enough or taken this point seriously enough because what I find is that I don’t actually change. But “forget about it” until the con-sequence come around again and it is the same point over again.
So no matter how hard I look or take seriously the point of change, I end up forgetting and back to the same ol’ patterns. And even saying to myself to watch out for forgetting because I have been through that before, yet end up forgetting.
When I left the Desteni Farm I was a different person. And what I have found is that since being back in Canada I have really faced myself. Because now from a certain perspective I am in the “Matrix”, lol, that sounds so epic, lol.
So Here is how the story goes. I create myself within and in relation to and along with my environment for 26 years. Then, I am taken from that environment and placed into a completely new environment on the Desteni Farm. Then I start to apparently change which is all fine and cool, and I spend two years in this new environment and experience myself differently in that for this two years I participate within the world not like I had previously. Ok cool so now there is some “change occurring”.

Then take me out of this new environment and place me back in my old environment and what do you suppose happens. I go back to how I was living before – So what does this show me. That I in fact had not changed. From a certain perspective there was a process of change occurring but within looking at the point I see that this was more of an external change where I was more changing in response to my environment as a kind of from the outside moving inward kind of change. So when the Environment changes then I change, seeing as how the “Change” I experienced on the Desteni Farm was largely from the outside in.

I mean if would have taken a point on from the very centre core of myself and changed, more from the perspective of changing me from the very starting point of me…well not “from the perspective of” but rather had actually in fact gotten to the very beginning of me then it would not matter where you place me, and what environment I am in as the change that would be occurring would be from the inside out, and thus the change would be actually be a Self Change.

So in many ways this is the point I am seeing with regards to how I have attempted change and that no matter how serious I am about it that I always end up forgetting, as the change is more of an idea and the one Key Factor I see that I am missing is Knowing who I am and actually living and existing as myself here within breath. Because if I am Not Here, then how is change supposed to happen if I am no where to be found, how then am I supposed to change.

So from a certain perspective the point I am busy with now is not “changing” per se but rather ‘getting to self’ and being here with self, living and walking that self in every breath, so I can actually walk a point of change. And all it takes is one second and one moment to flee, to abandon myself and off into the mind, and actually not even realize it.

I noticed even today I was not Here, yet I was almost Here – lol. Because when I am Here, I know it, but today there exist within me this “point off in the distance” like “what is that” and so I go just looking out over there, just trying to see what it is out there, and in this slight diversion I miss ME all day. So specific.

Identifying Re-Occuring Projections/Desires – Desteni Farm = Self Discipline

A point came up with regards to projection when I was watching one of the Latest Desteni Video Uploads.
As I watched the video, I was looking at the point of how I keep having this point of desire/projection coming up towards the Desteni Farm.
So in looking at why this projection keeps coming up and what is it about myself that I am not yet living as myself that “The Desteni Farm” represent, which is the source for why this keeps coming up.
So the point that I am projecting onto the Desteni Farm which I am not living as myself but only desiring to live is the

Discipline
Self Direction
Perfection.

Though seeing the point of Discipline as being the key element here. As in terms of how I see discipline, it implies Self Direction and Perfection.

So this is the point – Discipline. Which I am not yet living and so rather than actually live and apply myself
go into a point of projection, when in fact what I am desiring is not the desteni farm per se but rather Self Discipline, where in I direct myself in Self Discipline everyday, breathing, remaining here and directing myself within Self Discipline as to accumulate and create myself into a being which I ‘desire’ to be. Meaning, when I was on the Farm, I was started to become more effective within my reality, within communication, within practical labour, within information processing, within many aspects of my life. It was like I was actually building myself. And that his occur through constant and consistent application. There is no secret or trick, it was simple constant and consistent application of self within a point of Self Discipline.

So this is the point that I am not yet living in my world, but what I am only desiring to live.
So cool to see this point.

Process Update – Managing My World. (3 Stories)

I am definitely within an application of “avoidance” at the moment, and allowing my mind to direct me. This morning I slept in until 7am when I planned to get up at 6am, though within me last night I can see that I “was not up for it” and believing 6am was to early as I was quite exhausted last night. And so I ‘intended’ to get up but overslept my alarm. I experienced guilt immediately upon waking as I started doing a 21 days 6 hours sleep process.

