Tag Archives: writing self to freedom

SRA – "Structural Resonance Alignment" Experiences and Applications

So today I have been facing the point of family as well as the point of money. The family point is ‘new’ from the perspective of some of my relatives “coming out of the woodwork” to start to comment on some of the videos I share on my facebook page.
I thought that eventually I would face this point, and so this is the first time this has come up with my relatives posting on my profile.
One cool point is that it pushed me in a way to get specific with myself from the perspective of looking at self from the perspective of “what is it I am actually doing”
So Here, like taking ‘Desteni’, and “my participation” and “my life” and really, “much stuff” into consideration in terms of looking at “what exactly is going on” and establish for myself more clarity and resolve within myself in terms of not accepting points of “not knowing exactly what I am doing” do basically, pushing me to really consider ‘things’ to as mentioned establish a stability and resolve of self.
I mean it has taken some time for me to realize that I am walking this process. And even within this still experience a point of “dis-belief” that I am doing this. I see this in relation to not yet have established a clear and stable starting point of Self as the starting point, within walking this process. But am still trying to walk a process, instead of simply investigating self in a way.
I did some SRA stuff tonight which has been quite cool. I still have to push myself to do this point, as each time there is resistance.
I have started to really slow myself down while doing SRA, particularly Muscle Communication. Tonight was cool, one point I have started doing more frequently is “writing about my experience” as I walk through the lessons of doing Muscle Communication, to assist and support me to clear myself of all of the anxieties and uncertainties and doubts I have within doing MC (Muscle Communication) and start to write them out in front of me on paper. So my MC (Muscle Communication) Sessions are not just doing MC but is becoming a process of me slowing myself down, investigating self which is quite cool.
I used to experience this point while painting and doing art work, in a way where I would actually “investigate myself” and just explore and write about what I see, and test things out, and really look within myself at the experience of self. And so this “in a way” is what MC has started to emerge as for me.
I have had to really stop me and bring myself HERE. As I have found if I am not Here, and aware of self in the moment, then the MC will be useless so to speak, so have been “setting time aside” so to speak, because I know/expect that when I go into a MC session that I am going to allow myself to take my time. So have been taking on this point of writing while doing MC, and supporting me to see the anxieties and to see self and the experience of me in relation to MC as I apply myself within it.

So have enjoyed of late the Self investigative aspect of doing MC.

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Remaining Silent Caused Harm to Horse – Daily Writing – Nov 5 2010

Ok, writing out my day Here.

An interesting experience happened at work today. This morning as we turned the horses out to their stables I was walking this one horse through this section where there was a cord which the horse and I required to walk over on the way to the stable.

 

I noticed the cord the day before and saw that it was definitely a hazard which would cause problems if a horse where to get tangled in it.

 

It simply was a basic point which was not being directed which create an unsafe environment for the animals.

 

I mean they are quite relaxed on the farm with regards to the care of the horse which is cool in one respect though this also turn into a form a abuse where points within the environment are being neglected. So a point for myself here to see the difference between “being relaxed” and “neglecting ones surroundings” and simply to not accept and allow a merging of the two points where “being relaxed” actually become overlooked for what it is really standing as. Meaning when this turns into a form of neglect must be stopped and not accepted or allowed. Clarity and Specificity are required Here. And are required within this world to actually push ourselves to move towards a more effective human.

 

Anyways I saw this “cord point” but did not fix it as we were busy with other things, as well as the fact that “ I am new” and have no right to say what I think should be done (self defined belief). Now what I mean by this, is I noticed this point coming up within myself quite a bit where because I am simply learning how everything thing works their, that I can simply not assume that things should be this way or that if I do not have the entire picture. But have noticed many points coming up within regards to points within the environment which are simply not being considered from the perspective of actually creating a safe environment for the animals. Yes the animals are smart and are capable of looking out from themselves, however one of these points which I in a way “allowed within the environment under the idea that I am “still new and is better to not suggest or say anything”  actually today caused quite a disturbance.

