Tag Archives: truth

My Application at the Moment

I have not been consistent with my blogs and vlogs of late. Or much else for that matter, though my mind has been consistent and has been consistent since starting process with desteni. There has been allot of resistance coming up lately. Where I just stop applying myself and literally do nothing. Just existing in observer mode, scanning around on my computer instead of directing self. And in my world doing just the minimum to keep things alive from the perspective of making sure bills are paid. So this has been my application recently. I can call it giving up on myself or something like that but that’s just “cream puffing” it. Or more specifically Manipulation. Saying I have given up on myself is like the whole “underdog thing” who suddenly rises from the ashes or out of the burning building when everyone thought he was finished. That’s one way how I attempt to perceive myself. Its a form of Hope, that I keep inside me. A Hope that I will actually become that which I perceive myself to be within my mind, within my imaginary reality, hoping that this reality is real, because in this reality, this imaginary reality, something ‘great’ happens, There is a happy ending. But this has not yet happened in my real reality. But it is interesting to see this point of waiting for or holding out hope that “something great will finally happen” like it has to, it just has to. Oh how magical. And in some way, holding onto this hope is one of the reasons I keep applying myself. But I see it as a delusion and that until I can let go of this delusion, I will never actually “get anywhere” in real practical reality.

I mean I always saw myself as so much more than I am at the moment, so much more capable, so much more profound. Its like I sit here within my world and look at the potential inside myself and just look at it, but it rarely seems to translate into this reality. At the moment I have quite a ‘knot’ in my neck on the left side. (Maybe from Knot applying myself) This is a reoccurring pain which runs up the left side of my neck, through my jaw, along behind my ear and up to my temple. I slept 11 hours today. That’s the second time I have done that since getting back from the farm loooooong time ago now, 10 months or so. I just slept and laid in bed, knowing I should get out but not. Just laying there. Last night I was very tired at around 10:30 which is rare, though I just went to bed and fell asleep and woke up and was tired. I have been tired allot lately. Probably because I have been in this application of living/existing in my mind. So have noticed myself more tired and more heavy. And so its so much easier to lay in bed from a certain perspective, I mean its not that its easier its more like, I just lay there. Knowing I am in my mind, but not caring. So it is a form of giving in, and allowing the mind. Like tired of fighting the mind, god the mind is relentless. This process is not all roses. Fuck I have been doing this for 4 years now.

So I have not been blogging allot lately or vlogging because I have really only had ‘this’ to report what I am writing now. This is what is actually going on with me at the moment. So there are moments like this in process. I have walked through a few. Like depression and things like that though I don’t like using the word depression as I feel it does not accurately describe my actual experience.

Today I was doing my SRA chat, and Leila mentioned the point of Art, Leila always brings this point up. In terms of art I have been noticing this point of anger and spite and rage within me towards the point, like for example when I see or here of artists selling their work or anything to do with art which is connected to making money. So I have been noticing this point of anger in me here in relation to this point which shows me that it is still a point that requires direction one way or another as I apparently gave this point some direction but really just “left it hanging” I don’t do much drawing or art at the moment, in the last 2 months I have been making these designs for a lady which I decided to “try out” to get an idea of how this entire process worked from the perspective of doing graphic design as a way to make money. I feel like the lady is really taking me for a fucking ride, though this is obviously just me. I charged 250.00 for the entire project and I said within myself that I would “not do it for the money” from the perspective of I required the experience to see how this worked. Anyways I just keep quiet as this lady gives me all these specifics of what she would like and I simply get it done. I have probably spend around 80 hours on the project so far so making a grand total of about $4.00 per hour and the project has likely another 10 hours to go, though I am getting some experience and examples of “my style” in graphic design to use to promote myself in this field. This is also my first time really getting into the illustrator program which I think is really really cool. I decided I would do this. I decided I would start making logos for people as this seemed like a good idea, but have not yet gotten this point launched. It seems practical when looking at it though could not come up with a name for the company which was a problem because well, the whole idea is that I come up with cool Logos for people yet I could not even come up with one for me so I really got stuck on this point. I have a name now which I am going to use. Though if I keep going in the same direction I am at the moment this will actually not get any movement and will never happen. That is clear. Ok there it is my glorious application for all to see, not the pretty picture roses version but the actual version.

It does get tiring trying to Lift myself up all the time. Because that’s what I feel like allot of the time, like I am constantly just trying to lift myself up off the ground and sometimes I wonder if there is a different way. Meaning does it have to be like this where I am just always trying to, or am constantly lifting myself up off the ground or floor and getting myself up and then crash back down again. Then Ok, life (oops typo – though it is lifeing myself up as I breathe some life into me and stand up) I meant lift myself up again and then crash. Like a baby learning to walk, only it is a “mental experience” the crash happen within the mind, and ‘I’ go crashing with it. So I could go now and write about how I am going to stand and do this and do that and try and put a positive spin on things but I don’t see the point at the moment to try and “give hope” or paint a pretty picture of process. Like in the end trying to put a “positive spin on things” because that is irrelevant, either one stand or one don’t and to stand one must face all there is to face to Stand.

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Fearing/Judging the Truth of Self.

So Gian left a comment on one of the blog posts I made in regards to Self Discipline, where he mentioned the point of Breath and how he directs himself in Breath.
I went immediately into a point of Self Judgment towards myself in how I am directing myself in this process. Particularly in relation to thoughts and the amount of thoughts and backchat and pictures that come up inside of me within my world and how if I were to actually write about everything that comes up I would literally be writing non-stop as the amount of thoughts that “I allow” is extensive compared to not allowing any at all.
So I looked at the point of Gian being young and how others who are younger have less thoughts as they have less manifested systems and constructs inside of them where they are not as ‘integrated’ as their Mind Consciousness System as people that are 10 years older than them.
So I went into immediate Self Judgment and remembered how when I was at the farm that I had more of a ‘Guard’ up and was more active in stopping my thoughts. And now since being back here in Canada I can allow much more mind shit because I do not have to face anyone as where when I was on the farm I had to face myself daily from the perspective of participating with those who were actively stopping their thoughts, or even coming face to face with the the portal or dimensions or who ever was in the body and in that having the truth of self reflected back to self from the perspective of knowing that “nothing was hidden” and thus having to stand face to face with another being and have them see into you and what kind of mind shit you were allowing. So in this I was much more strict with myself in terms of not allowing mind stuff. Though since being in Canada I have let-up on this because I am more alone, and can just allow certain thoughts and not have to “fear of facing myself” Because that is also the point I recognized while I was on the farm is that one of the main reasons I “stopped thoughts” and was more disciplined in “not allowing” mind stuff, was because I was ashamed of the stuff that existed inside of me and so rather I stopped my mind from the starting point of fear, which I realized would not stand the test of time, and eventually I would have to stop my mind from the starting point of self.
So from this perspective I see that I still do not share stuff about my life my experience as I am ashamed of it, and ashamed of myself and essentially judging myself for who I have become.
This point revealed over the last few weeks as I started communicating a bit more to my mom and dad about what I was doing with desteni, and basically they have access to all of everything I post on Facebook. I saw that because of this I started to edit or change what I posted in my blogs in consideration to them. This is a complete fuck up and is a cool point actually in seeing how the family structure completely and absolutely fuck with human beings and keep them locked into their ‘pre-programmed’ personalities. In some of the e-mails my mom started to write she would say stuff like I am not thinking clearly and if I needed time to come home and ‘cleanse’ in way and “sort my stuff out” that I could. So basically here this is the point of my mother thinking that there is something wrong with me. So I noticed that in some of the stuff I would share in my blog posts I would share about experiences that I was having within myself and how I see myself and basically just sharing myself as we have been doing in the desteni process since the beginning. My mom interpreted this as “me having problems” And from a certain perspective this is what I also interpreted it as because I could see then that I would not want to share a point because I would be wanting to avoid my mom seeing what I was writing as me having some kind of problem and so I would not share certain things. Not looking at my reaction to this I see that I am still judging myself for who I am, and what I share. And also still caring what my mother things, and what my family thinks. Instead of me finding that point of trust within myself to be able share any point of myself and not judge myself or define myself within a point of self judgment. But actually I share myself unconditionally without judging myself.
So I see that I started to edit my blog posts on facebook because of “what if my parents see it” But this is actually cool that I see this now because I see that this is not a point that I am willing to accept and allow as myself and within this seeing this see that this is actually me standing up as myself and not accepting and allowing myself to be defined by and through ‘family’.
Where in I see that I will not accept and allow myself to limit myself and or exist within this “family construct” any longer.
So this is simply another stage if you will of facing myself and facing my family. Where now they have became a little more active and thus I am facing the point of now being able to still express me openly and unconditionally as who I really am, regardless of what they may think or perceive and particularly seeing how I actually was/am still existing within the personality of myself as Andrew as who I defined myself to be through my family as how I existed in relation to my family. And who they perceived me as and believed me to be. And so see that in ‘editing’ my posts that I was/am still existing within Aspects of myself as Andrew within the context of my Family. So cool now to “break out” of this construct and not accept and allow myself to exist as that Andrew any longer as that is not who I am willing to accept and allow myself to be as rather I stand up for and as life as equality and what is best for all as life support as “the truth” of who we actually are, and no longer accept and allow myself to “hide” within personalities and ideas, and constructs, as that is Not in fact the truth of Who we are, and thus I will not accept and allow myself to exist within an application of Hiding the actual truth of ourselves which is exactly what the family construct support – the hiding of oneself within an accepted and allowed existence of Hiding, masking and suppressing the real truth of oneself and who we really are in fact.
Now I noticed this point about a week ago with regards to how I was being influenced by and through accepting and allowing myself to continue existing within a personality connected to and created within and defined according to “who I was within my family”. Though another aspect of this revealed yesterday as I read one of Pauls posts he recently posted with regards to sexuality. Within his post he was basically exploring and investigating himself within the point of sexuality. Now I did not really read the entire post but more just skimmed over it, but the point came up of that this post was actually someone sharing the truth of themselves in terms of how they are actually existing as. I saw that I had in way not been doing this to the degree where I have actually started to suppress this point within myself. So I saw a point of shame within myself, in terms of there are still points I do not share or am ashamed of within myself and so within seeing this shame see that I am still judging me and holding onto judgments towards myself and that I – Why would I judge myself? I mean why not just forgive myself. And so see how I actually still have many judgements towards myself which “come up” in terms of how perceive others will see me with regards to the truth of myself, though within bringing this point “back to self” recognize that this is in fact a Self Judgment I have towards myself and that I am allowing myself to exist as, and not actually forgive myself. So must now really look at what specific points am I not yet forgiving and am judging myself for.
Ok Thats it for now.

