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2012: Convincing Myself That I Have Changed.

I started to notice/become aware of this point about a year ago, where it was something that would come up more frequently where I started to see this point within myself where I would build up or create an idea of myself/ of who I am, only to realize that this idea was not at all who I really was and thus, was just in fact an idea created and constructed within my own mind.

This point has “matured” during the past year where I began to see more and more how I would constantly exist within only an idea of myself (energy)and also particularly an idea of myself as someone who is walking process and in the process of change.

When in fact there was very little change actually taking place.

From a certain perspective I see this point as being the current predicament we as humanity find ourselves in. We have superimposed an “idea” of who we are and what this world is onto the actual truth of ourselves and this world, which we are not actually able to see, due to us only seeing our projected idea of ourselves and this reality.

So for me it has been a process to begin to differentiate between this Mind Projected Self and The Actual Self and to thus stop participating with the Mind Projected Self so that I actually start living Here and working with that which is actually real.

This is how I understand it. And obviously all the context put forward by Desteni has assisted and supported me in this process to begin to establish for myself what is actually going on in this reality and how I can approach investigating and working with myself so that it has some actual value. So that it (my life/time) is not just wasted and end up being pointless.

So over the last 4 years I have made many many many many changes – But have come to realize and see that mostly all of these “changes” took place only within my own mind. I had believed and perceived myself to be in a process of change but I was really in a process of just first seeing the difference between what actual change is vs perceptual pie in the sky change.

Or coming to see what it means to “not change”

I simply did not know any better – I had really spent so much time existing as my mind that the mind was the only reference I had in terms of how I had come to assess and make sense of myself and my reality – Thus the mind was where I initially looked to see/assess my process of change.

One way to describe it is as the following;

“One ‘actual’ change, no matter how small, is worth more than a million perceptual changes no matter how big.”

So it took some time for me to actually start to see the actual me. To see that I was not changing for real, but only getting trapped in the mind, within the illusion that I was on the right track

Though I guess form a certain perspective I did actually see this “actual me” but I could not put my finger on it. I just felt uncomfortable about the process I was busy with. Because I could see that I was not actually changing, but it was like I was denying that I could actually see the real me and so just attempted to convince myself otherwise, convince myself that I was changing – when in fact there was very little actual SELF Movement and Lots of Mind Movement, Mind Movement having no actual bearing on the truth of myself, on the real self.

You can change in the mind a million times and nothing will happen – ‘YOU’ are actually not changing. It is the mind that is busy at work constructing these ideas of Self in this process of change But Self as the physical is Actual Substantial Matter and Form, and to actually transform and work with actual substantial matter is different than simply changing within your mind, or creating / reconstructing the Idea you have of yourself.

So this is basically where I am at the moment – Starting to see the actual me down there beneath the layers and layers and layers of perception about who I am that I require to first get through to start to see and work with the actual self.

So in a way I have up to this point just been busy getting through these layers and learning how not to get caught up, trapped, seduced, side tracked by these imaginary perceptions of self so that I can more effectively work with “the real stuff” so to speak.

So this has actually been quite a cool point to have start coming through because I realize that it does not matter how much I change myself within my mind, or convince myself that I am changing, it is irrelevant. What I must look at or pay attention to is Me as the actual real physical substantial self. And to work with myself at that level, and in a way I have really just begun this or am still even in the process of beginning this. I say this because I still daily suddenly realize – “Fuck I have been in my mind that entire time”

I realize that I am a work in progress, that I likely will be working with this “difference” between the Real Self vs the Imaginary Self for some time to come.

So I just wanted to mention this point because I have noticed that lately this point has emerged as something that is more tangible and that I am able to “explain” and place into words.

Lol – Though I do see how one of the primary ways I have/had ended up trapping myself in the imaginary self is through/within my writing! Where I will go and write something, to discover how I ended up making the writing more about forming an idea or perception in the mind instead of actually assisting and supporting and getting down to and sticking with that actual real substantial Me Here in the Moment within my expression. So also here I am working with this dimension of writing. To  develop more stability in this application so as not to get side tracked by the energy / perceptions of the mind so that when I write I am not just busy constructing some idea about something but that I am really Here with me and actually working with the actual real substantial self /  the physical. And in this supporting myself to become real.

I also find one is able to trap oneself in an imaginary idea of self when one is speaking as well as when one is thinking or participating in the mind – Meaning this can happen in writing, speaking or silently – So which is another reason why I wanted to mention this point today because of how “easy” it is…or at least how easy I have found it to get lost within myself in some perception of myself that I constructed either in writing or in the words I spoke or just within thinking/participating “silently” within my mind or any combination of these.

So I will continue supporting me within breathing, writing and self forgiveness to make sure I am walking with me during my days and not floating around somewhere in the mind.

For Further Expansion on the Point of the “Idea Self VS The Real Self” Please See Video Interview– http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B531BWrLN4Y&feature=player_embedded

http://www.desteni.org.

http://www.eqafe.com

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Filed under AndrewGableArtist, Artist, Realizations, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Writing as Self Support – My Fingers have a mind of their Own.

Ok, I am going to pick up on a point that I came across while writing last night which was the point of directing myself in relation to energy from the perspective of “energy” and “experience” of self, being the starting point of self movement.

For some context Here is a quote by Bernard Poolman:

“your real life on earth move by actual breath as time –from the first breath to the last breath – and breath determines the effectiveness of living on earth. The less you are aware of breathing, the more you will live in a system world where life is not honored and things like money will drive you. The more you live by breathing as timekeeper, the more you will notice the kazillions of nonhuman beings on earth.”

So with regards to the point I mentioned above, this quote by Bernard Poolman offers a context for how one “should” direct and move self – That being rather by/within breath instead of as/within the mind as energy.

Basically what I was looking at last night was that how there always seemed to be a kind of “anxiety” within myself that pushes me in this direction or that. Within this I found I was much less effective in what I was doing due to what I was doing being subject to this anxiety/energy/experience of myself that constantly push me and influence my moment to moment expression as living application.

This point actually showed itself this morning as well as I sat down in front of the computer to write. I was simply sitting down to write as a point of self support. To just direct myself to write as a way to support me to start being able to see myself and become more aware of myself where in writing is a tool to develop self awareness and also self stability. Self stability from the perspective of supporting myself to slow down within and as myself and not spend all my time existing in the mind or in some experience of myself that is influencing me where I end up feeling like I am just along for the ride with no directive principle at all, with no ability to be deliberate and specific and directive within my expression what ever I might be doing, because there is this kind of force pushing/forcing me along and in this I end up skipping over things and rushing things and not being as specific and deliberate as I could and thus within a greater context end up creating and manifesting my world from the starting point of skipping over things, rushing and not being specific – thus this has implications that flow out into the very creation of my life/world/ as my immediate surroundings as well as the world as a whole – lol…Ok getting back to the point.

Today as I sat down to write, I shot “out of the gates” like a race horse blasting towards the finish line. My fingers hardly keeping up. It wasn’t long before I lost track of what I was writing and everything became like one long drone or run on sentence where I experienced me as not really supporting myself in the writing anymore due to this point of feeling a bit “out of control” like my fingers and what I was writing had a mind of its own. So this is showing me that how I am more existing in mind in my world and that when I go to write, the mind attempt to assert itself as the governing principle of me – though what I have found is that the tool of writing supports in stabilization of self in by supporting the slowing down of self even though initially “out of the gates” or in other situations the mind attempt to position itself as the dominant directive principle, so yes, it will not be an automatic correction but like anything I see simply requires consistent application for effective support.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Bernard while I was in South Africa. This conversation was quite long, somewhere between 1 and 2 hours. During the discussion one of the points that was mentioned was how when I speak it’s like within myself my mind races way ahead and I end up trying to keep up with mind and in this my communication is not effective. I always enjoy seeing people who are very stable in their communication where they are “Here” within each breath as each word they speak and their mind is not just racing a mile a minute inside themselves going all different directions, but rather it is like they are stable and here and silent. In this their communication is much more effective and stable.

So in essence this morning I see the point was “my mind” racing a mile a minute, and instead of stopping and slowing myself down, I ended up initially getting caught up with trying to chase down my mind or keep up with mind as it just races all over the place.

For me that is one of the points in using writing as a tool to support me – The point being to assist and support myself to slow down and stabilize myself within me. So I am not constantly running around in my mind. And so in writing I can take the opportunity to slow myself and make sure I am not running/chasing after the mind but that I am here and specific and directive in the placement of my words.

So will see how this develops – it has been a point that I have been working with since I started process – which is cool in itself because before process I had never even herd a practical description of this experience that was happening inside myself to be able to support me to even know where to begin to correct the point and become more effective in my communication and writing – So yes, the point I work with is stopping the mind/energy and rather writing from the perspective of being here as Breath.

To reference again, this time a segment of the above quote by Bernard Poolman:

“The less you are aware of breathing, the more you will live in a system world where life is not honored and things like money will drive you.”

So when I started writing this morning I was not aware of my breathing and ended up being directed by the “system world” where I am “driven” by points other than Self.  Which is what I started this document off by writing about – This point I came across last night which was how I was seeing that I always seem to directed or influenced or moving myself in relation to some energy or experience of myself and rarely am I simply here directing myself within and as breath as a point of Self Direction – Self direction does not require energy or experience or some kind of anxiety to push self to move, but is rather Self moving, directing self as a Self Expression.

So I can just continue to support myself through writing and developing the point of slowing down and also identifying such moments when I end up “trapped” within my mind, within the system world and being directed by this where there is like this kind of energy pushing and influencing me like pushing me through something instead of me just walking through a point breath by breath with no urge or pressure experience within myself to quickly get to the finish line.

 

Links:

2012 – New 21 Day Breathing Challenge – Interview done on utilizing breath as practical self support

Desteni I Process – Self Development and Leadership Course

Desteni.org

 

Support Products and Merchandise available now at the EQAFE.COM

 

Freedom Blogs  – Read Blogs by many destonians who have dedicated themselves to practical self support through writing regularly on various differen

 

 

 

No 1. Beginners – Thoughts, Writings, and Self Forgiveness – Covering here the basic points that self will face as one’s Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious Mind in initially starting walking one’s process of facing the Mind as self

 

 

 

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My Experience of Me Today

When I woke up this morning I went upstairs to make a drink before getting into things. Plus I still had to decide what I was going to do exactly with my time before I went to work. I have been getting up earlier recently so that I have some time to do things before I go to work. This has been much more supportive than the pattern of sleeping right until its time to go, then get up and go directly to work. So now its like I have “2 days” in one. Because I had been so long sleeping in the mornings now to be getting up earlier its cool. I find I am much more relaxed also, and am able to just do things at a normal pace instead of feeling constricted in my spare time. I ended up working on my SRA assignment this morning before heading off to work.

I left for work and went through the drive-through at Tim Horton’s and got a Hot Chocolate. Perhaps tomorrow I should prepare my own drink at home. Recently on my way to work I have been applying self forgiveness in my car. I also “talk points out” meaning just speak out loud on certain points I am working on. And really just practicing and exploring self forgiveness as I drive to work.

When I arrived at work, everybody was just getting there. My boss called me over to carry some stuff but when I got to the truck there was only a small saw to be carried. I reacted within myself at being called over “for nothing” like a slight reaction came up within me in relation to this idea that my boss was only calling me over to do that because “I am a worker” therefore “I must work” and that this point was being considered over practical common sense of the moment in that there was no real practical reason to call me over in that moment. This point also came up of me being a slave, which has been a point that I have been looking at recently and also applying some self forgiveness on.

In this moment the reaction point was a point of anger in relation to me experiencing myself as being treated as a slave, one aspect of this being due to me not having money and thus not having any power in this world where I then become the subject/slave of those with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and blame my boss when I perceive that he is wanting me to work, and do things, because he is paying me and wants the most for his dollar, where within this he does not see me or consider me as his equal but as his worker, and also here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated by the fact that I am in my bosses position making all the money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry within myself and blame my boss for my situation of feeling like I will never get ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for “never getting ahead” from the perspective of believing that there is something wrong with me or that no matter what I do, I am simply doomed to my programming as the programming that was passed down through my family, specifically from my father, which will inevitably lead to me being poor or remaining poor with only so much money for the rest of my life.

I walked up into the worksite to check out what was done the last day I was not there. We got started on a fence, beginning where it was left off the day before. It was a slat fence and so we, one by one, put up these slats building each section of the fence. I worked with this one guy who I find awkward to work with. I find my physical movements become rushed and jerky and I end up dropping things or making allot more mistakes then when I am just relaxed and giving a point direction. With this guy I find I go into this state of anxiety or haste when ever I work on projects with him. I find he as well work this way, and thus always knocks stuff over or makes mistakes, and so it can be a challenge to work with this guy. Though has brought up allot of points within myself to look at/face so that is cool. Lots of fears of conflict and fear of anger and also this point of “being a slave” that I touched upon earlier as well. Oh yes and “blame” Where in I am seeing I am constantly wanting to go into blame towards him, but must correct myself to rather go into a point of Self Forgiveness than blame.

We also got another new guy today. I saw him from a distance coming into the yard and shaking hands with my boss. My first reaction to him was that “he was tall” lol. Normally one have a first impression of a being, but I did not have that, I definitely had a first “reaction” as I immediately reacted in a point of judgement/assessment as I observed him from a distance. He was younger, and he was tall. Younger is cool because I find when people are younger they are normally easier to get along with where when you have older people, they have more engrained patterns and thus react allot more, and are more “set” in their ways.

We had a break around 11:00am and my boss brought coffee’s and doughnuts, though I had a tea, because I am doing 21 days no coffee which has been quite cool support in terms of just having a point which break apart, or “throw a wrench into” my normal routine / daily pattern. Because now its all different where normally it would just be the same where in “ok now I go have coffee” and simply walk through the point of having coffee without a ruffle at all in my normal flow of things. And because I did this around 2 to 4 times a day, now I have 2 to 4 times a day where things are different, now I go and make some tea, and its just different. Getting the tea bag, and putting in some honey and deciding what tea to have, and then the experience of drinking the tea, so yes, the 21 days no coffee has been cool support so far.

So anyways on coffee break I spoke with the new guy to get to know him a bit. I noticed that he looked at the ground when he spoke with me. This was quite peculiar. I wondered if he had an older brother or father that would yell at him or something, because it seemed like when ever he would talk it was being done from the starting point of “shame” like just in speaking he is doing something wrong already.

Ok stopping here, I have some files to send to the printer before I go to bed, and so am going to do this now. I am preparing myself for doing snow removal this winter again so am getting some business cards printed. Perhaps I will discuss this in the next blog. And explore some aspects/points of taking on doing snow removal again to support myself through the winter to have sufficient money coming in.

Goodnight.

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My Experience Living and Working in the System

I have been back living “in the System” now for about a year since I left the Desteni Farm. So I am going to talk a little bit about my experience over the last year and basically living and working in the system and earning money.

My current job is Landscaping. This is where a crew of 5 of us design and build up yards for all the new houses of people (normally with allot of money) who have just purchased a house and now want a nice yard match. So often we are doing landscaping in some really rich neighbourhoods for people with allot of money.

I have had 5 jobs over the last year

I worked as a treeplanter, which was a job I did 4 years ago also. It is the hardest job I have ever done, and have found, so if you ever here of someone doing treeplanting, no that they have really toughed it out likely in some challenging situations.

I worked on a Horse Ranch – I got this job through looking through listings and I applied to the listing. I quite after 2 months because the people running the ranch were not nice and would “vent” their own frustration out on who ever was around (me) Luckily I live in a Canada which means I do have a bit of choice when it comes to jobs and do not have to simply stand there and take other peoples abuse. The other guy that worked on the farm was an illegal immigrant from mexico, He has less choice and I am sure takes allot of shit from those people because he cannot just leave as easily as I was able to.