 

As I walked the horse through the area where the cord was, only seconds before I attempted to adjust the cord temporarily so that it would not get hooked up with the horse…as I walked the horse over the cord, sure enough his foot caught the edge of the cord and spooked the horse a bit, then the cord got even more hooked up in the legs of the horse and he totally freaked, and reared up, and then proceeded to drag me around 6 or 8 feet as I simply slid across the gravel on my shoes attempted to stabilize the horse, after a few moments of frantic flailing about the horse settled down, breathing heavily through his nose afterwards he walked with me to his stable and I let him in. This could have been avoided and basically by allowing this cord point I also tacitly allowed and supported this experience that the horse when through, not actually considering the implications that this have on the horse, other possible outflows/consequences of such neglect

 

So this was an interesting point because here was a practical point which I saw in the environment which is “not cool” for the horses, yet I let it slide, I did not take responsibility for the point but rather, allowed the responsibility to be abdicated to “those in charge” like a kind of “this is their stable, who am I to tell them how to go about it” And the result was a completely unnecessary experience which could have actually injured myself or the horse.

 

This event illustrating still How I am simply allowing the current system in place to be the dominant system and am not yet standing up as an authority and taking responsibility for what is here.

 

So here I see that I am still holding back in actually expressing points and taking responsibility for points which I see, and simply standing by the fact that it is not acceptable anymore within this reality to allow such points.

 

Abuse has become so accepted in our world that we do not even realize anymore that we are abusing. And so I see this point as well, where its not a matter of who is right or wrong, and I to judge is unacceptable from the perspective of seeing many points that must be directed – I mean a few years ago I would not have even noticed and actually this kind of consideration had to be pointed out to me also, so understand how these points can simply not be seen as “important” by beings in this world.

 

So a re-education process is required.

 

So the environment is quite cool actually to be able to express myself within practically directing myself to create a safe, stable environment for the Animals. But just wanted to write about that one point which occurred today.

 

So I have had many of these experiences so far of really at this point, allowing myself to be shown how they do things, even if it is not necessarily how I would do it from the perspective of ensuring the point is directed absolute, but I will compromise myself within these moments and “let it slide” because that’s what they do, and I mean who am I to change things.

 

This is exactly the point I was writing about a few posts ago about accepting and status quo and just going with what is the established way of doing things, and in a way being to afraid to actually challenge the status quo out of fear of causing friction.

 

I mean overall the place is pretty cool, it is simply just in some moments there are points not being considered which I can see, so its cool, I simply have the opportunity to bring these points into awareness just the same as they were done for me.

 

But obviously not to wait on this because today’s experience with the horse showed me that these points that I am seeing are in fact valid.

 

So from this perspective “give to another what I would want to receive”

And explore the point of equality and how I can bring this point to the table so to speak in way which is not being considered.

 

It will be a long process because fuck, these horses are in small little pens with no grass, some are in nice big field but also some small pens

 

I wouldn’t want to live in those pens.

 

Pretty Cool though to see how an equal money system will actually free the animals so to speak, where the conditions where animals lived will no longer be based on making money so will not have to be subjected to these bull shit conditions of enslavement imposed upon them from an ignorant inconsiderate humanity, that see animals as for there own personal gains, not as equals to be treated as such and be free in the exact same way as humans.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to this system of abuse that is currently here have president and authority simply because it is here.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to actually stand up for life and what is best for all and actually start to walk this process within my immediate environment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support this current system of abuse and self interest instead of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up and saying something out of fear of friction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be met with resistance and not then know what to say.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back in speaking out of fear of being yelled at or argued with where in my point will not be herd and I will end up feeling embarrassed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to be my god, my authority, and that which I use to direct the choices and decisions I make and words I speak and do not speak.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply merge into what is here as this current system instead of actually standing up and not more accepting and allowing myself to “go along with it” because I do not want to “disrupt or upset” someones world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider other peoples worlds from the perspective of not wanting to cause ripples in other peoples perfect worlds, even if those worlds are not what is best for all. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to support self interest instead of what is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply go along with this world, out of fear of setting off other peoples egos.