So when waking I went into a point of guilt and noticed also that I was “less directive” in my day, as I was in a way, allowing me to remain ‘stuck’ in this energy of guilt and slowness. Like a point of “I have failed”
When if I practically look at the situation, I mean it was 7am instead of 6am, practically speaking that will have not “great affect” on my day, and it is more practical to let go of the point and start directing myself in that which I require to do today.

I saw that I allowed the point of guilt in a way as an accepted experience of self when I “fail at something” or “fall on a point” – Though the energetic experience I was allowing was not related practically to my reality but more on past experiences of guilt as what I noticed is that my day is Still Here in front of me, and so pointless to allow me to exist in this point of guilt, like making a big point of nothing really.

Its interesting I see that I within this point have allowed this very initial starting point of the waking up in the morning determine the rest of my day, instead of me being the starting point of me in every moment here, where in any given moment, I can correct self, instead of locking myself into a cycle where I have to wait for the next opportunity.

I remember on the farm I was faced a few times with the point of experiencing a point of depression, and that I could allow myself to exist within this point of depression, and regret, or I could Stop, and get up off my ass and apply myself within my world.

This is the point that I saw this morning, where I realized that I do not have to exist within this point of guilt or depression which was “triggered by sleeping in” Fuck that, I can Stop, and correct myself and start applying myself in my day.

Last night I met with an x-girlfriend of mine who I had been in a relationship with for 8 years and who I broke up with around the time I started with desteni.

So was interesting to sit and chat last night as I had not spoken with her for couple years now.

I noticed that I within the discussion I experience quite a bit of paint in my upper shoulders, back and neck as we communicated, so see a point of straining myself and clenching myself within during our communication last night where I was accessing points of mind within our interaction and within communicating. So interesting to see this tension and pain come up immediately within starting to communicate with this being.

Its like a point of “really wanting to get a message though” within which I tense up my entire back and shoulders. And even a point of not trusting my expression, communication, words to communicate effectively.

Like wanting her to agree with me and see and understand my words and affirm what it is I am speaking about.

Though overall the conversation/discussion was quite cool.

Another point that occurred yesterday was that the point of doing “furniture assembly and delivery” for the furniture shop I am currently working with opened up.

This is quite a cool point and can see there is some excitement within me towards this though , I am also experiencing a “straining” within this excitement I experience, like “what if things don’t work out” so it is like two adverse points manifesting a strain within me.

So basically yesterday within discussion of possibly expanding my duties at the furniture shop, I inquired if “they have a delivery service” because I had noticed that there are usually a few items in the back waiting to be picked up by customers and most often these items are smallish – and so wondered if “there was a market for this” in where why not I “Offer the service of doing the delivery” as I at the moment have a van and so can fit in some smaller items for delivery.

So I discussed the point some with the owner and she said she would pass along my number to clients, and also recommend me to clients who require small furniture delivery.

So this is quite exciting because I see here another opportunity of taking this point on as a business, of which I can do furniture delivery and assembly. So I have done some research today on the point and this seems very realistic so am going to take this point on, as I also see that this will not simply “end after winter” like the “Snow Removal Service” but can actually walk this point and develop this point for a longer period of time.

So now I am at the stage where, I see this point and am exceeded, yet must breathe as reality only move so fast and thus must take this point on “practically” and “common sensically” and like the “Snow Removal Business” There are points of uncertainty with regards to money, and how/if I will manage the point of getting this going.

I also got a call yesterday which I have not yet returned about, would ya know it, doing “furniture assembly” lol – I actually had found a job application online doing this and inquired about the point which funny enough, opened up inside of me the point of inquiring with my current company about offering my services through them. Lol,

So this is quite funny as this is similar to what happened with the snow removal service where I initially “began the point” by browsing through jobs, and going for a job interview, and then within looking at the whole point deciding to simply “do the point for myself” instead of “working for others” doing something I can actually do on my own.

So I am sure I will update later to indicate/show, what’s working, and what not, and the type of specificity and application required to ensuring that these “businesses or service offers” are practically functional. Though for now will keep it simply and keep it physical.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here.
This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it”
So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there.
Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail.
I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed.
I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone.
So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there”
I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation.
Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept.

The Dreams as follows.

There were three scenarios.
Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt.

In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving.

So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment.

The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching.

And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there”

Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them.

Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing”

So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked.

So it was quite a dream / experience.

I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here.

Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today

One to a Dog Walking Company
And
One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer.

In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up.

Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point.

Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me.