I worked in a “high-end” furniture store where they sell expensive furniture to rich people. I put together the furniture and moved heavy things around and vacuumed the floors. I got paid over double minimum wage there and worked there for about 9 months about 4 or 5 days a month.

I did Snow Removal in the winter. I did this on my own, and put out an add on the internet, and then people called me and I took care of their snow removal for the winter – This got me through the winter.

Landscaping – I got this job by looking through listings online and applying by sending in my resume and cover letter. Then I went for an interview. This is the job I work at now. It will be over when the snow starts falling, so will have to find another job for the winter, so will see what comes up then.

My experience living and working in the system has been…the word “stressful” comes up. One aspect of this is because I am basically on my own, and if I do not come up with money, it will not come from somewhere else. Although I do have some family members which if things get really tough I can ask for a loan. When winter ended this year, my van broke down. This was basically right when I started my new landscaping job so I had not yet started working many hours so not enough income to buy a new car. I asked my dad for a loan which he agreed, and I bought a cheap car to get me around while working and am busy paying him back. Oh yes this is due to having “bad credit” due to overdue Student Loan payments and thus could not get purchase a car on credit.

So yes I have moved around a bit, in terms of jobs. The place where I live has been quite stable which is cool. I am grateful for this. I rent a room in a house and the people I live with are around my age and we get along fine.

One thing I have noticed.

Living in this world is ALL ABOUT MONEY.

Its all about getting money. And then with money you make your life “better” And this is “THE GOAL” The Purpose to Life – What I complete fuck-up.

In the System You can buy things and move around a with more ease if you have money. I have found this extensively. That Money is that which allows you to move and interact with the system. As soon as the money starts to run dry, it is very difficult to move, function and flow within the system, and you simply become an ineffective participant/member of society if you do not have money to allow you to move and from a certain perspective BREATHE within the system. That is what I have found. The more money I have, the more I am able to relax and breathe and enjoy myself. When there is no money everything just cramps up. Money is literally like Water, from the perspective of if you do not have water, your body just tense, and cramp up and dehydrate. It is the same with money. If you do not have it, you kind of tense up and contract.

So working my landscaping job has been interesting because you see these men and women; mostly men walking around in their nice suits and business clothes and making likely hundreds of thousands of dollars annually.  Even millions. And they are driving the nice cars and making their yard look nice and basically living there life. And thats it. There is no consideration or awareness of anything else but this.

“Thats what Life is”

Everyone in the system completely accepts the system and from a certain perspective is completely fine with it.

Everybody works for money. Nothing moves without money. We have really fucked this world up, where someone would rather stand around and do absolutely nothing as long as they are getting paid rather than do some activity which actually support them as a being.

When I was on the Desteni Farm, I directed myself to support what was busy going on. When I built a shelf or prepared food, it was to “support” others. I was not doing this to get money, And thus my consideration/ starting point when I looked to see if there was anything to do, was “How Can I Support The Environment in the Best Way. Is there anything that requires to be done to make our living Experience more effective, and supportive.  I mean holy fuck. Imagine how many times a day I took on this consideration and now think about this actually then start to shape and form who that human being becomes as this point is practiced over and over – Then you have The Current System where what people practice over and over again, is not looking at the world or their environment to see what will best support that environment but rather “How can I make Money” and Thus, there you have it. This one way how our current system is really fucking up human beings where our entire beingness become certered and focused on MONEY and How to Make Money. I mean I would not want to be stuck on a Island with one of those beings, but rather with a being who is always looking for what will best support ALL and to make the environment a practical living space.

This is why I support an Equal Money System. Because within an Equal Money System we will be able to bring the point of “what is best for all” into the foreground where human beings actually start to consider how to direct themselves in a way which support earth, and others and the actual practical living environment instead of only being able to look at the world through the filter of “how can I make money” which in a way blind a person from contributing anything of actual real value to this earth.

 

 

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