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Living a Lie! – Re-Program Yourself.

Going to start tonight by writing about this point that opened up today in relation to communicating with other beings. I went out today to do a bit of work in the furniture shop that I worked in and so I arrived and spoke briefly to my co-worker who was there and then I continued on my way getting busy with what I was there to do. I have actually never had a “real conversation with this being” but within the particular environment that we are in – that being work related – the conversation has been mostly business. Anyways today when I came in, I was only there for a short while and there was this moment, the moment right before I made the decision to leave, that I was in the moment also considering the point of just speaking a little bit to the being, instead of just leaving. Just simply a point of opening a conversation. And as I walked out the door, I saw how in that moment I actually suppressed myself from communicating, and so in that moment you can say, “this point” of “communicating with others began to emerge” I realized in that moment that I actually had just suppressed myself from the perspective also of simply allowing “old patterns” to direct me in how I “used to be” in relation to others, and more specifically, what I accepted and allowed myself and others to exist within and as in terms of communication and interaction.  In that moment I then “flag-pointed” the experience where if I were to see this point come up again that I would push myself to “speak – up” The later on that day as I was/am now home, I was speaking to my roommate and as I was speaking, I could see the point coming up of “how I was supposed to interact with this person” The point that I saw infolded from the perspective of first seeing the point of How I used to communicate and interact with women in my world, and then also noticing that “my communication” in that moment was actually such due to definitions I had/have placed on how a male and female are supposed to interact. Within seeing this I the realized that I cannot simply continue to allow myself to interact/communicate with this being in this way, as this was not based in equality but rather “how society has created and placed the point of how male and female are supposed to interact” which I had simply accepted within and as myself. So the question then came up, Ok, so how then do I communicate with this person from the starting point of equality and what is best for all. I then saw the point of “myself” simply treat this being the same way that I would want to be treated. So rather than look at this particular being as a women who is talking/speaking to male, address them within equality, as equal to yourself, and communicate with them as equals, How do I like to be communicated with, what do I find ‘cool’ conversation is like. So within seeing this I could see the points of actually I enjoy when people are relaxed and are actually willing to go into a conversation and simply not just remain on the surface of things. Then I turned my attention to my other roommate and realized that there was like a blockage and a resistance there, as in I experienced myself within communication towards him, as doing it in a very one dimensional kind of way. In that moment I place myself as the being from the perspective of “Am I communicating to this being, Equally to how I would want to be communicated with” and I saw the point then, that I was in fact only speaking to him and addressing him from the perspective of how I perceived and defined him to be. So the correction is to Place myself as the reference point, where actually all beings are equal as beings, and so to establish that point of equality with all and each so that one communicate and interact from this perspective. So I place me as the reference point as to “how to communicate with another” when ever I encounter a moment where I do not know what to say or how to interact or that I see I am judging a being – In these moments I simply stop and establish my starting point of communication where in I speak to the being within the point of equality in where I communicate to them equally how I would prefer to be communicated with and essentially “How I treat Me” thus I give to them what I want for myself, in communication. So pretty cool point.  