Tag Archives: future

Wanting The Future Now Instead of Directing Myself HERE

I experience a pressure right in the center of my back. I had this point come up a few weeks ago as well where I experienced a tension and a pressure in my back which was quite uncomfortable so now this is the second time this is coming up so am able to now see it before it happens in a way, before it compounds.
The last time this occurred it was somewhat of a new unexpected experience where now its like, “Heeeeyyyyy, I know what is going on Here”
The last time this pain point in my back compounded until I threw my back out or tweaked my back by really doing nothing but what I do most days in working on the computer etc. The point became so painful last time that I literally spent an entire day in bed watching movies as I experienced the point as a kind of “Red Light” saying slow the fuck down. Though I don’t see it in exactly the same way this time around though I am able to now see that I am heading exactly towards the same point which was a shock last time to have the pain become so bad that my back just gave out and went all stiff. Manifesting literally within only some hours. Almost as if I am holding a giant sphere made of concrete and it is soooooo heavy and I just stand there holding it and holding it and holding it until eventually my back just snap under the pressure. Its similar to this but a “mental experience” And the pressure is more “energy based” which I experience as a building pressure in the centre of my back.

Hummm – to much “Holding Back” perhaps.
Ok Perspective.
I have been doing more research over the last two days into the graphic design point exploring ways in which to set up the business. I have now been moving into this point slowly over the last three months and so am “getting there” and found this last week have placed a more pointed focus and direction onto this point to get the thing moving. Focusing specifically on the my own logo to start with and I must say I am soooooooooo enjoying working on this and exploring the Adobe illustrator program – Lots of cool points opening up here with what is possible with this programs…anyways…
Because I am in the preparation phases still I am really making sure I do the proper research and placements so that the business model/system will actually work effectively within this reality.
I find that within this there are moments that I become quite excited as I move into the explorations and start to see all this possibilities opening up of what could potentially happen and having certain realizations or seeing how points will fit together and function, and I get soooooo excited that I can hardly contain myself, I am like a wide eyed kid standing in the window of a Candy Shop. Well maybe not the best example. My experience is that I start to see different “potentials and opportunities” that could come from this direction but that these potentials are months even in some cases years away and require much much much much practical preparation, application, walking, and basically, physical direction, meaning the points actually have to be practically walked in the physical step by step, point by point thoroughly and completely and effectively in order to actually facilitate and bring through/manifest these potentials that I see possible into this physical reality in fact so that are physically Here…But I want it all, NOW, ooooooooh and I get so excited, lol.
Ok so this is where I see the pain in my back emerging from. It is a form of attempting to extend oneself/myself into the future. Which is not physically practically possible, its like I am just trying so hard to get there that I strain myself and I in fact strain myself so much that such a point like this emerge as what is happening now with my back and what happened a few weeks ago which literally sidelined me for a few days. STOP! That was the message. Its quite the same as when one have a cool insight come up in a moment and before they loose it they want to write it down real quick and so end up stumbling over the letters in a mad pace and end up with a jumbled mess with all these “red lines” underlining these funny looking words that are definitely not how you spell those words. It is basically the point of getting ahead of oneself.
So I have to remind myself that these things take time. I am not used to that, I am used to immediate results and have not actually before taken on actively the creation of “Long Term Points” which is how I see this Graphic Design Business.
I mean I can slap the thing together and have it up and going asap, but I mean WTF, rather, breathe, be Here, Stop rushing, take my time to investigate each point thoroughly and absolutely so that I build a fully intact foundation with no cracks or weak links. Rather establish the necessary relationships to ensure an effective system. And so that is what I am busy with at the moment, still in the early preparation phases of the point to see how “it could work” So there is both excitement and uncertainty, doubt, and within all this I see it is most effective to remain here within common sense practical considerations and move the point in the physical and take as much time as I require to do it effective so that it will stand and I am not attempting to make up for it later on which is a point that I see has happened on different occasions within my life.
One point I started with is using the “7 Steps of Creation” in how to create a system in this world. This “7 steps of creation” was a recording/document place by Bernard for us to use when we (matti, Cameron, Katie, Darryl, anna and me) were on The Farm exploring the point of developing the Software business. So it is a cool guideline and I have found it practical to have “a way” to do something otherwise its like I don’t have any direction so to speak. So using this “Seven Steps of Creation” as a template model in preparing the Logo Design Business has been cool support in these initial stages.
The best advice I can give myself right now is to take the necessary time that it will require to do it. Do not attempt to cut corners, slow down, if it take months more than it takes months more. Allow myself to be thorough, do not “lose my way”/”Give up” or “Lose hope” because it seems like nothing is happening, remain focused on the task at hand, and consider each and all points in detail and specificity. Don’t expect to have it done slap dash and ready to go. Breathe and focus on the points that are here and direct myself within consistency to get each point that is here moving and directed. If I access any point of rushing – that is not acceptable as that is only indicating that I am missing points. If I am not stable and calm in my application and direction, realize that I am not giving Me or the point the consideration it deserves. Why not create something for once that will stand and that will in fact work, move, and flow effectively within this world. Rather do not cut myself short by trying to take the quick version route. I simply have to walk each step in common sense – not hope, and not allow myself to go into the point of being directed by fear instead of practical common sense seeing, that is where I have to trust myself. And also to have patients, enjoy myself, and be unconditional yet ruthless on the point.