Otherwise, I am still here.
In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself.
And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking.

So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them.

Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making.

I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead!

Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through.

This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this.

Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art.

Its like, what is going on with me?

In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things.

I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.

 

I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone.

Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself.

Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy.

Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable.

I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me!

That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me.

Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me.

Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did.

But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger.

I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit.

From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him.

Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting…waiting to see…almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry…then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in”

So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father.

So a point here to explore and forgive.

And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.

Daily Writing and Looking at a Fear Point – Oct 15/10

Got up this morning, at 7:30 I experienced myself as more stable than the day before. So I am slowing down and getting back to simplicity. At the moment just focusing on self here and stopping thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, urges, positive, negative, and just using self here as breath as the reference point. I wrote some this morning about this point of stabilizing myself. I realized that I was quite lost over this last week, and it was an eye opener to see how simple it is to end up going off into the mind, and just getting trapped up there. So I am stabilizing  myself again, getting back to simplicity and getting back to breath. Just me as the absolute simplicity as the reference point. I drove into town today and decided to buy some more display stuff for my art sale coming up in a few weeks. I have enjoyed creating “little products” out of the work, and packaging it up nice and presenting it. Its cool. So I will see what kind of response I get this time at the sale, I never sold anything last time, so see if the “new packaging” as an influence on the people. I made a drawing today…finally. I have not done much drawing at all since getting back into Calgary. I started with a few previously but then just kind of let the point fade away again. So it was nice to sit down and do some drawing. I experienced myself as calm. I will find out tomorrow if I get the job on the horse ranch. That will be nice to have that point sorted, and then I can start arranging for either doing that or getting on and finding another job. Either way it should not make a difference. I have been looking at this point today, of how one place value in certain things, in what one does, and who one is with, instead of living Value as themselves, as who they are as the starting point and source point of their world. I see still that I have placed value in working with animals, and also with being out on a ranch, where it will be quieter. The obvious deception that I noticed is that believing that “this will solve all my problems. What do I mean by this? Well, in my current world, things aren’t just flowing along, all fine and dandy, I am in fact spending much time alone, and still have not really got the art point moving as a point which I am assisting and supporting myself with yet, and I am still finding that there are inconsistencies within my application, as well as energetic points which I have found myself to be struggling with, and also the point of just remaining here, effective within my application of writing, internet work, drawing, reading, and points like this that I have at the moment the opportunity to take on. I saw the point today of how I allowed myself to believe that by moving onto the horse ranch that “things would be different” in a way where I would be able to “get things done” so to speak. I realized that in fact the real point is here, not there, the real point is not in moving to some other location. I inevitably will simply create the same shit, and the same patterns and the same points to deal with. So in this I see that the Solution, the corrective application is actually Here in my current world, where I take these points that look like they simply don’t want to move, and I “apply myself within them” I mean, why wait to direct certain points in my world. Take the art point for instance. It really ‘seems’ like this point is just not wanting to work here and that I have met with some resistance so to speak with regards to this point. Its like there is an energetic block with this point and with others, and so I simply see that this is the perfect opportunity to actually Stand-Up within these points, and give them direction, and push through the resistances and energetic blockages. The will not just go away on there own, I will actually have to direct the points myself. So I noticed that point of where I was existing within a belief that, if I were to move, that I would then, be able to be effective within my world, instead of pushing and directing me here in specificity and self will, and actually get this world, my current world I am in to function effectively, and direct the necessary points so that the world I am in now works. And not try and hide from it and believe and perceive that my fully optimal functional effective world of when I am really standing and effective in my process is out there somewhere. Its not. If I want an effective world, I have to make this world effective, my current immediate world and it will always be this way. Here is the Key, the power so to speak, this is the point that I have been exploring today. The point of HERE the point of Breath, as being “where its at” this moment right now as I write here, is the moment where my power is. So other than that I had a pretty quite day. Phew, Was nice to just stop and see myself again. I see the point also of accepting myself as silence. Its like I am just so used to “having something going on inside of me, that when there is ‘nothing’ so to speak, I believe that there should be something, instead of allowing myself to embrace this point of ‘nothing going on inside me. Like at the moment, there is not allot here to write about, so I will stop here.

Ok so this point just came up inside. It rose up from within my stomach area, it came up as an energy, and electrical current charge where I almost wanted to hold my breath. This point was fear. Fear about my job. Fear about the commitment that I would be making. The fear is related to staying on that ranch for two years or even longer. Now I am experiencing like a weakness inside of me. So this fear came up in considering this point. Its related to “how constructive will this be” and its also related to the point of committing myself to something for another. I see the point here of this fear being related to compromise, where I would end up staying for along time out of ‘obligation’ so within this point/memory, It is the point of taking something on, and then even after seeing that it is not working, continuing to remain within the point and not enjoying myself. So its a fear of not enjoying myself and feeling trapped in a way. So what is the core source point of this, Do I have a memory I can reference with regards to a similar point where this occurred in my life. I am seeing this point related to the experience of myself “on a small scale” where I have countless times in my life, committed to say, going out to a party with friends, or going to hang out, only to realize that I really don’t want to be there, and in a way just going along with it and wasting hours of my time, and existing in a kind of guilt because I was not directing myself. I used to have this experience extensively when I used to smoke pot. I used to really enjoy getting high. But I always made sure that I had everything in place first from the perspective of art. I never mixed marijuana and making art, and so if I got high at school, or like my friends were like c’mon come get high, and I would ‘cave’ and be like ok fine, then that entire day would be a write off and I would experience quite a bit of regret because now I had to wait until I was sober again to paint,  so experienced much regret within myself. So with this point of going to the farm I am experiencing the same point, that I cm compromising myself for the horses, meaning the horses, represent that “high” point and that I would then in getting the job, be actually stepping into a time-loop where I would experience a point of regret the whole time that I am not out in the Matrix, where I am now, working a different job, where I feel, like I am actually standing right in the system. I experienced this point some on the farm, and especially in considering the point of staying longer on the farm. I saw the point of regret where I would actually be compromising myself, because I was/would not be standing here in the system. So with the job here, that point of fear I experienced come up inside of me is this same point. I fear of regretting the decision and then having to live in regret. Its like doing something you shouldn’t be doing, then afterwards feeling regret that you did it. There is the point with this ranch that I will enjoy the point of living on the farm, and in a way, it will be a little different than working and living in the city, and actually be more like living on the desteni farm in some way, and it is within this point that I feel like I am ‘hiding’ from responsibility. Also I see the point of that within committing to a point like this, one is taking a very definitive direction, meaning that, this is going to close off some doors that would have otherwise might have been open, so there is a point coming up also here of “what am I missing out on” a fear of missing out. A here again the fear of compromising myself by closing off certain specific doors that otherwise would have been there for the walking through. Fascinating that this point which is now nearly a page of writing and actually contains quite a bit, came up in a refraction of a moment, as an energetic point that emerged as an electrical current charge within me in a split second. It lasted less than one second, yet here it is now opened up and it is quite big I see, it is like the splitting of the atom and seeing the universe inside. So cool to open this point up here so I can direct this energy point of fear that I am still allowing within and as me. The main aspect of this fear I see is it is actually a fear of missing out on certain things. The fear pertaining to education, and or the point of Art. Where in if I go out onto this farm, I basically saying that, I am giving up art from the perspective that I originally discussed the point with Bernard before I left the farm. And I am also saying that I will not be doing education in the near future as a priority point but rather will be focusing on this point with the Working on the Horse ranch first. In writing this out, both of these points kind of make me nervous. The education point I see that I have this linked to ‘process success’ and the point of Art I see I have this linked to ‘breakthrough’ and ‘Self Enjoyment’ So within going to work on this horse ranch I see/feel as though I am compromising on this point of enjoyment. And taking art to a level of application where I had never been before. So the point of fear coming up is linked to these two points. I also see the point here of “letting myself down”.

Will have to Do some Forgiveness on this Point.

Finding a Job that is Best for ALL – Writing Myself to Freedom – 2010/10/13

So looking at my experience today.

Words to Describe/Indicate Experience of myself/my world

Eventful

Intense

Allot happening

Anxiety

Fun

No foundation

Packed

Perplexed

This was quite interesting today. I had just spent the last month here in Calgary, basically working on desteni stuff and kind of just getting myself re-oriented with how to “live in this world” and taking care of paperwork etc. In the meantime, was considering eventual points like getting a job, or education, and making money, and also getting to know myself within this process from the perspective of this being really the first time I have or am placed directly in the system. So here I was also investigating myself within this, and get to know what it means to stand in the system from my current vantage point. This last week I was quite busy looking for a job, and have been busy also since being here in Calgary with exploring the point of applying myself in such things as art, and considering this within the greater context of How I am going to and am currently placed within this world, and looking at how this support what is best for all. I am referring to the last week specifically because is was kind of a ‘drag’ so to speak. I experienced much resistance and was going more into points of distraction. Also the point of “what am I going to do with myself” was starting to become more and more pressurized to speak, and I was noticing that within myself there was more fears, concerns, worries, doubts, and an overall, anxiousness of what all was going to happen. Then there was about 3 days where everything just stopped. It was like no e-mails were coming in, and nothing was moving, like someone put a plug in the system or something, it was like very very quiet I guess you could say. This was my experience anyhow.  Then Last night, I started getting a flow of emails, it was quite an interesting observation actually where all of the sudden “things were now moving” I am not sure exactly what was going on here, but it was like, “the plug was pulled” and the system started moving again. Or like one cycle coming to a halt, and then all of the sudden another one beginning. So I’m wondering if anyone else had a similar experience, or this “movement” was only specific to me – it was quite an obvious observation so this is why I am noting it here. So in things now ‘moving’ again, or starting to come through I have found myself today quite engaged within requiring to move and direct certain points within my world.

The point about a new job opened up which I went for an interview today, which will go into in more detail

As well I am on my way in a few minutes to an interview about my art with a newspaper which came through last night as well

And another point is a potential sale of one of my art pieces that went through over the internet which will require me to actually drive 8 hours to my home town to collect the work.

So things here moving, after months of ‘nothing’ today quite busy, so it has been somewhat unexpected and am not yet seeing exactly how this all came to be in terms of the where and how I have created each one of these points in my reality.

So because things have been previously moving at a slower pace, I find today, I am looking at “ok, how do I ground myself” Breath! This is the immediate point which come up so will apply this. Simplicity.

Ok here I am going to go into specific detail about my experience in relation to “The Job Interview”.

