Tag Archives: expression

COOL to be CRUEL

I want to communicate about communication. About this world’s normal accepted way of communicating and interacting with one another, and how this “normal” accepted communication and interaction, what we call funny or entertaining or harmless is in fact extensive abuse towards life.

This abuse often gets hidden behind or masked with sarcasm or joking/humour or laughter but what is actually being implied by and through ones jokes is in fact quite cruel and does not in any way support another human being to become a empowered confident expression of life, but simply diminish the other into a position where one then see believe oneself to be inferior and then judge oneself. Basically what I am saying here is that the way we have come to communicate with one another on this planet is within a suppressing, diminishing nature, instead of a supportive encouraging one.

I mean for instance when one go to the shop and bring home a nice plant that they want to set on their kitchen table or window sill and have it blossom and grow and live there in the home with them. They do not firstly take it outside and dump it on the pavement and then crush it under their foot, stamping on it until it is trampled and dead. That would be considered stupidity – Yet this is exactly what I see being done as and through our normal accepted way of interacting and communicating with each other in this world. Strangely it is not even being noticed.

So I suggest the obvious commons sense of giving the plant some water and within the context of this discussion, communicate with other beings from the starting point of SUPORT. We are Here to support the development of self and others equally as life to grow and become a dignified expression that support itself and all life with the utmost care and direction to ensure the expansion, growth and expression of who we are as life. This is definitely NOT! Happening at all, and all you have to do to see it is observe what has come to be our “normal” accepted and allowed mode of communication and interaction with each other.

This particular point has come up quite a bit at work, where I observe my co-workers interacting and joking around though what I see is utter abuse and diminishment of life. Making fun of or diminishing other human beings as a joke? Ridiculing another human being as a joke? Calling another human names as a Joke?

The word that came up the other day after a few months of observing this type of “regular” communication between my co-workers is CRUELTY. At the core of the communication which is all jokey and sarcastic on the surface is in fact Cruelty.

From my perspective my co-workers have not encountered any other way or type of communication to replace humanities overall accepted way of communication.

I mean even listen to what is being pumped and impulsed onto/into us through your cities local popular radio stations…where being dumb and impractical is actually considered cool and something that if one aspire to they will be seen as cool.

I do not support stupidity and impracticality. I rather support being practical, functional and pushing self to develop into an effective human being.

It is a TRAP. What you here on the radio and what your friends are talking about. Its like everyone just agrees that these types of things are supposedly funny and cool. Buy WHY? Who come up with this ridiculous idea.

Aspiring to be dumb is dumb

Homer Simpson comes to mind.

This character made being dumb funny and something to aspire to. Quite fascinating actually. And currently we have evolved and really what we laugh at and aspire to be today makes Home Simpson look like a Genius.

If I look at why this kind of communication is actually becoming more and more and more in this world, and this is in relation to the point of it “being cool”. Thus then A point of motivation for why  someone would ridicule another is because “that is what is funny” and or “Cool” Thus they are not doing to be cruel per-se. They are doing it be funny and cool!  It just so happens that it is F-ing Cruel. But that is overlooked because “it is funny” and “people are laughing at what I am doing” and so “I feel good and important” and so the this viscous behaviour of cruelty and diminishment towards life is perpetuated.

When I was on the Desteni Farm this was where I experienced first hand the affect of communication and interaction that is actually done from the starting point of Support. The point was no longer to try and catch someone doing something so you can embarrass them or laugh at their expense so that you look better. Nope. It was to look at how in any situation you can actually support another being through how you communicate and interact with them.

From this perspective then something like embarrassment will in a way begin to disappear within bringing forth communication done from the starting point of Support within a principle of equality and oneness. Because if one fuck up or make a mistake it will not be like it is now where one is so afraid to make a mistake because they know that there “friends” will be right there to “give them a hard time” which actually means ridicule and diminish them under the guise of sarcasm and “joking around” But it is really not. It is in fact extensively cruel.

This is why I support an equal money system as within the emergence and development of an equal money system we will also change the way we communicate and interact with each other so that our words are like water that encourage the growth and expression of life in every moment and stop being like a boot that crush the life out of a being to only empower ones ego and own self importance.

Stop the abuse within communication and push self to always communication from the starting point of equals and in a way that support and encourage life, as this will bring forth a truly empowered human being.

Here is a Vlog done by Sean Sharing his Specific Experience in relation to this point : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMYAkv0t0ak&feature=share

www.equalmoney.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

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Filed under Equal Life Living, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Uncategorized, Work and Business, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Sharing My Daily Process – Settling in At Landscaping Job

So at work at the moment, we are building a fence. A cedar fence. It smells nice and I enjoy working with the wood. I have been cutting allot on the table saw, and the saw slice through the wood quite smooth as the wood is ‘soft’ So I have been busy on this project at work for the whole week. I have enjoyed now starting work and the process of working. There is quite a bit of “moving points” within the job that one must require to align together at certain points in time, and so am pushing myself to get effective with my direction within all this, and essentially just becoming as effective as possible at doing my job.
I have now been more busy the last 2 weeks at this job so things are still opening up and from a certain perspective everyone is still busy aligning with each other, and adjusting ourselves, from the perspective of puzzle pieces which must make some adjustments so that all pieces fit together as one unit, so from this perspective each one is still finding how everything is going to work and move etc.
Each day I see points where I can improve myself within my application at work so this is cool, as I would like to be getting the most out of each moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing.
I mean this is full-on work in the system now so would like to get precise, meticulous, specific, stable, and as directive as possible within this. So yes as mentioned, I am seeing each day areas where I can be more effective.
Like for instance today I was looking at the point of not accepting and allowing myself to be lazy in my communication at any point in the day, where in I do not communicate a point thoroughly and precise but just kind of say what ever comes up, but not really taking on that point of stopping for a moment before I speak from the perspective of making sure that the words I speak are actually going to be clear and give effective direction, as I noticed I would at times, blur words together or not explain my point through using words in my vocabulary that would have made the entire explanation much easier to grasp.
Aside from work, another interesting point came up today as I was standing in the shopping mall. The point is that I noticed that I was seeing/experiencing people as if they were ‘mean’ or “out to get me” or “would get angry” if I spoke or communicated with them. So this is interesting as I have accepted and allowed myself to within this develop a fear of people. Why? Well because I simply expect them to get angry or mad at me or be annoyed at me or things of this nature, if I am even in their presence, let alone actually communicate with them. Because of this perception I had/have towards people, I Always hold-back, and retract myself and never ever communicate with people or strangers, as it is like I expect them to “lash out” So this is one side of it, and I also see a fear of have of the presence of people. What I mean is its like I feared to actually ‘address’ that presence of the being, or bring myself to that level where I am actually communicating with the being as their self presence but rather I would always just speak to them from the perspective of mind/fear, as from a certain perspective I feared actually bringing myself to that point of where I am actually seeing/addressing/experiencing the presence of the being. It is a point of Self Intimacy, and so in seeing this today at the shopping mall, I asked myself; what is it that I am so afraid of as to why I would not ever want to actually stand before a being and actually speak to them like a human being, but always just talk at them reciting pre-programmed phrases but never ever actually communicating anything. It was like I was afraid of actually communicating with them.
It was like I was afraid of what the might say or immediately go into defence mode, and stuff like this. I will investigate this point more and see what else comes up.
So those were a few points from today.

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The Way Of The Destonian

I went and voted today in our Canadian Election. I had some resistance to doing this simply out of laziness, and I could see I had no real reason to not go. I had some back-chat excuses that came up, like “It is pointless” or “ it doesn’t matter anyways” or “its to late anyways” or “you don’t have the right ID” But With the Tools that I have now been developing / applying within the “Desteni I Process” I could see that I was resisting and simply attempting to come up with some excuse to justify me not going, which was not acceptable and thus I did not accept such excuses and pushed myself to go. This has been a cool point with the Desteni I Process, where in, within participating with DIP, one actually start to become more aware of themselves and how they are actually creating their reality, and thus stop accepting and allowing themselves to essentially just be slaves to their thoughts, feelings and emotions, but rather start becoming more directive and effective within their world. Particularly how we as human beings exist as and consist of primarily Excuses and Justifications, and that this has become our way of being, and so with Desteni I Process one actually start to take on this beingness of self and begin the process of developing self that Stand Up For Life and stop the excuses and start taking Responsibility for themselves, this earth, and what is here.

I went over with my roommate and we both voted. As we walked into the school where we were to vote there were some kids there making some comments with regards to us being there voting, like “thanks for voting” and cheering and things, lol.

Its funny, voting is considered the “right thing to do”, like if you vote, than you are good and responsible, and if you do not vote than you are bad and an outcast. The Kids thanking us for voting obviously had no idea what voting is actually about and were basically just saying that stuff because they believed that if they did, they would get approval of some kind or that they were doing “the right thing”.
Its sad that we are programming children this way, to speak and act in ways that they do not understand, but are only trained to believe, with no background as to why it is that way. They are trained to simply accept something as right because their parents or some adult says, “that is right and that is wrong” without actually giving the child the understanding as the actual specific workings, details and context of why something is right or wrong. It is simply – “that is right and that is wrong, and do not question me”.
And in this we DESTROY Life and DESTROY Children.
This world is such a mess.
Voting is such a mess. Why not just teach every individual on earth how the earth actually works and bring everyone to the same understanding so that it is absolutely clear to all individuals what is required to be done to ensure the effective management of this earth in terms of what is best for all.

In this we would not have to endure the election process where you simply have world leaders attempting to convince individuals that they have the best answer though within all of this – The Entire Picture is never seen nor understood. Its all about ‘maybes’ and ‘what if’s’, ‘opinions’

Politicians along with everyone else have come to such a complacent acceptance of this world and the way it is and no more see how ABSURD it actually is.

Like for example having locks on your car door so that nothing gets stolen. This is so common, to have locks on your car door. So that we can lock the car at night or when we go into the store so we do not get robbed. This is strange. There should be no reason for Locks. Human Begins should actually walk/live in self respect and dignity and treat all other humans with dignity as they themselves would want to be treated.

At the moment locks on your car door is simply accepted by everyone and no one seems to notice what this is implying – Everyone Still existing within a “that’s just the way it is” mind-set, so much so that they will argue for this and not consider it possible to live in a world where such seemingly normal things a locks and locking your car door is not necessary because each being on earth would actually honor one another, and not need or require to steal anything.

Most people are this way and are quick to say – Its not possible to create such a world, where humans no longer steal and cheat and lie.
There is however a group that simply does not accept such limitations. There is a group that SEE that for example we should not have to lock are doors at night, that it is actually possible to bring forth a world without war, poverty, a group who are not accepting the limitation that “its just human nature and there is nothing that can be done”

I stand with this group, as I see that I cannot stand with such a world that accept such atrocious acts and ways of living to be “just how it is” Utter Bull-shit this is.

This Group is Desteni, and I stand with this group because I much prefer to stand with beings who push for self respect, dignity and a world that is Best for ALL. One aspect I enjoy about participating with Destonians is I do not have to manipulate anyone when I speak to them or deal with them trying to deceive and manipulate me, to get an fix or energy as an energetic high to fuel their ego. These EGO EXCHANGES are much less within the Destonian Community and I find this allows for myself to be able to actually breath and relax and enjoy my experience.
There literally is a Kindness that comes through with the desteni group, A kindness that is extremely rare in this world. And I am not talking about “people who are nice to you” I am talking about people who understand themselves and their experience of self in such a way where they are not constantly projecting their inner suppressed anger, frustrations and bull-shit onto you. I mean you can be as nice as you want but behind this be actually having nasty thoughts about the person and blaming the person for all sorts of stuff. This is really not cool and I find this is how this world exit.

At desteni Each one is willing to take responsibility for themselves to the utmost degree and take responsibility for each thought that come up and all that is going on inside themselves. Because of this I don’t have to constantly be on the look out for beings projecting their shit onto me or another or blaming me or another, because Destonians are actually standing up and taking responsibility for themselves, where in fact I have found literally no one in this world that does this or is even aware of the point of taking absolute self responsibility for themselves and what goes on inside themselves.

I am not saying that it never happens, because this is a process, though it is definitely a relief to be interacting with beings that are aware of this point of taking absolute self responsibility for everything of themselves and essentially all that is HERE. I mean this is fucking cool shit, participating with Beings that are Willing to Take Absolute FULL Responsibility for ALL that is Here, for all that exist on this Earth. Each One standing within this point and taking this point on and not accepting excuses or saying “why should I have to take responsibility for someone else”

So Yes, I much rather participate with Beings who will NOT accept any such excuse But simply see the common sense in Standing Up and taking responsibility for ALL that is HERE, no matter what. I mean From this perspective Destonians Really Get Shit Done and do not ever pass the responsibility off to someone else saying “oh its not my responsibility”

If you are tired of a world where all that exist are excuses and justifications, and limitations, suggest to investigate the Desteni I Process – http://desteniiprocess.com/ Because this is the training to educate ourselves to actually become Responsible Individuals to the utmost Degree, accepting no more excuses or justifications, but just Getting it Done. No more accepting this world that we have created, and such points as having to lock are doors at night – I mean com’on people, what is the point of giving up on that which you really actually want this world to be like. Like the way you expected it to be when you were a child, where you actually had the freedom to express yourself – That is if you were not dying of starvation somewhere.
At Desteni we are a group of individuals who are not accepting this world how it is and are coming together to bring about a change. At the moment one of the Primary Goals is the bringing about of an Equal Money System , where we actually replace the current money system with an New Equal Money System. And before you accept that experience within yourself coming up as you read this where you simply dismiss this or believe this is not possible – I would suggest to consider the point that in dismissing the equal money system, you are essentially implying that you agree with this current world, of crime, war, extensive poverty, child labour , starvation, stress of money, and basically struggling to survive each day.

As long as we stand by this current world the way it is – nothing will ever change, and from my perspective, I have had enough of this world and thus participate fully in the Bringing forth of an equal money system, and a world that is actually the world we have always wanted to live in, and that supports ALL individuals to live and express and explore themselves.

Equal Money Website – http://www.equalmoney.org
Become a Destonian – http://desteniiprocess.com/
Desteni Main Website – http://www.desteni.co.za

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Breathe and Let it Go.

I started my job today. I have been waiting for this day to come up as now there will likely be a transformation of sorts taking place in terms of my normal day to day. So should be cool actually. Simply breath through the transition. And not get caught up in any reactions/thoughts that come up inside of me. I have noticed this lately that if/when a thought, or an emotion, or feeling come up that it is like I have a bullseye on it immediately instead of rather just breathing and letting it go.

So no need to give a thought, feeling, emotion, fear, worry, any more value or importance than needed. In fact the point is to not give it any attention/value but to simply just breathe, let it go and continue.

Its like the point of “fearing your own fear” like fearing fear that has not even come up yet – lolol. Walking on egg shells. Like if for example one thought come up or a fear or something and thinking its the end of the world, or for that matter, if a bunch of thoughts come up or fears come up, rather than give value to this stuff, simply let it go. And direct.

Its like we are addicted to giving our fears value, and are worries, that because this come up inside of us, that we must pay attention to it. So I will work on not doing this. But remaining cool…like even. And rather stick to breath, as in breath there are no thoughts, or worries or feelings and emotions. So stick to breath,simplicity and practical application, and stop trusting a fear comes up over trusting myself. Its like one tiny fear come up then I place it in a projector and project the thing massive like in the batman  movies when they project the batman symbol into the sky or onto a building.

So rather than “stop the presses” when a thought comes up or an emotion or feeling,  Simply let it go, give no attention to and and let it whisp away  into nothingness. And continue to direct myself here within and as the physical and stop existing in the mind.

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Process Update – Managing My World. (3 Stories)

I am definitely within an application of “avoidance” at the moment, and allowing my mind to direct me. This morning I slept in until 7am when I planned to get up at 6am, though within me last night I can see that I “was not up for it” and believing 6am was to early as I was quite exhausted last night. And so I ‘intended’ to get up but overslept my alarm. I experienced guilt immediately upon waking as I started doing a 21 days 6 hours sleep process.

So when waking I went into a point of guilt and noticed also that I was “less directive” in my day, as I was in a way, allowing me to remain ‘stuck’ in this energy of guilt and slowness. Like a point of “I have failed”
When if I practically look at the situation, I mean it was 7am instead of 6am, practically speaking that will have not “great affect” on my day, and it is more practical to let go of the point and start directing myself in that which I require to do today.

I saw that I allowed the point of guilt in a way as an accepted experience of self when I “fail at something” or “fall on a point” – Though the energetic experience I was allowing was not related practically to my reality but more on past experiences of guilt as what I noticed is that my day is Still Here in front of me, and so pointless to allow me to exist in this point of guilt, like making a big point of nothing really.

Its interesting I see that I within this point have allowed this very initial starting point of the waking up in the morning determine the rest of my day, instead of me being the starting point of me in every moment here, where in any given moment, I can correct self, instead of locking myself into a cycle where I have to wait for the next opportunity.

I remember on the farm I was faced a few times with the point of experiencing a point of depression, and that I could allow myself to exist within this point of depression, and regret, or I could Stop, and get up off my ass and apply myself within my world.

This is the point that I saw this morning, where I realized that I do not have to exist within this point of guilt or depression which was “triggered by sleeping in” Fuck that, I can Stop, and correct myself and start applying myself in my day.

Last night I met with an x-girlfriend of mine who I had been in a relationship with for 8 years and who I broke up with around the time I started with desteni.

So was interesting to sit and chat last night as I had not spoken with her for couple years now.

I noticed that I within the discussion I experience quite a bit of paint in my upper shoulders, back and neck as we communicated, so see a point of straining myself and clenching myself within during our communication last night where I was accessing points of mind within our interaction and within communicating. So interesting to see this tension and pain come up immediately within starting to communicate with this being.

Its like a point of “really wanting to get a message though” within which I tense up my entire back and shoulders. And even a point of not trusting my expression, communication, words to communicate effectively.

Like wanting her to agree with me and see and understand my words and affirm what it is I am speaking about.

Though overall the conversation/discussion was quite cool.

Another point that occurred yesterday was that the point of doing “furniture assembly and delivery” for the furniture shop I am currently working with opened up.

This is quite a cool point and can see there is some excitement within me towards this though , I am also experiencing a “straining” within this excitement I experience, like “what if things don’t work out” so it is like two adverse points manifesting a strain within me.

So basically yesterday within discussion of possibly expanding my duties at the furniture shop, I inquired if “they have a delivery service” because I had noticed that there are usually a few items in the back waiting to be picked up by customers and most often these items are smallish – and so wondered if “there was a market for this” in where why not I “Offer the service of doing the delivery” as I at the moment have a van and so can fit in some smaller items for delivery.

So I discussed the point some with the owner and she said she would pass along my number to clients, and also recommend me to clients who require small furniture delivery.

So this is quite exciting because I see here another opportunity of taking this point on as a business, of which I can do furniture delivery and assembly. So I have done some research today on the point and this seems very realistic so am going to take this point on, as I also see that this will not simply “end after winter” like the “Snow Removal Service” but can actually walk this point and develop this point for a longer period of time.

So now I am at the stage where, I see this point and am exceeded, yet must breathe as reality only move so fast and thus must take this point on “practically” and “common sensically” and like the “Snow Removal Business” There are points of uncertainty with regards to money, and how/if I will manage the point of getting this going.

I also got a call yesterday which I have not yet returned about, would ya know it, doing “furniture assembly” lol – I actually had found a job application online doing this and inquired about the point which funny enough, opened up inside of me the point of inquiring with my current company about offering my services through them. Lol,

So this is quite funny as this is similar to what happened with the snow removal service where I initially “began the point” by browsing through jobs, and going for a job interview, and then within looking at the whole point deciding to simply “do the point for myself” instead of “working for others” doing something I can actually do on my own.

So I am sure I will update later to indicate/show, what’s working, and what not, and the type of specificity and application required to ensuring that these “businesses or service offers” are practically functional. Though for now will keep it simply and keep it physical.

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Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me.

So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes.

I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again.

I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”.

So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’

I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently.

Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself.

I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me.

It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”.

So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy…first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him.

I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side.

I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans.

So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night.

Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point.

Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out”

Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up.

It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction.

I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it.

So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing.

They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of.

So will see how this point goes with the Job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

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The Gift of Responsibility – Oct 17/10

A Clarification/Self Correction with Regards to Self Responsibility.

 

I have realized a point with regards to Self Responsibility where I have seen within myself and my world where I was accepting and allowing a point of limitation. This revealed as I was busy searching for a job. As I would go through each listing, and explore different possibilities, I noticed that some jobs in particular “called-for” a certain degree of Responsibility and commitment of the individual. When applying for jobs of this nature, I ‘observed’ the point of where I would think to myself that if I were to do that job, I would really be taking on a point of responsibility and in that I would be able to develop myself within this point of responsibility. What I noticed though was that in doing this I was actually accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the point of self responsibility that exist Here in every moment, from the perspective of believing that I must first have a job which demanded commitment and responsibility before I was apply to be responsible or committed. I had abdicated this point of self responsibility and commitment from myself Here, to a point “out there”, as a job, which if I had, would then require me to be responsible and committed. I have realized within this that I was limiting myself from the perspective of not considering the point of actually taking on responsibility and commitment HERE as Myself in each and every moment, and not “wait” in order to this, in by first having a certain job that allowed me to be responsible and committed. I had abdicated and separated myself from “my power” as myself HERE in the moment. Not allowing myself to Walk Absolute Self Responsibility and Commitment Here as myself in every moment. I do not have to wait for job to do this. Thus within this realization I correct myself in by seeing and realizing that the point of self responsibility is able to walked HERE in each and every moment as myself. No more waiting, so to speak. But rather I direct myself HERE within my world in this point of responsibility that I observed and seen within certain specific jobs. I realize that I do not require a job first to be responsible, and walk dedication, commitment, and self responsibility, but that this is something that Self Must Walk in every moment and every breath. Thus Self Responsibility is Here as Myself and I no longer accept and allow myself to limit myself within the believe that I am not able to develop the point of self responsibility from where I stand in this moment. I give me back my power, and as I see that in waiting, I am only coming up with excuses and justifications as to why or how my current situation is not good enough, or does not have the right aspects to be able to develop me in the way that I want. I no longer accept and allow this abdication of myself as self responsibility and self commitment. I see that I was only limiting myself within my expression and application of self and thus Stand Corrected Here as myself, and apply myself within the ‘absolute’ point of self responsibility and self commitment that I had perceived to be out there somewhere. Thus, this gives new ‘meaning’ so to speak. To getting up in the morning. And no more accepting and allowing myself to exist within a point of not standing up within my world, in every moment of my world as self responsibility, commitment, and dedication, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, no matter if I am at a job or not, as I see that in not doing this is now only an excuse within self ignorance as I see the point of being able to stand as absolute Self Responsibility HERE in every moment. Self Responsibility is the Gift I give to myself as I will myself to Direct myself within my world as the absolute point of self responsibility and no longer separate me from this possibility, from this Responsibility. And no longer accept and allow the limitation of believing that the “greater responsibility” lies “out-there” somewhere. It is Here as Myself , though it is required to be walked, embraced, and lived as myself where I bring this realization into and as myself as a living application of Self.

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Finding a Job that is Best for ALL – Writing Myself to Freedom – 2010/10/13

So looking at my experience today.

Words to Describe/Indicate Experience of myself/my world

Eventful

Intense

Allot happening

Anxiety

Fun

No foundation

Packed

Perplexed

This was quite interesting today. I had just spent the last month here in Calgary, basically working on desteni stuff and kind of just getting myself re-oriented with how to “live in this world” and taking care of paperwork etc. In the meantime, was considering eventual points like getting a job, or education, and making money, and also getting to know myself within this process from the perspective of this being really the first time I have or am placed directly in the system. So here I was also investigating myself within this, and get to know what it means to stand in the system from my current vantage point. This last week I was quite busy looking for a job, and have been busy also since being here in Calgary with exploring the point of applying myself in such things as art, and considering this within the greater context of How I am going to and am currently placed within this world, and looking at how this support what is best for all. I am referring to the last week specifically because is was kind of a ‘drag’ so to speak. I experienced much resistance and was going more into points of distraction. Also the point of “what am I going to do with myself” was starting to become more and more pressurized to speak, and I was noticing that within myself there was more fears, concerns, worries, doubts, and an overall, anxiousness of what all was going to happen. Then there was about 3 days where everything just stopped. It was like no e-mails were coming in, and nothing was moving, like someone put a plug in the system or something, it was like very very quiet I guess you could say. This was my experience anyhow.  Then Last night, I started getting a flow of emails, it was quite an interesting observation actually where all of the sudden “things were now moving” I am not sure exactly what was going on here, but it was like, “the plug was pulled” and the system started moving again. Or like one cycle coming to a halt, and then all of the sudden another one beginning. So I’m wondering if anyone else had a similar experience, or this “movement” was only specific to me – it was quite an obvious observation so this is why I am noting it here. So in things now ‘moving’ again, or starting to come through I have found myself today quite engaged within requiring to move and direct certain points within my world.

The point about a new job opened up which I went for an interview today, which will go into in more detail

As well I am on my way in a few minutes to an interview about my art with a newspaper which came through last night as well

And another point is a potential sale of one of my art pieces that went through over the internet which will require me to actually drive 8 hours to my home town to collect the work.

So things here moving, after months of ‘nothing’ today quite busy, so it has been somewhat unexpected and am not yet seeing exactly how this all came to be in terms of the where and how I have created each one of these points in my reality.

So because things have been previously moving at a slower pace, I find today, I am looking at “ok, how do I ground myself” Breath! This is the immediate point which come up so will apply this. Simplicity.

Ok here I am going to go into specific detail about my experience in relation to “The Job Interview”.