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Self Forgiveness on 'COMPARISON' and 'MONEY'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within my mind within thoughts, ideas, worries, concerns, emotions and feelings related to planting trees from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making lots of money”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the constructs and networks of thoughts, ideas, concepts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and emotions and feelings within my mind related to treeplanting from the perspective of “being a good planter” and “making allot of money” instead of simply breathing here in the moment and applying myself in the moment and allowing myself to let go of “that which goes on in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the mind and specific “trains of thoughts” that emerge or come up in my mind, simply because they “do” come up and thus automatically allow myself to participate within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be a good planter
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with the energetic experiences that come up within my about “being a good planter” in comparison to others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself occupy myself within comparison where in I give my attention to comparing myself to others and seeing myself in relation to others within my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “want to win” from the perspective of “not being satisfied with myself” unless I win, and am better than others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to outperform others from the perspective of attempting to satisfy myself within and as myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be satisfied with myself from the perspective of not requiring me to compare myself to others to gauge my satisfaction, but rather simply me being satisfied with me without needing or requiring to compare myself to others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that through comparison and creating defining myself according to others within comparison that I will finally be able to be satisfied with myself and there in within this be able to just stop and relax because “I will have arrived” and finally I can rest.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply just “do my own thing” from the perspective of not requiring to perform at a specific level so that others see me within this and as this, so that I can “be comfortable with myself” through having effectively created a picture/idea/personality of myself which is supported by me, and others as a “form” which we all agree on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my attention and energy on “building up” an idea of self, instead of existing here as breath, one breath at a time, and no longer accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as my mind where in I create ideas within my mind of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how other people see me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am what others say, believe and see me as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself according to presenting myself in such a way that others agree with, and furthermore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to others, and what others say/believe/see me as in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘care’ what others think of me from the perspective of shaping/creating/defining/presenting myself in a way which will “make me feel better” based on how others define/see me through what I present to them as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are better than me, and within this, constantly attempt to ‘create’ myself within comparison to others who I see/believe are better than me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not plant the most trees for my company than I am less than those that do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not planting more trees than everybody else than I am compromising myself from the perspective of what I am capable of and my abilities, and within this am existing in limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of trees I plant in relation to others is a direct reflection of my abilities in this world and the ‘success’ I will have in the system from the perspective of being successful at painting and other business ventures.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others that plant more trees than me are smarter than me, more skilled than me and more disciplined than me, wherein I then experience myself as ‘down’ and “not as good” as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘connect’ treeplanting to my future ventures within the world and believe that If I am not the best planter or one of the best planters on the crew that I will ultimately be limited in my other ventures to my performance treeplanting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my performance or ‘standard’ that I set here planting will determine my future success in this world, where in I am limiting myself where in I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and agree within myself that I am and will be “locked-in” to what I ‘achieve’ here planting, and thus I must be “one of the best” because this will determine who I will be in the future.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that “the amount of money” I make here while planting will “set a standard” of my capabilities which I will locked into and that I will not be able to “break-out of” and so within this I want to do a good job.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to simply walk step by step, breath by breath, and allow myself expand myself within this world constantly from the perspective of not accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into and participate within my mind in relation to money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within fear, from the perspective of money and what will happen in the future, related what I have set out to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify participating with fears/anxieties/thoughts/emotions and feelings relating to money and the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowing myself to fear failing and “getting stuck” without a job, which in turn will cause my plan not to work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my plan will not work out
I forgive myself that I have automatically accepted and allowed myself to expect my plan to not work out which thus cause me to go into fear and anxiety about the future, where in I simply just believe that my plan will not work out.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that it is ‘difficult’ to set a plan in this world and have it work out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine the success or failure of “my plans” based on the what I have done/experienced in the past instead of allowing myself to walk ‘anew’ each day one breath at a time, and no longer accept and allow myself to define myself according to “who I was in the past” but actually in self walking here in breath, will and rebirth myself into this reality as effective within this world and the system in terms of support and functionality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is difficult to make money within this world. Where in I am arriving at this conclusion without even first walking the necessary steps to make sufficient money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people that are effective at making money to possess something that I do not, instead of me standing equal to them, and giving myself the gift of realizing my equality with them.

