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Moving Through Self Doubt – Remaining Here and Sticking to the Physical

I experienced some doubt coming up today. This ‘doubt’ I experienced was in relation to the current project I am working on with regards to doing Logo Design. I have started with making my own Logo and have enjoyed the process of this and have been working on this now for quite some time, probably over 60 hours so far over a period of around a month. I had/have it at a stage which I am satisfied I can start placing, but then when I opened the file today and looked at it, I judged it and was not satisfied anymore and experienced a drop within myself because I was so close to having this ready to go and start to be able to walk the next stage of the preparation phase which is to place an add on my local job listings site advertising the service at a discount rate from the perspective of simply attracting some projects where I can “gain experience” or rather “fine tune my process” as this sounds ‘safer’ to the client, and so yes place it as a “special Limited time offer”. But today when I looked again at my Logo I was not entirely satisfied and even considered another “re-design” which is like much time and effort and so I experienced this point of Self Doubt coming up, like “this is never going to work”.
I experienced a point of failure as an energetic experience of failing in the centre of my solar plexus / chest and experienced myself giving up. Other points also emerged as I continued to research this point on the internet to see how I will place all the points, and so as I researched began to doubt myself around my experience level.
So the correction Here is to stick to the physical. Ok so I have gotten to a stage where it is not going “as planned” based on my desire which is my energetic projection of how I want it to go, and because the actual physical movement and my energetic projection did not align I went into this experience of “Oh it will never work” though I see the Key is simply to remain HERE. And to just keep walking the physical points. Focusing on the physical direction of the point. I see that this is a cycle, and I am in the “low point” or the stage of the cycle where I would “give in” as going into a point of depression for a while and then eventually starting up with the point again. So rather not go into these cycles. These cycles can go and play themselves out if they want but I will be there. I will be Here directing myself in the physical, so it is irrelevant what energy does as the point is to remain Here.
I fell on this point last time and had a little mini collapse and gave up. So cool to see that it is exactly the same point as before clarifying even further that it is in fact just an energetic cycle.
So breath, remain Here and direct myself in the physical and do not pay attention to the experience of myself of “not being able to do it” of “doubting myself” I mean in practical common sense, I haven’t actually even tested the point yet so have no actual real feed-back that it is not going to work. But rather just having an experience of doubt. So yes I must stick to Here, and not go into positive or negative energy charges about what may or may not happen, because I see that the only real indication of how things are going must be measured in the physical and so will stick to this and continue to move the physical points as they are still here to be moved/directed.

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Filed under Artist, Re-Creating Self and this World, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Exploring the point of Anger (Andrew) in Relation to Practical Labour.

Part 1 – Getting a Weekly Allowance – Preparing me to Accept the Current Money System