The about an hour ago or so I received a comment by Marlen on One of my Blogs speaking specifically about this point of communication. The Comment was in relation to a Blog post I wrote were I was observing how individuals interacted within this world and how this point of interaction was/is actually based on lies and essentially, very superficial bullshit nonsense to put abruptly. Although when I wrote this blog two days ago I missed one point. That it was written from the perspective of actually accepting and allowing this kind/type of communication to exist, where in, I was/had actually placed myself ‘subject’ to it ‘powerless’ to it so to speak, where I was actually accepting that “this is just the way things are” and had not actually considered the point of actually taking it upon myself to simply STOP this kind of communication by and through me simply Not accepting and allowing myself to remain “on the surface” so to speak, from the perspective of feeling/experiencing myself as subject to “what the other wants to talk about” even though I would rather speak direct, to the point, and actually get the truth and hear of the conversation in every moment, I simply would place myself at the ‘whim’ of “where the other was” and what they wanted to talk about. I mean sometimes I would push a little bit, and kind of open points up some, but I was very tentative, and delicate so to speak in the manner. Doing this primarily from the starting point of fear. Of not wanting to ruffle any feathers or upset someone, or cause a contradiction. Its like I would project into the future what might happen if I speak direct on a point and assume the being will react. And what I did was simply allow myself an others to exist within relationships and communications that were for the most part, pointless, and simply just filling space. No actually substance or direction. What I see now was/is that I was ‘waiting’ “waiting for the write moment” and this being in relation to comfort ability, and just assuming that if I were to actually inquire and question a being that they would close up and the conversation would not go anywhere and they would get uncomfortable. And I was not trusting myself within my ability to facilitate the opening up of a conversation or point where I was/am able to walk through that initial stage of “being uncomfortable” with another, which is not valid anyways, because to be directed by uncomfortabilty is to be directed by the mind. And so ultimately what I see here is that I was actually still supporting “how things are” in terms of “how communication and interaction between beings currently exist” because I was unwilling to actually “ push through the barriers that people place, that I had simply accepted as “Valid” and actually get to some real direct actual communication that will assist and support the being, myself, and the emergence of equality and and equal money system. I allowed “how things are” to direct me. I was tacitly participating with the point of “oh its just the way things are” and not actually Pushing the change, Me Simply Standing Up and Not Accepting this world the way it exists, where in I actually DIRECT myself to change How I interact within this world, and STOP accepting that I am powerless to do anything about it, and within this accepted and allowed powerless, just wait. So pretty cool to see this point.  Its quite obvious now. Its like those “small moments” where I observe what a being is doing, but simply talk to them on a level that is clearly in absolute ignorance, meaning both see the REAL point that is HERE but filter and interact in such a way that it will not, is not getting addressed.  I no longer accept and
allow myself to simply “let this be” A passive approach to this reality is exactly how I created manifested the world around me, I just sat back and observed everything, always observing and seeing much, but not speaking, not saying what I actually see and experience. “what if Im wrong” or even better and more prominent “what if I offend them” Fucking Bullshit. So this point is clear within what I am required to do from the perspective of me directing myself within understanding of why I am/will be directing myself in this manner, to no more accept and allow myself to exist as the mind, as how I have always existed as. I transform myself within communication by speaking up, as a participant, and no more accept and allow me to be an observer, and when I encounter moments where I see a point, and I want to hold back, and “let someone off the hook” I speak up,  I speak about what I see, and simply share my perspective, offering a perspective that may actually assist the being, instead of keeping quite. So quite an interesting point here that has come up.

For me to become visible, I must participate, I must comment, I must engage my world and my reality as a participant. Not accepting or allowing myself to exist only as an observer in waiting. And thus this is what I do, I speak, I comment, I add “my two sense” I participate. Otherwise I simply just disappear.

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