Resonant Resistance – Back Doors – Establishing Clarity – Oct 24th/2010
Hi,everyone. Today I went again to my job on the horse ranch. Today I was going to work with the girl there who , “runs everything” So this would be a good indicator as to see if the job is going to work or not. If anyone has read my previous two blogs I wrote about this point, and in particular the resistance that was “coming up”, that I was experiencing inside myself as I walked through this job each day.
Today was much of the same, but in a way even more resistance. What I see is that this resistance is actually in relation to the people mostly, not the actual physical duties of the job, which I see I am effective within and the part with working with the horses, see that I am capable of this and just require time simply to get comfortable.
I began to experience a headache, and upper back/shoulder pain nearing the end of the day. I experienced myself within a clenched expression similar to that I wrote about previously.
I felt I was not able to speak openly to the being I was working with and at times experienced a “gap” in-between where I was standing and where she was standing, and that to “close” that gap may not actually be possible, though in a way this is a kind of speculation.
I was looking at this point quite intently, looking at the practicality of this job working out, and looking at my experience of feeling closed in, boxed in, suffocated, in a way, and “not knowing” if I would actually be able to express me within this situation/environment, from the perspective of if I actually express me as who I am, and what I stand for, it would cause “to much” friction.
I cannot make people change, and I see the point of in order for this job to work, it will require work, and effort, and the resonant experience of myself was quite stressed and strained, and so I simply look within me and see, am I able to walk this point, because in essence I will be walking this point alone, meaning, I cannot expect these beings around me to change.
Particularly within observing the context within which I have placed myself, that being a Business, related to and constructed around the “family matrix” so it is quite heavy from a certain perspective.
Interesting I experienced this same point on the Farm when I was in the agreement with Andrea. It’s Like a ‘massive resistance’ where I experienced myself as being constantly in a stress, and so we worked with this point from the perspective of understanding, as well has having interviews with our resonances and Bernard for support in being able to ‘move’ the resonances. So this experience of myself within this environment is similar, and now I am alone and have no support as I did on the farm so in this really see this point as not working out.
So simply will let this point go.
Its quite a fuck up that beings can’t get along, And I mean with this girl I was working with today, it was almost unspeakable in a way what the point actually is, but its just like down there deep there are these two points that are simply not working at all, not aligning , and creating a discord. Eventually this will “blow up”
So back to the drawing board to find a job in this world in the Matrix. Now looking at a point which will empower me within this world so to speak. Like a practical skill that is actually required in this world.
Oh ya, interesting point here as well in the comparison of this job experience to my agreement I had with Andrea.
Fascinating how these two points are so comparable but I experience myself resonantly very similar, and exactly the same on some points, one of them being related to “the back door”
I ‘wanted’ the agreement to work.
I ‘want/wanted’ this job to work.
But when I look “down the road” I see that there is this fuzziness. The same kind of fuzziness I saw when “looked down the road” of the agreement. So I see this as “a back door point” where actually, I have a back door, am not committed to the point, but will actually take the back door, when it arrives.
So pretty cool actually to have this agreement point as a reference here, because who knows how long I would have ‘strung’ this job along, all the while knowing inside myself that “I am unable to commit to the point” So now I see here that this is what is going on, that I actually am not able to commit here, but only making myself believe that I am able to, like a point of self delusion in a way.
So I am simply going to let this point go, and as mentioned go “back to drawing board” and find a point I can/am able to commit to, so that there is no “fuzziness” so to speak, but certainty, clarity, and understanding.