Ok so as a kid, we were expected to do ‘chores’ when we reached a certain age. And I mean, they were exactly that ‘Chores’. They were a ‘chore’ a ‘labour’ to do, and see that at this young age I began developing my relationship with ‘practical labour’ within starting the process of doing chores.
One also as a kid is expected to clean up after oneself where in if you play and make a mess, you cannot simply leave it and let someone else clean it up. So from this perspective I understood why I had to clean up after myself. Though I still see I did enjoy playing more than cleaning up after myself. Though in terms of more prominent memories in relation to this point of how and where I developed my relationship with ‘practical labour’ into a point where now I experience much resistance and anger and energy within and around when facing this aspect of my life.
We started getting an allowance in my family around the age of 5 or 6 years of age if remember correctly. My brother and I got paid the same amount even though he was one year older. We would get paid weekly and therefore had “weekly chores” some that I can remember is “doing the dishes” and “filling the wood-box” I think we would alternate weekly or daily tasks if I can remember correctly.
So we would do the chores and get the money at the end of the week. Of course only if we were ‘good’ Thus here already at such a young age money was being used to manipulate our behaviour where in money became a consideration of why we would act a certain way and do certain things. This was not based on ‘understanding’ but where money “stood in the place” of understanding and was the reason and motivation why we would have “good behaviour” and direct ourselves in doing chores. Then we would get the weekly prize or money, and with this we would “have access” to things that we wanted, like candy and toys and comics.
You have to ‘be good’ or you don’t get your ‘allowance’ as it was called. Which implied that whether something was ‘fair’ or “not fair”, was irrelevant – you simply were required to act in accordance to, or simply ‘allow’ “that something” to exist in your world whether fair or not, and “not cry” or make a fuss about it, thus you would get your ‘allowance money’ at the end of the week, for allowing such an atrocity implemented on humanity. Here being trained to allow the unjust abuse of this world like rape, murder, war, and overall inequality and not “make a fuss” about it, but rather “be good” as to get your weekly paycheck. Fascinating. I’m certain my parents did not actually see this point when giving us allowance as it is such an accepted point of normalcy within this reality.
The amount of our allowance would increase as we got older, slowly but surely, though was not “allot”,at least it was something, as most kids around my age got an allowance, some more than me and my brother and some less.
That was my “introduction” to the function and role of money. As we got a little older, we were “more expected” now to do the chores and as the allowance increased so did the amount of chores and responsibility. Interesting what was busy happening here is that my brother and me were within this process being ‘trained’ so to speak “how money worked” and “how it relates to practical reality” Though this being based particularly on “My Parents” understanding/beliefs of how money they were taught and works. And so as mentioned – as the money increased so did the amount of work that we required to do, to ‘earn’ this money. Though this is not actually how the money system currently worked. None the less, this was our training within it, which is effectively “perfect training” to create perfect slaves to the system who believe that “making ‘more’ money” is actually linked to “working harder”. I have to note here as well that this specific relationship with regards to how hard one have to work to get “a dollar” was ultimately being determined here early on in my childhood based on “how much money my parents” could afford to pay us kids. So here I learned if I work for one hour, I get ‘this much’ money. And so imprinted this point within me in terms of “how money works and functions” and how much one must work to “earn a dollar.
My parents did not even have to pay us actually, though it definitely worked as a good manipulation tool to get is to work and us “not putting up a fuss” So here rather than take the time to place sufficient understanding of why one is required to practical work in the physical to do chores, the money system was promptly brought into use as this was “easier” perhaps to get us to do stuff without “making a fuss”
So within this process of getting an allowance we were being trained, to function and exist in relation to money, instead of, in relation to a point of understanding how reality actually practically function. Thus when we come of age have been already imprinted and ultimately have unconsciously accepted the point of how money operate and how we are to get it and what we are supposed to do to get it. Which is “work really hard”, “be good”, “don’t make a fuss”, “you get more if you work more”, “you get more when your older”. And so this is points which I have placed as constructs within my belief system of how money works
I also see the point of “wanting the allowance” as that meant I could buy why I want, like by candy and comics and stuff, where these points where from a certain perspective ‘not available’ to me and my brother unless we had money, after all we were/are living in a world with a money system that requires to you have money to “get what you want” So here also we were imprinted in terms of how this point works, and I see clearly how “I liked getting money”, how I made the connection “on my own” which is, “if I get money I can buy what I want”. Subsequently I submitted and accepted this “allowance system” as I had no other way to “get money” to buy candy and comics and things that I wanted. I had no power at all. All the power was in the hands of my parents. And so I accepted that this is how reality works. I accepted that some things “were out of reach” unless you had money. I did not realize that this “perception/idea/belief was simply manmade and an out flow of the current money system. This is not how reality actually work – this is how the money system works. Which I ‘mistook’ and eventually accepted as ‘reality’.
In this system All the power is in the hands of the parents. I mean just because I am/was young, and a kid, does not mean my wants, needs, and desires, are any different than an adults.
Although this is exactly what was being implied within the allowance and money system in parents being the ones who ‘decide’ what is best for their child.
The only real difference between the “want for luxuries” of a child and the “want for luxuries” of an adult. Is a child has no way of “fulfilling these points” as in my case, I did not have any money. Where Parents have all the control and power and could simply buy treats for themselves when ever they desired to. So instead of giving us equal power as a birth right though giving us a “basic income” they “made us work for it” and “played god” and if we did not work “we did not get the money. Who knows if I would have ate to much candy without my parents to “regulate the point” though I am simply illustrating the nature of how “the current money system” was being already implemented into child at such a young age.
Fucking fascinating to see how even at this stage, the point of “scarcity” is being imprinted into a child. Rather than a point of Equality as Such is being introduced by Desteni as the “Equal Money System” So that all children will have access to candy and comics – lol. Well, meaning, the point of ‘depravity’ will not exist how I experienced it as a kid of not having access to of being deprived of those points which I desired and wanted which I clearly observed my parents had access to and fulfilled – That’s not fair.
I mean it sucked as a kid not being able to get treats when you went to the store. Always haveing to ask and like being a slave to your parents where they had all the power. I certainly did not! enjoy this. I felt so trapped, like there was nothing I could do and that this is how it worked. If your parents said no, that was it. It was final. Fuck, no candy or toys for me. So had to submit to the money/allowance system to get money which equalled getting candy, toys, comics. So I can see a point of anger here in terms of “this system” being angry at why I had to always ask if I could get candy or toys, and never could just get what I wanted. And that, which I will go into next, how I was ‘introduced’ into working for money, to be able to buy that which I wanted.
Its interesting because the allowance we got existed as a kind of “separate dimension” from practical reality, and it totally fucks with a being because, on the one hand, one understand that “you have to clean up after yourself” though on the other hand “here is a system that is being introduced and ‘implemented’ within your world that effectively “say’s the opposite” Where the rules are not the same as what you common senseically understand. So slowly but surely ones common sense is supplanted with the ‘rules’ of money, as one is ‘ripped away’ from practical reality to now function within this world in relation to and within the rules of money, which say, presents you with “an award” for what you would have done anyways, until eventually you stop directing yourself within common sense, unless the reward is given, because one find out that without the reward, one is not able to “move or function in this world” This system is obviously stupid. Coercing one to eventually give up common sense practical application in place of only directing oneself in that where one get the reward of money.
Ok so next point I will explore is some of the specific practical jobs I was required to do growing up and continue to investigate this point of Anger in relation to doing “practical labour”

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Filed under equal money system, Life Experiences, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing