Tag Archives: anger

My Experience of Me Today

When I woke up this morning I went upstairs to make a drink before getting into things. Plus I still had to decide what I was going to do exactly with my time before I went to work. I have been getting up earlier recently so that I have some time to do things before I go to work. This has been much more supportive than the pattern of sleeping right until its time to go, then get up and go directly to work. So now its like I have “2 days” in one. Because I had been so long sleeping in the mornings now to be getting up earlier its cool. I find I am much more relaxed also, and am able to just do things at a normal pace instead of feeling constricted in my spare time. I ended up working on my SRA assignment this morning before heading off to work.

I left for work and went through the drive-through at Tim Horton’s and got a Hot Chocolate. Perhaps tomorrow I should prepare my own drink at home. Recently on my way to work I have been applying self forgiveness in my car. I also “talk points out” meaning just speak out loud on certain points I am working on. And really just practicing and exploring self forgiveness as I drive to work.

When I arrived at work, everybody was just getting there. My boss called me over to carry some stuff but when I got to the truck there was only a small saw to be carried. I reacted within myself at being called over “for nothing” like a slight reaction came up within me in relation to this idea that my boss was only calling me over to do that because “I am a worker” therefore “I must work” and that this point was being considered over practical common sense of the moment in that there was no real practical reason to call me over in that moment. This point also came up of me being a slave, which has been a point that I have been looking at recently and also applying some self forgiveness on.

In this moment the reaction point was a point of anger in relation to me experiencing myself as being treated as a slave, one aspect of this being due to me not having money and thus not having any power in this world where I then become the subject/slave of those with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and blame my boss when I perceive that he is wanting me to work, and do things, because he is paying me and wants the most for his dollar, where within this he does not see me or consider me as his equal but as his worker, and also here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated by the fact that I am in my bosses position making all the money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry within myself and blame my boss for my situation of feeling like I will never get ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for “never getting ahead” from the perspective of believing that there is something wrong with me or that no matter what I do, I am simply doomed to my programming as the programming that was passed down through my family, specifically from my father, which will inevitably lead to me being poor or remaining poor with only so much money for the rest of my life.

I walked up into the worksite to check out what was done the last day I was not there. We got started on a fence, beginning where it was left off the day before. It was a slat fence and so we, one by one, put up these slats building each section of the fence. I worked with this one guy who I find awkward to work with. I find my physical movements become rushed and jerky and I end up dropping things or making allot more mistakes then when I am just relaxed and giving a point direction. With this guy I find I go into this state of anxiety or haste when ever I work on projects with him. I find he as well work this way, and thus always knocks stuff over or makes mistakes, and so it can be a challenge to work with this guy. Though has brought up allot of points within myself to look at/face so that is cool. Lots of fears of conflict and fear of anger and also this point of “being a slave” that I touched upon earlier as well. Oh yes and “blame” Where in I am seeing I am constantly wanting to go into blame towards him, but must correct myself to rather go into a point of Self Forgiveness than blame.

We also got another new guy today. I saw him from a distance coming into the yard and shaking hands with my boss. My first reaction to him was that “he was tall” lol. Normally one have a first impression of a being, but I did not have that, I definitely had a first “reaction” as I immediately reacted in a point of judgement/assessment as I observed him from a distance. He was younger, and he was tall. Younger is cool because I find when people are younger they are normally easier to get along with where when you have older people, they have more engrained patterns and thus react allot more, and are more “set” in their ways.

We had a break around 11:00am and my boss brought coffee’s and doughnuts, though I had a tea, because I am doing 21 days no coffee which has been quite cool support in terms of just having a point which break apart, or “throw a wrench into” my normal routine / daily pattern. Because now its all different where normally it would just be the same where in “ok now I go have coffee” and simply walk through the point of having coffee without a ruffle at all in my normal flow of things. And because I did this around 2 to 4 times a day, now I have 2 to 4 times a day where things are different, now I go and make some tea, and its just different. Getting the tea bag, and putting in some honey and deciding what tea to have, and then the experience of drinking the tea, so yes, the 21 days no coffee has been cool support so far.

So anyways on coffee break I spoke with the new guy to get to know him a bit. I noticed that he looked at the ground when he spoke with me. This was quite peculiar. I wondered if he had an older brother or father that would yell at him or something, because it seemed like when ever he would talk it was being done from the starting point of “shame” like just in speaking he is doing something wrong already.

Ok stopping here, I have some files to send to the printer before I go to bed, and so am going to do this now. I am preparing myself for doing snow removal this winter again so am getting some business cards printed. Perhaps I will discuss this in the next blog. And explore some aspects/points of taking on doing snow removal again to support myself through the winter to have sufficient money coming in.

Goodnight.

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Having a Closer Look at my Day – Desteni Process Blog

I woke up to my alarm this morning at 6am…I got up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed. It had not so this meant I did not have to go out to work, which I was not expecting anyways. So I got back under my warm covers telling myself it was only for a moment. I laid there and allowed the point of possibly falling back to sleep all the while attempting to motivate myself through thinking to get up and out of bed. I eventually got up at 6:45. I experienced anger and guilt. But not allot, where I find the longer I sleep in past my alarm then the more anger and guilt I experience, depending also on where I am “in the cycle” meaning if this is a repeating point then I tend to become more angry and have more guilt. Ok so I was up and was a bit angry with myself but not much I can do about it now.
I don’t see, or have found that I am not able to “forgive myself” for doing this, because that would be like trying to forgive yourself “after the fact” for doing something instead of applying forgiveness in the moment to support self to push through a specific resistance. The correction for this point as I have I am sure mentioned before is to simply stick to the alarm and stop allowing myself to short change myself when I see I am capable of doing something.
On my way to work this afternoon I decided to stop and get a coffee which I often do when going to work, I noticed as I pulled up into the parking-lot that I experienced a little electrical experience of excitement rising out of my stomach and into my chest area, like one of those “sparkler thingy’s” that you light and they fizzzzzz and shoot off bright sparks all over. This was definitely a positive charge from the perspective of maybe possibly seeing someone that I might find attractive working or being in the cafe, so it is like this aspect of relationship still existing inside of me which “pops up” in moments because I can see that this seemingly small electrical charge that came up is actually connected to the relationship point and sex point.
As I walked towards the cafe from my van, In one moment I lost my footing on the ice and nearly fell but adjusted my feet in time to catch myself before I fell. I experienced my ‘ego’ come up immediately and showed me how extensively I was/am existing within my ego personality from the perspective when I slipped I experienced embarrassment as now my ‘image’ of who I was in that moment existing as completely shattered, as in that moment I was cool and collected, and serious, and professional, and precise and surely do not slip on the ice and flail my arms all about to try and re-gain balance. So it was a physical movement point here to in how I move within my specific presentation. Such a fuck up as the “Flux” I experienced as movement as embarrassment was quite allot from my perspective which indicate the degree I was not Here but rather existing as an ego, and I am seeing to also how this become more prominent as I go out in public. Upon entering the cafe I experienced immediate relief within myself, like a point of inner relaxation come over me as I noticed it was a male working the till, as I experienced fear that there may be an attractive women working the till. This is actually quite an odd point. Ok so I experience excitement within myself that I might encounter an attractive women. But then I go into fear over this point to the degree where I tense up and am no longer myself at all, and then when seeing it is a male working the till, I completely relax and am able to “be myself” otherwise I would just be this robot locked in fear if it were an attractive women. So yes obviously this point requires specific direction so that I no longer have this reaction at all to women but rather get to the point where I am not longer controlled by this point but that I am directive, here, myself, with no matter who.
I Got my coffee and went, I did not tip, felt a slight negative charge, guilt, what will they think that I did not tip.
Coffee was perfect. I was pleased and looked at the person who made my coffee thinking he is experienced at his job and is stable in making the coffees and so got a cool coffee.
When I got to work I again experienced that slight excitement within rising from my stomach into my chest, this was due to a worker that I have not yet met but only know of and wondering if today maybe I will meet this person and what she might look like. So same point as before, relationship and sex. In these moments I simply breath and do not go into the point. Sometimes I go into it but I realize the point is to simply not, to breathe and just breathe and support self to remain here with and as self and stop all participation in energy, this is the understanding that I apply.
You know, what goes up must come down. I am seeing this point now as well within my writing here from the perspective of writing from and within the starting point of energy where in if I build up all this energy to write a blog and then launch myself into it, it is like this rolling ball of momentum until the energy runs out and then the blog is over. Rather I see the point of being constant and consistent within the point of writing where I support myself by not accepting and allowing myself to go into energy when I write as what goes up must come down. So within this I can support myself in my process as I do much writing and have been exploring this point of remaining Here within and as the physical as I direct myself within my world and in this case writing as a way to be more consistent and not “burn out” all of the sudden.
So will be cool also to just expand this point and identify all the moments and points within my world where I access energy and to stabilize myself here by rather than moving within my day within and as energy, I direct myself within and as the physical and stick to the physical and breath as I walk. It is quite interesting to see how extensively I have existed within energy in my life as I always considered myself to be “more stable” and not so much energetic but am now seeing that I live much of the time within and as energy, and so to step out of this “existing as energy” has been cool, and from a certain perspective has only just begun. This entire reality is based on energy, on positive and negative and so will be pretty cool to see how it goes in terms of walking the process of “stepping out of energy” from the perspective of being directed and moved and influenced by this but rather where one direct oneself Here as Life as the practical consideration of what is best for all. So it is a change in principle so to speak, from the principle of directing myself according to energy, to directing oneself according to what is best for all.