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Fear to Move Out Of Sub-Par Existence – October 29th/2010

A point that I have observed in myself which has come up in relation to my job, is the point of accepting my own limitation by not pushing myself while I am around others, because I don’t want to trigger the point of jealousy in the other, and so instead I dum myself down, and essentially limit myself, and actually  simply allow those around me to dictate how I live my life.

 

I noticed this come up at work with regards to points around workplace that I see can be “fixed-up” and organized but have noticed I hold myself back from pointing these things, out or really taking these points on because I get the sense that it is “out of” the accepted way of doing things, and I realized that I actually compromised myself and am compromising myself  through not actually realizing that it is OK to to actually push myself and push others to become more specific and more directive in their worlds, and actually push myself here also to become more specific and directive in my world.

 

Its like in this one particular moment, I held back in directing myself to immediately take on a point that I saw because I didn’t want to be seen as doing something out of the accepted way of doing things. Specifically I did not want to “diminish” the other being in my presence. Its the point of jealousy, I noticed in a few instances, I held back actually fucking directing myself and directing a point because I do not want to trigger that point of jealousy reaction in other, where in they go into a form of reaction out of jealousy with regards to how I direct or apply myself.

 

Fuck, what I realized in this moment was that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself. And realized that this is/was actually how we ended up in this mess. Because we did not want to cause any friction. We did not want to stand up and act in a way that actually pushed people a little bit.

 

Its like I did not want them to say “don’t do that” and then come up with some excuse or reason why I “should not do that” or how “thats not the way things are done here” .

 

And what I see is that if I accept and allow this, I am actually accepting and allowing “this current system, and this current world” to dominate me. In other words, I am tacitly stating that I am actually in support of this current system, because I simply just allow it to have precedent over that which I have developed within myself as for example self will, and self determination.

 

I seen within this how so many squander within this world. Because Sub-Par is the accepted way things are. Everybody fights for Sub-Par. Even those that are effective fight for Sub-Par because this way they seem superior and dominant.  And I realized how in that moment, the “sub-par” remain the standard in this world. Because so many, as I did in that moment, accepted the “sub-par” as the dominating factor, and was unwilling stand in that moment, and actually stand-up and push and challenge myself, and within this actually push and challenge others as well.

 

In a way its easier to live in an unnoticed way

Its easier to never push to hard, as to not make people feel like there not doing enough.

Its like the point of supporting laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing myself as this might cause others to resist me and have friction towards me, and within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  to let my fear of other people influence me to not stand up and do anything about this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within that which I have developed within myself as my application and discipline within walking, living, and applying myself in this world because I don’t want to make people feel bad, and react towards me for feeling bad.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear people being jealous of me, because within this they may not enjoy me being around, because I push and move them out of there comfort bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an observer in this world, never actually pushing myself to stand up within this world because in doing this it would cause to much friction in other peoples worlds, and there-in, I simply accept the sub-par as how things are, and be sure to remain under or on this line of “sub – par” as to not cause any reaction in another where they might observe within themselves something that requires a correction, and in this may become fearful or not wanting to give up who they are, and thus , lash out on me.

 

I forgive myself for not allowing myself  to push myself in the work place to be absolutely effective within my direction and actually look at the point from the perspective of a permanent solution.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply just do the bare minimum, instead of pushing and willing myself here to become effective within my application, in particular my practical application.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold back within expressing myself within absolute clarity in communication as to not upset someone, and within this not fully honouring myself within creating my world the way I want, where I push myself and my world to the utmost specificity, because I see that this is a point I would like for myself, and thus allow me to give to myself as I see the ‘benefit’ this have on a being

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The Burden of Money – Exploring Emotional Reaction Point – Oct 18th/10

Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room.

One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture.

I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow.  That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!…Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps.

Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked.

The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction.

I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this.

I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool.

I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school.

I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another

She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection.

How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective.

I am going to stop there for tonight.

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The Gift of Responsibility – Oct 17/10

A Clarification/Self Correction with Regards to Self Responsibility.

 

I have realized a point with regards to Self Responsibility where I have seen within myself and my world where I was accepting and allowing a point of limitation. This revealed as I was busy searching for a job. As I would go through each listing, and explore different possibilities, I noticed that some jobs in particular “called-for” a certain degree of Responsibility and commitment of the individual. When applying for jobs of this nature, I ‘observed’ the point of where I would think to myself that if I were to do that job, I would really be taking on a point of responsibility and in that I would be able to develop myself within this point of responsibility. What I noticed though was that in doing this I was actually accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the point of self responsibility that exist Here in every moment, from the perspective of believing that I must first have a job which demanded commitment and responsibility before I was apply to be responsible or committed. I had abdicated this point of self responsibility and commitment from myself Here, to a point “out there”, as a job, which if I had, would then require me to be responsible and committed. I have realized within this that I was limiting myself from the perspective of not considering the point of actually taking on responsibility and commitment HERE as Myself in each and every moment, and not “wait” in order to this, in by first having a certain job that allowed me to be responsible and committed. I had abdicated and separated myself from “my power” as myself HERE in the moment. Not allowing myself to Walk Absolute Self Responsibility and Commitment Here as myself in every moment. I do not have to wait for job to do this. Thus within this realization I correct myself in by seeing and realizing that the point of self responsibility is able to walked HERE in each and every moment as myself. No more waiting, so to speak. But rather I direct myself HERE within my world in this point of responsibility that I observed and seen within certain specific jobs. I realize that I do not require a job first to be responsible, and walk dedication, commitment, and self responsibility, but that this is something that Self Must Walk in every moment and every breath. Thus Self Responsibility is Here as Myself and I no longer accept and allow myself to limit myself within the believe that I am not able to develop the point of self responsibility from where I stand in this moment. I give me back my power, and as I see that in waiting, I am only coming up with excuses and justifications as to why or how my current situation is not good enough, or does not have the right aspects to be able to develop me in the way that I want. I no longer accept and allow this abdication of myself as self responsibility and self commitment. I see that I was only limiting myself within my expression and application of self and thus Stand Corrected Here as myself, and apply myself within the ‘absolute’ point of self responsibility and self commitment that I had perceived to be out there somewhere. Thus, this gives new ‘meaning’ so to speak. To getting up in the morning. And no more accepting and allowing myself to exist within a point of not standing up within my world, in every moment of my world as self responsibility, commitment, and dedication, no matter where I am, no matter what I am doing, no matter if I am at a job or not, as I see that in not doing this is now only an excuse within self ignorance as I see the point of being able to stand as absolute Self Responsibility HERE in every moment. Self Responsibility is the Gift I give to myself as I will myself to Direct myself within my world as the absolute point of self responsibility and no longer separate me from this possibility, from this Responsibility. And no longer accept and allow the limitation of believing that the “greater responsibility” lies “out-there” somewhere. It is Here as Myself , though it is required to be walked, embraced, and lived as myself where I bring this realization into and as myself as a living application of Self.

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Writing out my Day – Excess Energy – October 16

Up at 7:00 this morning, I find each morning I experience a disappointment that it is now morning time. Its like the first initial thought/experience that comes up like, ohh nooo, its morning…already. Anyways I never went into the point, I just got up. I did some writing this morning about my job because I noticed still that there was a fear that kept coming up inside me with regards to the job. So I waited today to hear if I would be getting the job or not, and found it a challenge to not go into those moments of wondering if I would or wouldn’t get the job, and how that would out-flow in my life. I never herd back from them so, who knows what the deal is. I experience actually a relief from this, like “I never really wanted the job anyways” It was a similar experience when I decided not to go to the states to do software, like  point of relief. Though I see the point coming up here of it not really mattering where one is and that ones experience of self is determined by self and is not limited to where self is. But I did experience a relief today when I did not get the call back for the job. Mainly because this means that I can still work but, in a way will be able to retain a degree of flexibility for what to do in the future. So I applied for some construction type jobs today, joyfully might I add with much less resistance than a few days ago. I am much more stable within this point now of applying for a full-time job, and I am looking at the trades, like construction or renovation stuff as skills that I would like to become proficient in. So am applying for some jobs like this at the moment as well.

