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My Experience of Me Today

When I woke up this morning I went upstairs to make a drink before getting into things. Plus I still had to decide what I was going to do exactly with my time before I went to work. I have been getting up earlier recently so that I have some time to do things before I go to work. This has been much more supportive than the pattern of sleeping right until its time to go, then get up and go directly to work. So now its like I have “2 days” in one. Because I had been so long sleeping in the mornings now to be getting up earlier its cool. I find I am much more relaxed also, and am able to just do things at a normal pace instead of feeling constricted in my spare time. I ended up working on my SRA assignment this morning before heading off to work.

I left for work and went through the drive-through at Tim Horton’s and got a Hot Chocolate. Perhaps tomorrow I should prepare my own drink at home. Recently on my way to work I have been applying self forgiveness in my car. I also “talk points out” meaning just speak out loud on certain points I am working on. And really just practicing and exploring self forgiveness as I drive to work.

When I arrived at work, everybody was just getting there. My boss called me over to carry some stuff but when I got to the truck there was only a small saw to be carried. I reacted within myself at being called over “for nothing” like a slight reaction came up within me in relation to this idea that my boss was only calling me over to do that because “I am a worker” therefore “I must work” and that this point was being considered over practical common sense of the moment in that there was no real practical reason to call me over in that moment. This point also came up of me being a slave, which has been a point that I have been looking at recently and also applying some self forgiveness on.

In this moment the reaction point was a point of anger in relation to me experiencing myself as being treated as a slave, one aspect of this being due to me not having money and thus not having any power in this world where I then become the subject/slave of those with money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge and blame my boss when I perceive that he is wanting me to work, and do things, because he is paying me and wants the most for his dollar, where within this he does not see me or consider me as his equal but as his worker, and also here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated by the fact that I am in my bosses position making all the money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get angry within myself and blame my boss for my situation of feeling like I will never get ahead.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for “never getting ahead” from the perspective of believing that there is something wrong with me or that no matter what I do, I am simply doomed to my programming as the programming that was passed down through my family, specifically from my father, which will inevitably lead to me being poor or remaining poor with only so much money for the rest of my life.

I walked up into the worksite to check out what was done the last day I was not there. We got started on a fence, beginning where it was left off the day before. It was a slat fence and so we, one by one, put up these slats building each section of the fence. I worked with this one guy who I find awkward to work with. I find my physical movements become rushed and jerky and I end up dropping things or making allot more mistakes then when I am just relaxed and giving a point direction. With this guy I find I go into this state of anxiety or haste when ever I work on projects with him. I find he as well work this way, and thus always knocks stuff over or makes mistakes, and so it can be a challenge to work with this guy. Though has brought up allot of points within myself to look at/face so that is cool. Lots of fears of conflict and fear of anger and also this point of “being a slave” that I touched upon earlier as well. Oh yes and “blame” Where in I am seeing I am constantly wanting to go into blame towards him, but must correct myself to rather go into a point of Self Forgiveness than blame.

We also got another new guy today. I saw him from a distance coming into the yard and shaking hands with my boss. My first reaction to him was that “he was tall” lol. Normally one have a first impression of a being, but I did not have that, I definitely had a first “reaction” as I immediately reacted in a point of judgement/assessment as I observed him from a distance. He was younger, and he was tall. Younger is cool because I find when people are younger they are normally easier to get along with where when you have older people, they have more engrained patterns and thus react allot more, and are more “set” in their ways.

We had a break around 11:00am and my boss brought coffee’s and doughnuts, though I had a tea, because I am doing 21 days no coffee which has been quite cool support in terms of just having a point which break apart, or “throw a wrench into” my normal routine / daily pattern. Because now its all different where normally it would just be the same where in “ok now I go have coffee” and simply walk through the point of having coffee without a ruffle at all in my normal flow of things. And because I did this around 2 to 4 times a day, now I have 2 to 4 times a day where things are different, now I go and make some tea, and its just different. Getting the tea bag, and putting in some honey and deciding what tea to have, and then the experience of drinking the tea, so yes, the 21 days no coffee has been cool support so far.

So anyways on coffee break I spoke with the new guy to get to know him a bit. I noticed that he looked at the ground when he spoke with me. This was quite peculiar. I wondered if he had an older brother or father that would yell at him or something, because it seemed like when ever he would talk it was being done from the starting point of “shame” like just in speaking he is doing something wrong already.

Ok stopping here, I have some files to send to the printer before I go to bed, and so am going to do this now. I am preparing myself for doing snow removal this winter again so am getting some business cards printed. Perhaps I will discuss this in the next blog. And explore some aspects/points of taking on doing snow removal again to support myself through the winter to have sufficient money coming in.

Goodnight.

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Filed under Life Experiences, Work and Business, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

Self Forgiveness – Stop Creating my Self, rather, be myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to each day believe that I am not doing good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to ‘be more’ because I have not accepted myself as who I am, and simply express that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am currently existing as, from the perspective of letting go of the desire to ‘be more’ or do something that is ‘more’ or ‘better’ than who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be dissatisfied with myself as who I am, and how I live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel each day that I have not done enough, and within this struggle nearly every day of my life, to live in such a way that I get enough done in that day, and I discover points about myself in that day, so that I can be satisfied with myself and accept myself, instead of living in self acceptance NO MATTER WHAT. No matter what I do or do not do, or find out, or do not find out about myself, but simply accept myself in every moment.

Why I am not satisfied with myself.

Because I feel like I am not doing a service to humanity or existence from the perspective of supporting to the degree that I will be satisfied with. Because I do not understand existence, or rather, that I do not accept my level of understanding.

This brings up and interesting point – that at times I find, I want more, I want to know more, I want to be more, I want to be capable of more, yet, I have not even become effective with what I do know, understand, and am capable of.  I have not become effective with who I currently am. So it’s a point of ‘forgetting’ simplicity. From the perspective of taking who you are, or who I am currently, and working with that, and not requiring to know more, or be more, in order to be effective, but first, get effective with who I am currently.

So the point is, I do not have to become something I am not, I simply have to express me. Allow myself to express me as who I am and who I am naturally. Not trying to be better or more, but take who I currently am, and apply that, so to speak. And within this become effective with who I am. So it is not to look “out there” for that ability to “be who I desire to be” in so that I will be satisfied with how I live my life,  but to accept myself, and be myself, and express myself

So what is self expression then!

How I will be satisfied with my life, if I express myself in self honesty.

Because I will be effective in supporting others, Then what I say is not a lie, if it is me expressing myself in self honesty. And I will be satisfied because I will then no longer be misunderstood, because what I express, and what I express is me in fact, which cannot be disputed.

With being myself, I do not have to rush, to be somewhere else, or become something.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush myself within writing, because I am attempting to move as fast as possible to build myself up as fast as possible, because I have not accepted myself. And within this not yet having accepted myself, I strive to create someone better, someone who is satisfied. And thus, within attempting to create this ‘someone’ I ‘rush’ through everything to hopefully, finally arrive a point where I am someone I want to be, and than within this can finally rest for a moment and be here. Instead of stopping, and accepting myself in this moment, and within this allow myself to be here in this moment.

Here as in, not needing to create myself into something better, or more, not requiring to get everything done so I can be satisfied with myself.

You cannot create yourself, you are yourself. So not matter what you do, you are not actually able to create yourself. Thus you do not change, ever, nothing ever changes, change is an illusion. I have always been who I am, and I always will be this.

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Filed under Life Experiences, Self forgiveness - Purification