Within this Self Forgiveness I see the point of defining my future success in the world in relation to my performance within treeplanting. In connecting these two points I then went into comparison towards and with the other planters within a kind of “franticness” where I believe that “if I am not the best” here and now, that I will fail in this world, and not make it. So what I see is that I have a belief /fear inside me of failing in this world, and ending up with no money, or stuck somewhere with no money and in this no freedom, but trapped in way. And that this fear/belief was actually coming though or causing me to go into comparison in the specific way that I was/am within my job treeplanting towards others.
When I look closer at this point I see that also when I was in art school I was already participating within this construct of wanting to “be the best” which at that time I has also linked to money and freedom. And that if I was going to make it as an artist, that I had to be one of the best, as this was the only way that I would have enough money to “buy my freedom” in my life. Something that I was already at that time determined to do, to have enough money to “be free” in this world, and not have to struggle to get by.
I always liked winning races and coming in first place in my younger years, but at that stage, I had not yet linked the point to money, but more to the point of people seeing me a certain way, a point of worthiness or specialness or acceptance.
I remember when I was art school, I experienced dominance in relation to art, where I experienced myself as “above” other in this regard, where I in a way “stood over or above them” I liked this experience, as I could then speak with confidence about art and speak to them about there art where they would listen to what I had to say, and consider what I had to say as important, I liked that.
But in terms of a ‘fear’ where I triggered a fear within myself where I then feared about money was what comes up at the moment is my student loan. When I signed the papers to get my loan to go to school. It was at that step when I was around 19 or 20 years old that money was now linked to art, and that I ‘had’ to make money with my art to pay back my loan otherwise I would have to stop making art and do something else to make money to pay back my loan. So it was at that stage where the whole point of dominance I experienced and specialness in relation to others around the point of art, mutated merged with the point of money to give entire construct another layer to it.
In terms of developing a belief that I was/am unable to make money doing art, or be successful within the context of “making money” interestingly enough I see in relation to before art school when I was involved in ice hockey, where the point of playing professional hockey came into play. To play professional hockey meant making allot of money which I was aware of. Eventually it got to the point where it just seemed like “I wasn’t good enough” and in this saw or defined myself as a failure at this point which encompassed the point of “making allot of money in this world” which at this juncture of my life, I saw myself as having failed at. So in a way, believing that I will be unable to make money with my art can be related to “my past” where I failed at making money as a hockey player. Before the Hockey point I had never really considered much, if anything to make money in this world. So in a way, becoming a hockey player was my first attempt, which “in my eyes” I failed at doing, and in this saw myself as “less than” and ‘weak’.

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Filed under desteni equallife network, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification