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Breath Walking – Desteni Process Blog.

Today I was up early to shovel snow. And again tomorrow as well. The forecast is calling for a few days of snow coming up so I will be breathing and simply walking one day at a time.
I have noticed a bit of a tendency lately to slightly go into a form of ‘pushing’ from the perspective of ‘pushing within and urgency’ So this is a Red Light as the point as I see it is to Stop. And no more accept and allowing that ‘urgency’ to direct me, to come in through the back door and kind of massage its way ‘into me’ without me noticing.
I worked on some graphic design stuff today, as well as mind construct stuff and other computer work. Though as I have been writing about lately is the point of Self-Direction from the perspective of slowing myself down to a Stop, so that I actually stop, and get out of my mind. I realize that there is no point in attempting to do what’s best from the perspective of doing this from the mind. I must stop and get here into the physical. And I am interested to see how this goes as well, to actually Stop, and see what this is like.
So I see the point of keeping it simple coming up here and not overcomplicating things, but rather just keep it simple and breath and be here. I noticed that I was carrying a belief around that “it is not possible to be Here in the system” meaning that because of how everything is set up in terms of the world system that it is not actually possible to be Here. I have realized that this is just a belief so now am in the process of living the realization I had that “wait a minute – I don’t have to live in anxiety all the time actually” So have really been pushing me to take my time with points past couple weeks. Like a turtle! lol.
Winter will be over soon hear in Canada and so I have one more month of doing snow removal and then that job will be over. And I must say I am actually quite grateful how this point has worked out so far. It actually supported me through the winter when I was not successful at finding a stable a job so this was a very cool temporary solution. Though it will be done soon.
Because of this I have been busy lately working on my Logo for the graphic design service. I have gone through many revisions to get to a point where I am satisfied with the “lay-out” and today a point came through which I was satisfied with and so will be able to move from this point now and also co-incidentally my paypal funds went through so will be purchasing the web-host asap and getting the graphic design point set up on wordpress.
Will be nice now to move into this stage and get some physical points placed to see how it will move. I really have no idea of the system will start generating money within the month, or if it will take three months or 6 months. I am still learning when it comes to doing stuff like this so I will find out as I go in a way. I mean I can do some preliminary assessments but then I am required to test the point in actual real 3d to see what is effective and what is not working etc… So what is here now is to simply get the basics laid out on the website and start by getting an “introductory add” together to get initial clients.
So if the point moves effectively within the next month and I see I will generate sufficient income for me to support myself then cool – when my snow job is finished on the 21st then I will be able to make the transition into this next business. Though if it will require more refining and time before it starts generating income then I will start around mid march to start looking for a summer job.
I have never tested the “graphic design” market before. It ‘seems’ like there many people that require this service though as I mentioned, I must test what I see, and what “seems like” the case.
So that is some points that I am busy with at the moment. And Breathing. Remembering to Breath when the surges of anxiety come up as a form of fear of not having enough money and running out of money and what if things don’t work out, and so when this occur, I breathe, and do not participate because there is no point to participating. I see these surges as my program, as my pre-design, as my mind, as that which is there to keep me locked into “myself as the mind” So I see that effective support Here is to Breath and remain Here, and move the physical. Movement of the physical is Key, and that this movement takes place once one is consistent and constant within their application, otherwise movement is slow or does not take place at all, so here this is where I use breath as a support within self direction and self movement and I move myself.
And I experiment and explore this application of breath as support to get myself here and stabilize myself Here within consistent application and movement of self here in the physical.

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Filed under Artist, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Daily Writing and Looking at a Fear Point – Oct 15/10

Got up this morning, at 7:30 I experienced myself as more stable than the day before. So I am slowing down and getting back to simplicity. At the moment just focusing on self here and stopping thoughts, feelings, emotions, energies, urges, positive, negative, and just using self here as breath as the reference point. I wrote some this morning about this point of stabilizing myself. I realized that I was quite lost over this last week, and it was an eye opener to see how simple it is to end up going off into the mind, and just getting trapped up there. So I am stabilizing  myself again, getting back to simplicity and getting back to breath. Just me as the absolute simplicity as the reference point. I drove into town today and decided to buy some more display stuff for my art sale coming up in a few weeks. I have enjoyed creating “little products” out of the work, and packaging it up nice and presenting it. Its cool. So I will see what kind of response I get this time at the sale, I never sold anything last time, so see if the “new packaging” as an influence on the people. I made a drawing today…finally. I have not done much drawing at all since getting back into Calgary. I started with a few previously but then just kind of let the point fade away again. So it was nice to sit down and do some drawing. I experienced myself as calm. I will find out tomorrow if I get the job on the horse ranch. That will be nice to have that point sorted, and then I can start arranging for either doing that or getting on and finding another job. Either way it should not make a difference. I have been looking at this point today, of how one place value in certain things, in what one does, and who one is with, instead of living Value as themselves, as who they are as the starting point and source point of their world. I see still that I have placed value in working with animals, and also with being out on a ranch, where it will be quieter. The obvious deception that I noticed is that believing that “this will solve all my problems. What do I mean by this? Well, in my current world, things aren’t just flowing along, all fine and dandy, I am in fact spending much time alone, and still have not really got the art point moving as a point which I am assisting and supporting myself with yet, and I am still finding that there are inconsistencies within my application, as well as energetic points which I have found myself to be struggling with, and also the point of just remaining here, effective within my application of writing, internet work, drawing, reading, and points like this that I have at the moment the opportunity to take on. I saw the point today of how I allowed myself to believe that by moving onto the horse ranch that “things would be different” in a way where I would be able to “get things done” so to speak. I realized that in fact the real point is here, not there, the real point is not in moving to some other location. I inevitably will simply create the same shit, and the same patterns and the same points to deal with. So in this I see that the Solution, the corrective application is actually Here in my current world, where I take these points that look like they simply don’t want to move, and I “apply myself within them” I mean, why wait to direct certain points in my world. Take the art point for instance. It really ‘seems’ like this point is just not wanting to work here and that I have met with some resistance so to speak with regards to this point. Its like there is an energetic block with this point and with others, and so I simply see that this is the perfect opportunity to actually Stand-Up within these points, and give them direction, and push through the resistances and energetic blockages. The will not just go away on there own, I will actually have to direct the points myself. So I noticed that point of where I was existing within a belief that, if I were to move, that I would then, be able to be effective within my world, instead of pushing and directing me here in specificity and self will, and actually get this world, my current world I am in to function effectively, and direct the necessary points so that the world I am in now works. And not try and hide from it and believe and perceive that my fully optimal functional effective world of when I am really standing and effective in my process is out there somewhere. Its not. If I want an effective world, I have to make this world effective, my current immediate world and it will always be this way. Here is the Key, the power so to speak, this is the point that I have been exploring today. The point of HERE the point of Breath, as being “where its at” this moment right now as I write here, is the moment where my power is. So other than that I had a pretty quite day. Phew, Was nice to just stop and see myself again. I see the point also of accepting myself as silence. Its like I am just so used to “having something going on inside of me, that when there is ‘nothing’ so to speak, I believe that there should be something, instead of allowing myself to embrace this point of ‘nothing going on inside me. Like at the moment, there is not allot here to write about, so I will stop here.

Ok so this point just came up inside. It rose up from within my stomach area, it came up as an energy, and electrical current charge where I almost wanted to hold my breath. This point was fear. Fear about my job. Fear about the commitment that I would be making. The fear is related to staying on that ranch for two years or even longer. Now I am experiencing like a weakness inside of me. So this fear came up in considering this point. Its related to “how constructive will this be” and its also related to the point of committing myself to something for another. I see the point here of this fear being related to compromise, where I would end up staying for along time out of ‘obligation’ so within this point/memory, It is the point of taking something on, and then even after seeing that it is not working, continuing to remain within the point and not enjoying myself. So its a fear of not enjoying myself and feeling trapped in a way. So what is the core source point of this, Do I have a memory I can reference with regards to a similar point where this occurred in my life. I am seeing this point related to the experience of myself “on a small scale” where I have countless times in my life, committed to say, going out to a party with friends, or going to hang out, only to realize that I really don’t want to be there, and in a way just going along with it and wasting hours of my time, and existing in a kind of guilt because I was not directing myself. I used to have this experience extensively when I used to smoke pot. I used to really enjoy getting high. But I always made sure that I had everything in place first from the perspective of art. I never mixed marijuana and making art, and so if I got high at school, or like my friends were like c’mon come get high, and I would ‘cave’ and be like ok fine, then that entire day would be a write off and I would experience quite a bit of regret because now I had to wait until I was sober again to paint,  so experienced much regret within myself. So with this point of going to the farm I am experiencing the same point, that I cm compromising myself for the horses, meaning the horses, represent that “high” point and that I would then in getting the job, be actually stepping into a time-loop where I would experience a point of regret the whole time that I am not out in the Matrix, where I am now, working a different job, where I feel, like I am actually standing right in the system. I experienced this point some on the farm, and especially in considering the point of staying longer on the farm. I saw the point of regret where I would actually be compromising myself, because I was/would not be standing here in the system. So with the job here, that point of fear I experienced come up inside of me is this same point. I fear of regretting the decision and then having to live in regret. Its like doing something you shouldn’t be doing, then afterwards feeling regret that you did it. There is the point with this ranch that I will enjoy the point of living on the farm, and in a way, it will be a little different than working and living in the city, and actually be more like living on the desteni farm in some way, and it is within this point that I feel like I am ‘hiding’ from responsibility. Also I see the point of that within committing to a point like this, one is taking a very definitive direction, meaning that, this is going to close off some doors that would have otherwise might have been open, so there is a point coming up also here of “what am I missing out on” a fear of missing out. A here again the fear of compromising myself by closing off certain specific doors that otherwise would have been there for the walking through. Fascinating that this point which is now nearly a page of writing and actually contains quite a bit, came up in a refraction of a moment, as an energetic point that emerged as an electrical current charge within me in a split second. It lasted less than one second, yet here it is now opened up and it is quite big I see, it is like the splitting of the atom and seeing the universe inside. So cool to open this point up here so I can direct this energy point of fear that I am still allowing within and as me. The main aspect of this fear I see is it is actually a fear of missing out on certain things. The fear pertaining to education, and or the point of Art. Where in if I go out onto this farm, I basically saying that, I am giving up art from the perspective that I originally discussed the point with Bernard before I left the farm. And I am also saying that I will not be doing education in the near future as a priority point but rather will be focusing on this point with the Working on the Horse ranch first. In writing this out, both of these points kind of make me nervous. The education point I see that I have this linked to ‘process success’ and the point of Art I see I have this linked to ‘breakthrough’ and ‘Self Enjoyment’ So within going to work on this horse ranch I see/feel as though I am compromising on this point of enjoyment. And taking art to a level of application where I had never been before. So the point of fear coming up is linked to these two points. I also see the point here of “letting myself down”.

Will have to Do some Forgiveness on this Point.


Filed under desteni equallife network, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing