Tag Archives: desteni process

Working on Horse Ranch – Daily Writing – Oct 22/2010

Today I went to work today at a horse ranch. I was up at 6:00am because I had to drive 45min out of town to get the ranch. I am basically “doing a trial run” to see if this job is going to work out for me.

So within this point I am ‘deciding’ what I am going to do for work for the future, maybe even for the next year. I have been living here in the city the for the last month and half, and starting looking for and applying to adds for jobs here in the city, mostly related to construction as there is allot of that going here. Though I don’t have any “system recognition” in these fields so not sure if this has anything to do why I have not gotten any strong leads. A few interviews but no call backs. Anyways I also applied to this add for a “Barn Assistant Manager” Which is quite different from say working here in the city, as this job is out on a ranch of about 200 acres, where in I would actually move out and live on the ranch in a place there.  Initially they “went with someone else” but that never worked out so they called me and asked me to come out today to work to see how it goes.

I arrived at 7:30 after driving 130km down the highway to get there on time – didn’t realize it was so far away, I was thinking that “that that wasn’t a good sign” I find I have been doing this in a way, like attempting to “read the patterning” of the events, to get an idea of what I am heading into. I mean “knocking  over and smashing a 1000 dollar lamp” at the furniture job I was busy with is an interesting symbol of sorts – Like in a way smashing all possibilities of ever working there again.

I notice that I have this fear of working at this ranch related to a point that came up when I was staying on the farm in South Africa. Where I fear, “cutting myself off” from the world, or “not placing myself effectively”  Like in a way where I “go into a waiting” instead of a participating you can say, and so I fear “locking myself into this point again” as I just “got out of this point” when I decided to come back to Canada and begin directing myself here. I have been experiencing this point come up quite a bit in relation to working on this farm/ranch.  Like the whole time thoughts coming up saying to myself that “I shouldn’t be doing this” or that “this is not the right way” or “something is off here”.

So today I simply went out to work there and simply see the point of actually just going there and walking within the point and seeing if what is coming up inside me is valid in any way what so ever or if this is simply just fear stuff, where in I will see in the actual real walking of the point that it is nothing like I ‘expect’

I mean, I don’t really have rent and food money for next month also, so here with this opportunity I would actually be placing myself into a more stable financial position than I am currently.

Ok, but enough observer shit – I want to get into my daily walking experience of myself.

I was nervous because I was 10 minutes late, and not sure if they were waiting for me or if they were going to be ok with me being a bit late. I showed up and Ricardo, the Guy who is training me was busy with the horses and I simply announced myself and we continued with doing the daily tasks- no verbal mention of me being late, maybe a slight resonance friction though coming through, although this could have only be from me.

It was nice to be around animals again, and I stepped right in with putting the blankets on the Horses that were in the stable, as we prepared to take them out. I think they have around 50 horses there are the moment. So was cool, here my experience with working on the desteni farm with horses actually provided me with a reference point for this job, quite fascinating actually, without that experience I had on the desteni farm working with horses, this job would not be possible. And the horse industry around the area I am in is apparently pretty big – Hence the nickname of my city – “CowTown”.

So I proceeded to go into each stable and put the blankets on the horses. Some of them stable, some a little jumpy, but overall stable. Some where little devious, like this big guy…first thing he did when I got in there is grab the edge of the blanket with his teeth and held on and wouldn’t let go, now obviously this made it so I couldn’t put the blanket on because he had the thing in his mouth. I definitely had to laugh with myself because it was quite funny. Eventually after some tugging he let go, and I placed the blanket on him.

I was a bit nervous, because afterall I am now encountering many different animals so start to see reactive points now moving inside of me, points that don’t necessarily come up when one is alone typing in front of the computer. So when with other beings, this stuff comes up. Interesting to, fears and stuff related to being bit or kicked by horses started surfacing as well. I mean We were quite particular on the Desteni Farm with the horses, and here they just threw me right in. Shit we also went out to this big field where this mare and colt were with this stallion and I had to lead the mare and colt out as the other guy distracted the stallion because the stallion would not approve of us taking away the mare and colt. So I led the mare out and the colt simply followed close by, so there was not need to put a harness on colt as it followed closely by its mothers side.

I had a reactive point come up today as well in relation to how the animals are being treated there, from the perspective of how animals, in this case horses have been placed according to and within this world system, and current money system. Here the animals are caged and placed in such a way that accommodate profit. I mean what the fuck else do you expect. Obviously this is unavoidable anywhere within this current system as all points are related to, shaped, formed and structured around money, profit and greed. This is why I stand as what is best for all and stand for a new equal money system. So that this scenario will no longer exist where animals are fucking marginalized as points within this world to facilitate the creation of money, and where there actually experience is not taken into consideration or bothered with at all in terms of being equal and one with humans.

So I see I had/have a reaction/judgment in relation to this point, though I see that “it is simply this way at the moment” and to actually change this will take some long term movement and dedication and walking as what is best for all. It will simply not change over night.

Another reaction I noticed coming up quite prominently in relation to working at this place is the point of “family”. This is a family owned business, and so found myself  reacting to/judging this point extensively where I have actually created quite a reaction inside myself  in relation to this point.

Why – Because I see/experience the point of family to represent that of suppression, where a being is not actually able to “think and do for themselves” but always must do “what is right and accepted within the family construct” I see this point specifically in relation to my mother coming up here. Where I see that I absolutely limit myself around my mother from the perspective of still placing myself within a point of “lesser than” from the perspective of seeing it as no-use to attempt to reason or try to change her, but in a way, just accept my expression around her as such, and “wait it out”

Today I was introduced to “the mother” of the girl that called me for the interview and immediately when straight into a point of judgment/reaction. See here a point of enslavement, of suppression, where now I will have to limit and compromise myself and twist and hold myself as “being this picture presentation” in relation to “the mother” in so that “she likes me” and allow me to keep my job. I mean Fuck, I was always “such as nice boy” you polite, someone you could introduce to your mother, and I would not cause any friction, saying all the right things. Jezzuss Fuck. What fucking bullshit – So this point came up in that moment, and like experiencing myself within a kind of contraction/restriction coming up.

It is quite interesting because as I walk within my world, and encounter people and meet people, like for example my roommates, and new these people at this job, I am always checking to see “what the being is going to face” meaning, I see what I will not accept and allow, and as such this being will face this point within being within my world, and then I ask myself the question of, will the being actually be able to handle this or will there be to much friction.

I have been noticing a point similar to what Viktor posted about on the forums in relation to ‘grace’. And that one cannot just simply confront a being on a point, but must actually look and see where that being is within there process, and assist them from this starting point, not simply demanding unreasonable demands where the being is actually not even able to understand what you are talking about. So at this farm, I am looking at these points. Am I able to bring these beings to a point of understanding of what I am doing, and who I am, because I have no interest in suppressing myself, though it may take time to in a way lay the proper foundation for them to see who I am, and not simply see a bald headed cult member. Because I don’t know if there is a situation out there where beings within this process are not faced with the point of standing amongst those who really have no clue what they are about. So it is not to simply dismiss a situation or a being, because one perceive, believe that they won’t , don’t get it.

So in any case this ‘family’ point is probably the most prominent resistance/reaction point coming up with working at this farm.  What is interesting here is that I noticed what this reaction I was having actually was. It was a judgement. I was/am actually judging these beings, and not actually remaining here as myself, constant in every moment, but am actually judging beings for how they are currently existing , and in a way “wanting to run from this” believing that “I can run from this” like “oh there is too much friction here, gotta find somewhere else” well, it occurs to me – What the fuck is this friction point! I mean here I am having quite an extensive reaction, which is actually showing me a resistance point /judgement that I have created within and as me, so why not face the point and walk through it, rather than seeing it as “avoidable” and “a good reason to go elsewhere” So here I simply realize that this reaction to the ‘family’ point is a reaction, and is not valid as a point from the perspective of it directing me instead of me directing myself and standing.