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My apparent problems not actually Real.

So over the last week, I basically stopped applying myself and gave up on myself for a moment allowing myself to go into a form of depression and existing in the mind. Allowing myself to believe that this depression and “way I am feeling” actually has power over me and there was “nothing I could do”. Though I see now that this is not so – In one of the recent desteni videos I watched, the point was mentioned of how people who are homeless don’t have the luxury to have addictions as their world simply does not permit it as they are forced in a way to just focus on survival and do not have time to entertain addictions or such points of self interest. So this is the point that came up today as I was looking at this point. I realized that my application of depression and giving up myself was simply not valid as it really was only considering myself. I had given power to this application of “being depressed” and believed that there was nothing I could do to get out of it. As I simply did not have the will to direct myself within my world to do the necessary actions to support what is best for all. “Well how convenient for me”. Having food, internet connection if I want it, warm bed, movies to watch, house to live in, all of this, and there are millions dying this instant because they have no food to eat or basic support, and here I am not willing to support because I have some “emotional problem” I mean take away my food, my home, my car, my internet, my basic support, then I will have a real problem. As along as I have the basic physical support, food to eat, place to sleep, I have no excuse for why I am not applying myself in every moment. If I am unable to find the will to do it for myself, then I do it for those that are starving to death right now, as this is what I would want if I were in their shoes, for those that are actually capable of applying and directing themselves in this world to do so to support those that at the moment are not able to. So in Self-Honesty if I dare utter the word, it is obvious that I was only living/existing in Self-Interest, and not actually looking at my Actual self-honest experience/situation of me where really there was nothing but my own self created/accepted emotional problems standing in the way of me directing myself to support what is best for all. In other words, there was really nothing standing in my way at all. I guess though I was judging myself quite a bit, and was/am dealing with layers of emotional shit which actually becomes a physical experience of self, but I mean in asking the question of if I am doing all I can do to support and direct myself the answer is no, and that it is clear that despite who I believe myself to be, I am still physically capable of supporting much more effectively than I am at the moment. Ok.

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Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010

A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually  simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.

 

I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself  through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.

 

Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.

 

Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.

 

Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .

 

And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.

 

I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant.  And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.

 

In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way

Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough.

Its like the point of supporting laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.

 

I forgive myself for not allowing myself  to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being

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