Up at 7:00 this morning, I find each morning I experience a disappointment that it is now morning time. Its like the first initial thought/experience that comes up like, ohh nooo, its morning…already. Anyways I never went into the point, I just got up. I did some writing this morning about my job because I noticed still that there was a fear that kept coming up inside me with regards to the job. So I waited today to hear if I would be getting the job or not, and found it a challenge to not go into those moments of wondering if I would or wouldn’t get the job, and how that would out-flow in my life. I never herd back from them so, who knows what the deal is. I experience actually a relief from this, like “I never really wanted the job anyways” It was a similar experience when I decided not to go to the states to do software, like point of relief. Though I see the point coming up here of it not really mattering where one is and that ones experience of self is determined by self and is not limited to where self is. But I did experience a relief today when I did not get the call back for the job. Mainly because this means that I can still work but, in a way will be able to retain a degree of flexibility for what to do in the future. So I applied for some construction type jobs today, joyfully might I add with much less resistance than a few days ago. I am much more stable within this point now of applying for a full-time job, and I am looking at the trades, like construction or renovation stuff as skills that I would like to become proficient in. So am applying for some jobs like this at the moment as well.
I would say I had a slow day, just reading and writing mostly. I went out to get groceries, much of my life has been like this recently like just very basic day to day stuff. My Friend just returned home now, I can here him upstairs talking. I just now had the urge to get up and close the door. The point of Keeping People Locked out of my world. I was looking at this point today of how I ‘react’ to people still and how in a way I have isolated myself in my room and away from people which has been somewhat easy to accommodate due to the fact that I basically have no more friends as I have stopped my participation in what those friendships represented, and so found/find it difficult to form new intimate relationships with others because I have not interest in participating in what is generally accepted as “normal conduct” So in this taking a bit of time to establish – friendships that is- I have much of my time has been with just me by myself, which has been cool, as I have found a certain stability of myself that I had not ever had before. So I am seeing that that is something to build on. Though my pattern in my life has been one of isolation and aloneness and I was quite satisfied with how things were going on the farm in South Africa because I was placed in a situation where there were many people around and within this I become much more accessible to people, where now I see myself as being more closed off in a way.
What else. I noticed I have a pimple on my forehead and I was like ‘shit’ because I have to go to help out in the furniture store tomorrow and there is this girl there that is my age, and I see the point of me wanting to be a perfect picture representation to this being. Quite a fuck up this, seeing here that the point of myself as actually walking and living as a Life is not yet in place and far from given that I still react to a pimple on my head, showing the nature of myself as my mind in how I have created myself as reactions, and thoughts, and experiences throughout my life. Still not yet at a stage of actually walking equal to life and equal to the physical where “a pimple” is not seen/experienced as a ‘detriment’ to self but actually a supportive point of the body actually releasing some shit.
Another point, I have noticed myself being quite filled with this energetic charge throughout my day. It is actually quite extensive. I experience it like an energetic current that runs through my entire body. Normally I would have went into chewing my nails as a way to ‘cope’ with this but now that I have stopped that, I am seeing that there is this energy current in my body quite a bit during my day, so like when I sit down to write or read or something, this current is like magnetizing my body. And I become fidgety. I see this at the moment of simply the outflow of all the thoughts and constructs, running, and turning, and interacting within me from the perspective of Our world is Our responsibility, in that if I am going to allow this stuff to exist as myself, than I will face it equal and one. There is not escaping. Thus there is this energetic current that has become annoying that just fills me up. Its like I have committed to stopping the actions which allow for the perpetuation and regeneration of these energies where in certain specific acts I would discharge specific energy related to specific constructs. Now within stopping the actions, I find that I must also along with this stop the accumulation of this energy through actually effectively stopping thoughts and experiences inside of me, otherwise the energy just build up in my body and I become electrified and fidgety.
I am going to sleep now,