They were also playing country music – holy fuck, the programming here is extensive, especially in terms of god, religion, family, relationship and creating a very specific picture in relation to how this should all go and what one should attain to in this world from the perspective of having the “perfect life” I mean obviously all music does this currently, but today I was exposed to country music specifically and how it create this very particular image,fantasy,picture  of a desired outcome. Music is like the glue that holds it all together in a way. Creating, and maintaining those specific emotional energetic connections where when a being listen to a certain song, all the pictures light up, now within the melody, one goes into emotional experience as they see the image in there mind, and experience an emotional movement. Fuck Mu-SICK,  simply assist and support holding this system together, and not allow beings to change. One more point we will all have to let go of.

So will see how this point goes with the Job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within energy towards or in relation to any point what so ever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify or validate a reaction point towards family, seeing this as a ‘valid’ reaction, when in fact it is simply a point of energy which I have not yet purified within myself in relation to what exist here as this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing this point of ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘upsetting mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is valid reason for a mother to become upset instead of seeing that in fact this is just an emotional reaction charge that the being as the mother has not actually taken responsibility for yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that mothers are always right, and there is nothing I can do in these situations but suppress myself and agree.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shattering the mother construct

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to “go into the emotional response/reaction point” in relation to the point of mother, instead of Stopping in that moment, and realizing that in fact this is a reaction, and simply stopping ALL reaction points, and realizing here before me, that this is not a mother, but in fact an equal as myself, a being, one and equal as life, and from this perspective I am able to communicate with and interact with the being from this perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions I have, because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the perfect situation for me will be one where there is little conflict.

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Living a Lie! – Re-Program Yourself.

Going to start tonight by writing about this point that opened up today in relation to communicating with other beings. I went out today to do a bit of work in the furniture shop that I worked in and so I arrived and spoke briefly to my co-worker who was there and then I continued on my way getting busy with what I was there to do. I have actually never had a “real conversation with this being” but within the particular environment that we are in – that being work related – the conversation has been mostly business. Anyways today when I came in, I was only there for a short while and there was this moment, the moment right before I made the decision to leave, that I was in the moment also considering the point of just speaking a little bit to the being, instead of just leaving. Just simply a point of opening a conversation. And as I walked out the door, I saw how in that moment I actually suppressed myself from communicating, and so in that moment you can say, “this point” of “communicating with others began to emerge” I realized in that moment that I actually had just suppressed myself from the perspective also of simply allowing “old patterns” to direct me in how I “used to be” in relation to others, and more specifically, what I accepted and allowed myself and others to exist within and as in terms of communication and interaction.  In that moment I then “flag-pointed” the experience where if I were to see this point come up again that I would push myself to “speak – up” The later on that day as I was/am now home, I was speaking to my roommate and as I was speaking, I could see the point coming up of “how I was supposed to interact with this person” The point that I saw infolded from the perspective of first seeing the point of How I used to communicate and interact with women in my world, and then also noticing that “my communication” in that moment was actually such due to definitions I had/have placed on how a male and female are supposed to interact. Within seeing this I the realized that I cannot simply continue to allow myself to interact/communicate with this being in this way, as this was not based in equality but rather “how society has created and placed the point of how male and female are supposed to interact” which I had simply accepted within and as myself. So the question then came up, Ok, so how then do I communicate with this person from the starting point of equality and what is best for all. I then saw the point of “myself” simply treat this being the same way that I would want to be treated. So rather than look at this particular being as a women who is talking/speaking to male, address them within equality, as equal to yourself, and communicate with them as equals, How do I like to be communicated with, what do I find ‘cool’ conversation is like. So within seeing this I could see the points of actually I enjoy when people are relaxed and are actually willing to go into a conversation and simply not just remain on the surface of things. Then I turned my attention to my other roommate and realized that there was like a blockage and a resistance there, as in I experienced myself within communication towards him, as doing it in a very one dimensional kind of way. In that moment I place myself as the being from the perspective of “Am I communicating to this being, Equally to how I would want to be communicated with” and I saw the point then, that I was in fact only speaking to him and addressing him from the perspective of how I perceived and defined him to be. So the correction is to Place myself as the reference point, where actually all beings are equal as beings, and so to establish that point of equality with all and each so that one communicate and interact from this perspective. So I place me as the reference point as to “how to communicate with another” when ever I encounter a moment where I do not know what to say or how to interact or that I see I am judging a being – In these moments I simply stop and establish my starting point of communication where in I speak to the being within the point of equality in where I communicate to them equally how I would prefer to be communicated with and essentially “How I treat Me” thus I give to them what I want for myself, in communication. So pretty cool point.  The about an hour ago or so I received a comment by Marlen on One of my Blogs speaking specifically about this point of communication. The Comment was in relation to a Blog post I wrote were I was observing how individuals interacted within this world and how this point of interaction was/is actually based on lies and essentially, very superficial bullshit nonsense to put abruptly. Although when I wrote this blog two days ago I missed one point. That it was written from the perspective of actually accepting and allowing this kind/type of communication to exist, where in, I was/had actually placed myself ‘subject’ to it ‘powerless’ to it so to speak, where I was actually accepting that “this is just the way things are” and had not actually considered the point of actually taking it upon myself to simply STOP this kind of communication by and through me simply Not accepting and allowing myself to remain “on the surface” so to speak, from the perspective of feeling/experiencing myself as subject to “what the other wants to talk about” even though I would rather speak direct, to the point, and actually get the truth and hear of the conversation in every moment, I simply would place myself at the ‘whim’ of “where the other was” and what they wanted to talk about. I mean sometimes I would push a little bit, and kind of open points up some, but I was very tentative, and delicate so to speak in the manner. Doing this primarily from the starting point of fear. Of not wanting to ruffle any feathers or upset someone, or cause a contradiction. Its like I would project into the future what might happen if I speak direct on a point and assume the being will react. And what I did was simply allow myself an others to exist within relationships and communications that were for the most part, pointless, and simply just filling space. No actually substance or direction. What I see now was/is that I was ‘waiting’ “waiting for the write moment” and this being in relation to comfort ability, and just assuming that if I were to actually inquire and question a being that they would close up and the conversation would not go anywhere and they would get uncomfortable. And I was not trusting myself within my ability to facilitate the opening up of a conversation or point where I was/am able to walk through that initial stage of “being uncomfortable” with another, which is not valid anyways, because to be directed by uncomfortabilty is to be directed by the mind. And so ultimately what I see here is that I was actually still supporting “how things are” in terms of “how communication and interaction between beings currently exist” because I was unwilling to actually “ push through the barriers that people place, that I had simply accepted as “Valid” and actually get to some real direct actual communication that will assist and support the being, myself, and the emergence of equality and and equal money system. I allowed “how things are” to direct me. I was tacitly participating with the point of “oh its just the way things are” and not actually Pushing the change, Me Simply Standing Up and Not Accepting this world the way it exists, where in I actually DIRECT myself to change How I interact within this world, and STOP accepting that I am powerless to do anything about it, and within this accepted and allowed powerless, just wait. So pretty cool to see this point.  Its quite obvious now. Its like those “small moments” where I observe what a being is doing, but simply talk to them on a level that is clearly in absolute ignorance, meaning both see the REAL point that is HERE but filter and interact in such a way that it will not, is not getting addressed.  I no longer accept and
allow myself to simply “let this be” A passive approach to this reality is exactly how I created manifested the world around me, I just sat back and observed everything, always observing and seeing much, but not speaking, not saying what I actually see and experience. “what if Im wrong” or even better and more prominent “what if I offend them” Fucking Bullshit. So this point is clear within what I am required to do from the perspective of me directing myself within understanding of why I am/will be directing myself in this manner, to no more accept and allow myself to exist as the mind, as how I have always existed as. I transform myself within communication by speaking up, as a participant, and no more accept and allow me to be an observer, and when I encounter moments where I see a point, and I want to hold back, and “let someone off the hook” I speak up,  I speak about what I see, and simply share my perspective, offering a perspective that may actually assist the being, instead of keeping quite. So quite an interesting point here that has come up.

For me to become visible, I must participate, I must comment, I must engage my world and my reality as a participant. Not accepting or allowing myself to exist only as an observer in waiting. And thus this is what I do, I speak, I comment, I add “my two sense” I participate. Otherwise I simply just disappear.

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