So I applied for this job at a horse ranch. When I first noticed the add, I thought “ok this could be interesting” I mean within the process of looking for a Job I found that due to not having recognized certificates in much of the things, I had to search through many jobs in order to find something that would fit so to speak. So when I came across the description of this add it in a way echoed or outlined much of the points I was taking on with Desteni while at the farm, and so from this perspective I saw that the qualification point was a pretty good match. Although I had not deliberately “thought up” this job, but rather after consideration decided ok I will apply, I mean, I will investigate and see what it all entails. I had not interviews yet in place in my job search so at this point was simply looking at different options. Particularly placing each point within me from the perspective of how it support me within my process of doing what is best for all, what is the skill development, timeline, where will it support what I do with desteni, and things like this. So this had been an interesting process as well to look at and consider each job from this perspective and now here take the opportunity to apply the equality equation as I consider each job, and what the eventual outflow of If I were to take on a particular job would be. So I applied and soon after had a reply back for an interview which I set up for today. I was a bit nervous about the point, due to “not being absolutely certain that I made the right choice” where points like “what if this is not the right thing” were coming up, or “what if I based this decision in self interest” etc.  So as I drove out to the meeting this morning I experienced an offness inside of me. Like “this is not going to work” I could see that many of these points were based on perceptions I had formed within my own mind of “what was going on there” and not actually based on actually real participation with the people there and/or seeing what exactly it entails. I applied self forgiveness on this point as I drove and simply utilized the breath as a point to keep me here instead of going into the experience of anxiety in my stomach, or up into my mind, thinking about all the things, it could be, or might lead to, or may not be. It was interesting because even when I arrived I experienced a doubt inside of me like “this is not going to work” One of my main concerns was that the people would be “totally mind fucked” or Hard Core Christians or something like this and that I would be like a virus in a way, and just cause a bunch of friction. So I simply had to walk through the nervousness that I was feeling and just go to the interview and basically not trust what I was experiencing towards the whole situation at this point because I had not actually really investigated what it all entailed and much of what i experienced was based on only 1 or 2 email exchanges and a fuck load of picture, ideas and concepts I had coming up in my mind. So I arrived there and was waiting for the person that was going to interview me to come by and give me a tour. It was quite cool to see the horses in the field as I drove in to park. Meanwhile points coming up like “this is crazy” “this is not going to work” basically because this job actually entail me to leave the city and actually live out on the farm so that I was “on-call” in a way. I mean this point in itself is actually pretty cool. I remember when I first came back into the city I was considering finding a place that was not directly in the city but ended up here where I am now living in the suburbs of the city of Calgary. From a certain perspective I see a point within me where I have accepted that “I am supposed to be in the city” and that if I go out to this Farm that “I am hiding” this was another point within the overall experience I was having of anxiety, where I was here in also believing that if I am not living in the “heart of it all”, like right in the city, that I am not really taking on the system so to speak and was actually trying to hide from myself. So will have to look at this point in common sense to see what the fuck is actually going on here in this point – where it is valid and where not. I can see the point of polarity here where I have defined the point within “either one or the other” like attempting to find the answer in the extremes instead of placing myself as the point that really matters. As I waited for the interview to begin, these two little dogs came towards me, I was in a way expecting them to start barking at me, but to my surprise they were very welcoming . I was still experiencing here that point of “feeling of place” because I was “not a cowboy” and had defined and created an idea/perception of who these people are or might be, and within this how they would view me based on my appearance. I see here the point of actually fearing a reaction where I had created in my mind the point where they would in a way “laugh at me” or “think less of me” or “diminish me”. When I finally met the girl that was doing the interview, I think we both in that moment were both facing our own preconceived image we had created in our mind about who each other is, and were busy now, trying to “get a gage” on who each other really is. In considering a job like this, I sure both of us are looking at “can I actually work with this person” Let me get into the job here more specifically about what it entailed which I learned through the Interview. The point was that I would initially start “part-time” where I would be getting trained to handle the responsibilities of the stable. Actually what I learned they were looking for is someone to eventually take over after 5 or 6 months when the initial manager there would be leaving where then I would take over as being the primary point there to care and look after ‘allot’ of horses, like she said there was something like 60 horses there at the moment, so shit, allot of horses. Where I would be responsible for making sure there basics were taken care of food, water, health etc…as well as tending to the basic maintenance of the farm. So I have before me quite a decision to make. From my perspective I am now seeing this point as a minimum of 2 years as a point which I would take on in my process. Could even go as long as 4 years. So this is quite a point here before me to now require to decide if this will support me in my process of doing what is best for all. What they do on the farm is breed and raise hunter/jumper horses, as well as board horses for others, so mentioned that there were horses being sold for like 100,000 dollars….that doesn’t sound right…anyways very very expensive.  Obviously here though that is irrelevant from the perspective of the animals are simply equal as life, and thus this be the foundation of how I go about caring for them. So basically this would be quite a responsibility I would be taking on. And will be an ‘investment’ of sorts “if I get the job” So there is a point of fear here in relation to making a decision like this, because this will play pretty influential role in the accumulation of myself so to speak. So in placing this within the equality equation I see that I would actually here have the opportunity to take on quite a responsibility which actually would be pretty cool. It will be allot of work, similar to how the functioning of things were on the Desteni Farm, where there was really no where to hide so to speak, but that one was always Here and ready to assist where ever required and it was no longer about, “wanting your space” and “wanting your time” so from this perspective the point is similar. The Location is about 20min from the city where I am not, so relatively  close but at the same time the Ranch is 200 acres. So after talking to the people there, they are simply looking for someone with common sense who is actually able to see that “ok” the horses require more food or water for example, apparently the person they have working th
ere now is not doing this very well. So it was cool to actually chat with the people there, and actually after/within chatting I began to experience myself more comfortable, and was like seeing the point inside of myself that I could actually do this, I could actually work there. I still experience points of resistance with regards to it being a somewhat new place and people, like fear that there is “some point that I have not considered” that will only reveal once I commit kind of thing. Fuck – Note to self: “look at the point of where I hide things from myself, and keep points hidden so that one moment they jump out when its too late, instead of revealing all the points to myself and considering everything from the get go, like a deliberate deception instead of actually acknowledging all points” I will find out Saturday. They have more interviews to conduct so will see how things unfold, either way this experience so far has opened up some interesting points with regards to considering points within me world which are of “actual value” and placing myself within a point where I will develop real points which will support what is best for all in time to come. Still here I am seeing the point of apprehension in relation to this investment of myself into this point where in the end It actually is not a point that is recognized by the system, so from this perspective will am still not taking on the system in this way. This is one of the points which create unsettledness so to speak, like, am I willing to do this and in the end not have any certificate from the system. I mean at this stage as it is I would not be able to consider doing education until for a least a year, but still this point of “system recognition” come into consideration within this point.

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Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010

Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing Out My Day – Oct 4th 2010

I worked today so I decided to get up at 7:30 instead of 8:00 so I had some extra time. I did experience myself as ‘more tired’ but got up and began my day. I arrived at work, which was actually someone’s house whom we were fixing a table that had been delivered there during their home re-modelling. This is actually quite interesting because at the moment I am working “very part time” meaning filling in for a friend who is out of the city, at this “high-end” furniture store, where I go in and put together the furniture to be displayed on the floor. I find this interesting because while in South Africa, I spent allot of time building furniture, so in a way I am actually a good fit for this Job. So see what comes out of it. So Anyways while I was helping with the fixing of this table today, there was this other guy there also who has a business called “furniture Medic” where he has clients around the city and basically he fixes furniture. It was pretty cool to see that this job actually exist, and so when I saw this guy doing this, I saw myself doing that as well, and see that as something that I actually would enjoy doing and would be a way to practically apply myself within the skills that I have. I mean, at the moment I am looking for various job potentials so just placing myself in the shoes of different occupations to see what that would entail and if it is something that I would like to pursue. Basically I saw this Furniture Medic thingy as pretty cool. Though still I am also seeing that something like that would take time and expertise to develop. But I am quite satisfied with this Job thus far. Though it is very temporary perhaps, will see what comes of it. Its also interesting from the perspective of money. Because this is an expensive store so lots of rich people coming in and buying furniture for thousands of dollars. Obviously the value of things is so fucking arbitrary, and not based on equality in any way what so ever. Like some of the stuff in the store is like 1000 dollars for a stool that you could get, in better quality from some farmer for 10 bucks. Its astonishing that we have gotten to the position where we are unable to see the value of things anymore and have bought into the current money system so deeply and are now blind to our actually practical physical reality. Its like everyone just “plays the game” and attempts to “build themselves up” by buying expensive things to “pad their status” or should I say buying expensive ‘couches’ to ‘cushion’ their status. So quite interesting to observe this point, and this money interaction taking place. Its like the point of money for many who come into the store is almost of “no importance” like they have this paper which they have allot of and just want to spend it, and not really considering the context of this world, or where that money actually come from because simply, they have it! I Dressed in black and grey today with nice black shoes so I fit in. So I took care to ‘present myself’ within the system. Black Jeans, Grey sweater, and black shoes, I matched the furniture! While I was at the this woman’s house who was remodelling she had this one massive painting and a few other contemporary pieces as well in her kitchen, interesting to see. In seeing this I considered the point of how people buy Art as a ‘statement’ of who they are and ‘what they are worth’ meaning it adds to their status, which is entirely based on money and nothing else. So for example they would not consider buying the work of an artist who sells their art cheap, no matter how skilled the work was, because it would ‘devalue’ their status from the perspective of making them ‘worth less’ (interesting worth less = worthless) So they rather buy something expensive so they retain their value, So from this perspective if you had two works exactly the same, they would buy the expensive one as to ensure their status remain “upper-class” I always get the urge to start marketing my work to these people, but just cant get myself to do it. Its tempting but I fear that I would eliminated another market by doing this, not that I really sell much work anyways. Sometimes I think that I have priced my work in no-mans-land like just can’t seem to find the right point with it. Speaking of which, when I was done work today and got home to check my e-mail, I had received a mail notifying me that I had Won a Draw and will receive a 25.00 gift certificate to an art supply shop here in town. I remember the thought that I had as I filled out that form a few weeks back – that I had good odds to win because if everyone felt as I did in that moment with regards to filling out the form to qualify for the gift certificate, nearly no one would do it, because I didn’t really feel like it, but I remember in that moment I simply pushed through the resistance and took the physical actions and filled out the form. And now won the prize. That’s cool. This whole art point is interesting. I experience the point as quite irrelevant at times. Today I placed one of my paintings in this frame that I had bought a while back and simply wanted to test to see what the painting looked like in it. As I did this, its like I have many thoughts of the complete irrelevancy of the ‘whole thing’ the whole thing being the art thing. Well obviously, this entire world is irrelevant. The functionality of society and social participation is irrelevant. What we spend our time doing here on earth, our daily actions day in and day out are irrelevant, yet people just go along with it, attempting to find some satisfaction, some joy, attempting to make it “worth while” mostly just accepting that this is how it is completely and simply signing on the dotted line to make the “best of it” But I have realized that it never goes anywhere. The mathematics do not accumulate to that which is best for all, do not accumulate to that which will stand for eternity. This is a simple equation and I will share this, what I have found and seen for myself unconditionally, because within now what I have seen, I actually experience myself as having some purpose, some substance to myself and my experience, that “it isn’t all a waste” and so if anyone who is reading this line, who is not considering the point of equality, within the context of an equal money system, and considering “what is best for all” in every moment, I suggest doing so, as within this you will see, that everything you do and have ever done, was/is actually nothing. And that you have simply just been and are trapped in meaningless cycles over and over and over never adding up and accumulating to anything. You will see that your entire participation within this world in irrelevant. And that what you have been doing the whole time is figuring out ‘cute’ ways to explain, and ‘joke’ away the reality of your actual existence which is meaningless, abusive, and suppressive. We have created an entire, language, way of communicating, and interacting with each which only hide and vial the truth of what is actually going on. Our entire communication/language/interaction is just one elaborate justification and excuse to simply trap ourselves again and again, into abusive patterns and behaviour of alcohol, drugs, hatred, anger, sexual abuse, inequality – An Absolute FUCK-UP. This life is a Waste of Time. Though from a certain perspective I cannot blame anyone or expect anyone to “see the point” as from where I am standing the foundation perse, is built out of that which has been shown and communicated to me from the perspective of I did not initially see how I was existing until it was pointed out to me. So once again people – THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO LIVE, IT IS POSSIBLE, A COMPLETE NEW WAY OF LIVING AND EXISTING FOR ALL AND EVERYONE, WHERE THE STARTING POINT OF OUR ACTIONS AND WORDS AND EXPRESSION IS BASED WTIHIN THE CONSIDERATION OF DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL, Meaning we see and understand that we are inseparable from everything that is here, and that we take responsibility for ALL that is here equally, as each one
take responsibility for themselves as one who take responsibility for ALL, thus ALL and Each Considering ALL and EACH in every way, this will end abuse, war, starvation, suffering, as we realize that those who stand before us is one and equal to ourselves and thus we ‘treat’ them as we ‘treat’ our self. Such a simple mathematical equation to End All Abuse. A world where we stand together, express together, walk together –Within A Common Principle, like a thread as an Understanding that extends through each and every point/being in existence, unifying ALL within this Principle, this Understanding of Who we are as Equals. This Thread, the foundation of Our New Way of Life. A Life that is Dignified, Where No one has to stand in Fear of Abuse, where we actually support each other in expression instead of judge each other. I can see nothing in this world that is worth keeping. I suggest Stand-Up for Equality, and a New Equal Money System, and World Equality System that is based in Equality thus ensure that all beings are respected equally, and that no one being is valued less or more than another, so that ALL can stand eye to eye as equals.

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Energy Monster

I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself from the perspective of trying to get others to listen to me.

The point I see is that who I am as the expression of myself is not really me, from the perspective that when I express myself, I am not expressing ‘myself’ from the starting point of expressing myself as “unconditional expression”  but rather, from the starting point of expressing myself, so that I get a response, meaning, that I want others to ‘respond’ in such a way that “they see me” or ‘acknowledge’ me in “a certain way”. Within this I am experiencing and seeing my self expression as, not being authentic.  Authentic from the perspective that I express myself, not in wanting to “get results” but from the starting point of me expressing me, with no desired outcome, realizing that I am simply sharing myself. And that I do not “require” to get anyone’s attention or approval, or to get a specific desired response out of them.

I am finding my expression very ‘unsatisfying’. This has been my experience of myself of late, which is actually cool. Why? Because I am seeing “who I am” in my expression, and this ‘seeing’ is becoming quite obvious, where before I did not see what I was doing, and where now, I am, in that I see in most of what I am expressing/speaking, is not really me.

What I mean in saying that this “is not really me” is that I see that this expression, that is not really me, which is revealing itself more and more, in moments where before I would not see it, is not really me because it is ‘so fake’. Instead of actually expressing myself, I automatically “go to” certain responses or phrases, or sayings, or words, that I believe will garner a certain, specific, response from those around me, instead of,  me actually expressing myself in self honesty, in saying what I really have to say, in where I express me without trying to get a certain reaction or response out of another.

So my expression is not really me – because in fact it is “to get a response” it is an act, a calculation, it is manipulation- to see if “I can get something” not actually, expressing myself,

and this is what I “call’ self expression.

As if “we as ourselves” do not actually ever speak, but have what we are going to say or possibly say, already all mapped out and programmed in, for every possible experience that may occur for the rest of our lives, so that when the moment arrives to communicate, we are not actually speaking as ourselves in the moment with “what is really here” but actually are speaking as an automatic  all-ready program, just pulling up files, that in fact has nothing to do with the moment but solely with attempting to get energy – this is how I have been experience myself in communication.

 

I have looked at why this is, and what I see is that this is related to energy creation. The words and phrases we have accepted as ourselves, and stored and compiled within ourselves for possible use, are those that have been observed by us, to get a specific response. Meaning, that it  generates “a specific kind of energy” that we have accepted and allowed,  ourselves to define and create as ourselves, thus – we are always looking for ways to GET this energy which essentially, is a means of survival, or self creation, as the more of the kinds of energies we get that we like, and have created ourselves as, the ‘MORE’ , “we are” so to speak, from an energy perspective– thus when ever a moment arrives to communicate with another, we ignore the moment completely, we disregard the moment, and instead of speaking within the moment as self presence,  we, instead of actually communicating as ourselves, deliberately go into “program –mode” and begin to pull out, and place  “common pre-programmed responses/ phrases” we have all-ready compiled within ourselves, to GET ENERY. Fuck communication, I want energy. I don’t care what you are really saying, I would rather just try and extract energy from this moment. We as humanity are ruthless and unrelenting in our wanting, wanting, wanting. I have observed this point within myself. That I don’t actually speak to beings, but in fact manipulate them and manipulate the moment to get more energy, to feel alive.

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