So I applied for this job at a horse ranch. When I first noticed the add, I thought “ok this could be interesting” I mean within the process of looking for a Job I found that due to not having recognized certificates in much of the things, I had to search through many jobs in order to find something that would fit so to speak. So when I came across the description of this add it in a way echoed or outlined much of the points I was taking on with Desteni while at the farm, and so from this perspective I saw that the qualification point was a pretty good match. Although I had not deliberately “thought up” this job, but rather after consideration decided ok I will apply, I mean, I will investigate and see what it all entails. I had not interviews yet in place in my job search so at this point was simply looking at different options. Particularly placing each point within me from the perspective of how it support me within my process of doing what is best for all, what is the skill development, timeline, where will it support what I do with desteni, and things like this. So this had been an interesting process as well to look at and consider each job from this perspective and now here take the opportunity to apply the equality equation as I consider each job, and what the eventual outflow of If I were to take on a particular job would be. So I applied and soon after had a reply back for an interview which I set up for today. I was a bit nervous about the point, due to “not being absolutely certain that I made the right choice” where points like “what if this is not the right thing” were coming up, or “what if I based this decision in self interest” etc.  So as I drove out to the meeting this morning I experienced an offness inside of me. Like “this is not going to work” I could see that many of these points were based on perceptions I had formed within my own mind of “what was going on there” and not actually based on actually real participation with the people there and/or seeing what exactly it entails. I applied self forgiveness on this point as I drove and simply utilized the breath as a point to keep me here instead of going into the experience of anxiety in my stomach, or up into my mind, thinking about all the things, it could be, or might lead to, or may not be. It was interesting because even when I arrived I experienced a doubt inside of me like “this is not going to work” One of my main concerns was that the people would be “totally mind fucked” or Hard Core Christians or something like this and that I would be like a virus in a way, and just cause a bunch of friction. So I simply had to walk through the nervousness that I was feeling and just go to the interview and basically not trust what I was experiencing towards the whole situation at this point because I had not actually really investigated what it all entailed and much of what i experienced was based on only 1 or 2 email exchanges and a fuck load of picture, ideas and concepts I had coming up in my mind. So I arrived there and was waiting for the person that was going to interview me to come by and give me a tour. It was quite cool to see the horses in the field as I drove in to park. Meanwhile points coming up like “this is crazy” “this is not going to work” basically because this job actually entail me to leave the city and actually live out on the farm so that I was “on-call” in a way. I mean this point in itself is actually pretty cool. I remember when I first came back into the city I was considering finding a place that was not directly in the city but ended up here where I am now living in the suburbs of the city of Calgary. From a certain perspective I see a point within me where I have accepted that “I am supposed to be in the city” and that if I go out to this Farm that “I am hiding” this was another point within the overall experience I was having of anxiety, where I was here in also believing that if I am not living in the “heart of it all”, like right in the city, that I am not really taking on the system so to speak and was actually trying to hide from myself. So will have to look at this point in common sense to see what the fuck is actually going on here in this point – where it is valid and where not. I can see the point of polarity here where I have defined the point within “either one or the other” like attempting to find the answer in the extremes instead of placing myself as the point that really matters. As I waited for the interview to begin, these two little dogs came towards me, I was in a way expecting them to start barking at me, but to my surprise they were very welcoming . I was still experiencing here that point of “feeling of place” because I was “not a cowboy” and had defined and created an idea/perception of who these people are or might be, and within this how they would view me based on my appearance. I see here the point of actually fearing a reaction where I had created in my mind the point where they would in a way “laugh at me” or “think less of me” or “diminish me”. When I finally met the girl that was doing the interview, I think we both in that moment were both facing our own preconceived image we had created in our mind about who each other is, and were busy now, trying to “get a gage” on who each other really is. In considering a job like this, I sure both of us are looking at “can I actually work with this person” Let me get into the job here more specifically about what it entailed which I learned through the Interview. The point was that I would initially start “part-time” where I would be getting trained to handle the responsibilities of the stable. Actually what I learned they were looking for is someone to eventually take over after 5 or 6 months when the initial manager there would be leaving where then I would take over as being the primary point there to care and look after ‘allot’ of horses, like she said there was something like 60 horses there at the moment, so shit, allot of horses. Where I would be responsible for making sure there basics were taken care of food, water, health etc…as well as tending to the basic maintenance of the farm. So I have before me quite a decision to make. From my perspective I am now seeing this point as a minimum of 2 years as a point which I would take on in my process. Could even go as long as 4 years. So this is quite a point here before me to now require to decide if this will support me in my process of doing what is best for all. What they do on the farm is breed and raise hunter/jumper horses, as well as board horses for others, so mentioned that there were horses being sold for like 100,000 dollars….that doesn’t sound right…anyways very very expensive.  Obviously here though that is irrelevant from the perspective of the animals are simply equal as life, and thus this be the foundation of how I go about caring for them. So basically this would be quite a responsibility I would be taking on. And will be an ‘investment’ of sorts “if I get the job” So there is a point of fear here in relation to making a decision like this, because this will play pretty influential role in the accumulation of myself so to speak. So in placing this within the equality equation I see that I would actually here have the opportunity to take on quite a responsibility which actually would be pretty cool. It will be allot of work, similar to how the functioning of things were on the Desteni Farm, where there was really no where to hide so to speak, but that one was always Here and ready to assist where ever required and it was no longer about, “wanting your space” and “wanting your time” so from this perspective the point is similar. The Location is about 20min from the city where I am not, so relatively  close but at the same time the Ranch is 200 acres. So after talking to the people there, they are simply looking for someone with common sense who is actually able to see that “ok” the horses require more food or water for example, apparently the person they have working th
ere now is not doing this very well. So it was cool to actually chat with the people there, and actually after/within chatting I began to experience myself more comfortable, and was like seeing the point inside of myself that I could actually do this, I could actually work there. I still experience points of resistance with regards to it being a somewhat new place and people, like fear that there is “some point that I have not considered” that will only reveal once I commit kind of thing. Fuck – Note to self: “look at the point of where I hide things from myself, and keep points hidden so that one moment they jump out when its too late, instead of revealing all the points to myself and considering everything from the get go, like a deliberate deception instead of actually acknowledging all points” I will find out Saturday. They have more interviews to conduct so will see how things unfold, either way this experience so far has opened up some interesting points with regards to considering points within me world which are of “actual value” and placing myself within a point where I will develop real points which will support what is best for all in time to come. Still here I am seeing the point of apprehension in relation to this investment of myself into this point where in the end It actually is not a point that is recognized by the system, so from this perspective will am still not taking on the system in this way. This is one of the points which create unsettledness so to speak, like, am I willing to do this and in the end not have any certificate from the system. I mean at this stage as it is I would not be able to consider doing education until for a least a year, but still this point of “system recognition” come into consideration within this point.