Sometimes I experience a blank when I go to write. This has been occurring allot lately. I see that there is a point of self judgement where within judging what I am about to write actually keeps this “blankness” Here, as I judge what I am about to write or what I start writing and then might quickly erase it as I think to myself “no, no, no, thats not what I want to write about”. So I see this in fact a judgement which prevent me from actually moving from the starting line and exploring myself within writing.
So rather I must support myself within moving through that which I am writing by not judging what I am writing or what is coming up in the moment.
Because in some instances I will do this multiple times to the point where I eventually just close the document I am working on and do something else.
So I will open a document and pause for a moment then say to myself in a way, “what shall I write about” Then a point, or sentence will come up within me and I will carry on to write this down but then get a few words in and pause and think, “nawww thats not good enough” and then I try and think of something else to write about. Then I will trap myself within this pattern instead of rather directing myself to just go with what comes up initially and not judge it.
So today at work I was working with a co-worker and we were discussing different points related to the money system and human nature and just really touching on a few points and sharing perspectives. But I found myself to be quite frustrated in this because I find that I know actually so very little. Actually today I was pushing myself to speak up and assert myself a little more instead of holding back on giving my perspective, though it did not go that smoothly. I will continue to test this point out of expanding my communication through stepping outside of my normal programmed way of communicating and venture into some less explored waters where I will simply direct myself to speak where I normally would have kept quite. But after today this will require some adjustment already because in speaking up more I realized that “I don’t know shit” lol. Like I will start explaining something to someone and then realize as I start getting into the point “oh fuck, I actually don’t the necessary details to be able to explain the point. Like only having a surface idea of something but when it actually gets down to it my understanding is actually not at all sufficient on so many points that I believed that I had all sorted out.
This made me realize that I must pay closer attention when I am reading an article so that when I go explaining a cool article to someone that I read just that same morning I don’t stop a few seconds in within the realization that, yes I read the article, but I do not remember shit about what it was actually about. It was like I wasn’t even reading it really, but only thought I was – LOL. Simply put – Pay more attention when I am reading and ensure that I have the comprehension of what is being presented in place so that if required I would be able to explain the main points of the article and give perspective on it.
I asked myself today “what do I actually know” Because, ok, why not I just stick to communicating about stuff that I have a solid understanding about , and so I asked myself “what do I have a solid understanding about” and fuck – there is really not much. Particularly when it comes to certainties. Which is humbling. To see how much of my understanding and comprehension of reality is based on assumption.
(ok one more point came up as I was writing my tags for this blog – It is the point of actually re-structuring my communication like for instance one must build the foundation for the house before they can build the house or put in the windows, and so today was like I was getting ahead of myself instead of establishing building the necessary foundation / context for what I am communicating about.)