I would say I had a slow day, just reading and writing mostly. I went out to get groceries, much of my life has been like this recently like just very basic day to day stuff. My Friend just returned home now, I can here him upstairs talking. I just now had the urge to get up and close the door. The point of Keeping People Locked out of my world. I was looking at this point today of how I ‘react’ to people still and how in a way I have isolated myself in my room and away from people which has been somewhat easy to accommodate due to the fact that I basically have no more friends as I have stopped my participation in what those friendships represented, and so found/find it difficult to form new intimate relationships with others because I have not interest in participating in what is generally accepted as “normal conduct” So in this taking a bit of time to establish – friendships that is- I have much of my time has been with just me by myself, which has been cool, as I have found a certain stability of myself that I had not ever had before. So I am seeing that that is something to build on. Though my pattern in my life has been one of isolation and aloneness and I was quite satisfied with how things were going on the farm in South Africa because I was placed in a situation where there were many people around and within this I become much more accessible to people, where now I see myself as being more closed off in a way.

What else. I noticed I have a pimple on my forehead and I was like ‘shit’ because I have to go to help out in the furniture store tomorrow and there is this girl there that is my age, and I see the point of me wanting to be a perfect picture representation to this being. Quite a fuck up this, seeing here that the point of myself as actually walking and living as a Life is not yet in place and far from given that I still react to a pimple on my head, showing the nature of myself as my mind in how I have created myself as reactions, and thoughts, and experiences throughout my life. Still not yet at a stage of actually walking equal to life and equal to the physical where “a pimple” is not seen/experienced as a ‘detriment’ to self but actually a supportive point of the body actually releasing some shit.

Another point, I have noticed myself being quite filled with this energetic charge throughout my day. It is actually quite extensive. I experience it like an energetic current that runs through my entire body. Normally I would have went into chewing my nails as a way to ‘cope’ with this but now that I have stopped that, I am seeing that there is this energy current in my body quite a bit during my day, so like when I sit down to write or read or something, this current is like magnetizing my body. And I become fidgety. I see this at the moment of simply the outflow of all the thoughts and constructs, running, and turning, and interacting within me from the perspective of Our world is Our responsibility, in that if I am going to allow this stuff to exist as myself, than I will face it equal and one. There is not escaping. Thus there is this energetic current that has become annoying  that just fills me up. Its like I have committed to stopping the actions which allow for the perpetuation and regeneration of these energies where in certain specific acts I would discharge specific energy related to specific constructs. Now within stopping the actions, I find that I must also along with this stop the accumulation of this energy through actually effectively stopping thoughts and experiences inside of me, otherwise the energy just build up in my body and I become electrified and fidgety.

I am going to sleep now,

Goodnight.

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Daily Writing – Oct 14 – Where is My Stablity

Where is my Stability. Over the last week I have experienced myself as anything but stable. Existing in fears, worries, concerns, judgements, self judgements, wonder, speculating, projecting, wanting, desiring, hoping, helpless, scattered, basically, I was just not stable. It was as if I was not able to “ground myself” and end up getting carried away in what ever it was I was doing.

The Solution which comes up in relation to this point is Breath. Breathing and focusing on Breath as a stability point to support me in coming back to earth. I experienced myself at times as if I was slipping, and or scurrying to keep up with those that were ahead of me up on the mountain top, and I simply was sliding way down the mountain side frantically attempting to get a grip somewhere and grasp onto something to be able to just keep up.

I found that I simply was unable to calm myself down, to keep myself stable and would end up going into these energetic experiences as well as experiences as if I was speaking about specific things and even though the words were coming out of me it was as if they weren’t grounded in anything. Like I simply could not get to the bottom of myself. A point of Stopping.

So why is it that I have not yet been able to establish a foundation for myself and an application of self that will actually stand stable no matter what happens in my world, so that I do not get carried away. It would be a cool point to do an SRA session on this point to look at the priority point of fear which is causing or the core point at the moment as to why I have been not able to earth myself or ground myself here in every moment where in I am silent with myself. There was much going on within my mind with regards to work and how things were/are going to unfold. Though the point I am looking at here in this moment is establishing myself as Here, so that no matter what happen, no matter what occur I am Here, I am stable, I am Here as myself and can simply direct myself in common sense, instead of getting caught up in knowledge and information, and fear, and thoughts and pictures etc. So I am going to explore this point of breath, and of simplicity. Because I see that I really require to find a stability point within myself, one where I do not go into comparison, into wants, into needs, etc, a point which will support me in earthing myself and remaining here as Breath.

I was reading Viktors blog and he mentioned a point about the earth “not having a judgement about a particular decision that one make” the earth is simply here. And also in discussions with Marlen where she was mentioning the point about establishing oneself in the moment, in each and every moment, where ones application is here in the moment. What I see within what she was saying was that the solution so to speak, is always here, is always available, and that that solution, that stability, and ability for one to remain here in common sense clarity of self in simplicity is Here where one focus on what is here in the moment and not go into projections as such and that who one is is their starting point in every moment, so to simply look at this, and trust oneself within this. I mean I have watched countless videos and heard many times the point of ones ‘power’ being in ones breath, in the moment. I mean I noticed that I attempt to create systems and structures to attempt to stabilize myself and have not yet gotten to the point of actually establishing myself within the breath as an actual real support point where I can actually stand stable.

I was forced into a kind of silence today. I simply crashed. After I woke up I had a headache and so decided to sleep it off, after 3 hours of sleep, I woke up and proceeded to work, but the headache was still there, so Laid back down, it was quite uncomfortable, after another hour or two I got up and the headache had released, I was grateful and experienced myself simply within a silence, I had in a way just stopped. Just gave-up on trying to “get everything done” So that was cool to experience myself as silent and stable for a moment where I had stopped. A cool reference point.

So the question that came up was, How do I remain here in and as this silence, where I am actually here and present in that which I am doing, and not caught up in my mind where in I am really only half here, and simply am unable to slow myself down to a silence to actually be effective with what I am doing and how I am applying myself. I mean I was ready to carry on, to just keep trying to plough ahead, and not realizing to the extent that I was completely lost in an energetic experience of a kind of frantic, survival application and just not able to slow myself down.

I see this point being related to money. Where a fear emerge within me and take me over and direct me, even so that I am not able to anymore make a practical decision. Its like I just lock myself into this fear, it is quite extensive. So simply forgive myself for the point. I am here now so I can start again.

I also experienced allot of comparison towards others, and judgements towards myself like I was not doing good enough, so here too also is another kind of survival lock-in mode. So the point here is to stop. So I am grateful for the headache from the perspective that it ‘forced’ to just f-ing stop. My body assisting me here. So now to reconsider why and how it was that I was so easily carried away. It was like a striving and pushing just took me over, there was no real slowing down, but rather day by day a kind of ‘getting lost’ and just attempting to grasp onto some point that is stable. Ok so the Breath, why the Breath, Because the breath is simple. The breath is simplicity, and so there is no attempting to become something or achieve something, or wanting or yearning, or speculation. It is just breath, a physical breathing in and out. There is no right or wrong in breath, there is just breath.

Within this point also I see the point of “The Physical” where again, there is no judgement within the physical. It is simply Here, and I am here too as the physical as my physical body, though I have created an idea about myself as “being something” other than this, when if I look from the perspective of the physical, I am equal to it and to all others as the physical as we are all physical bodies here as an extension of the earth and this universe as a physical existence.

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