My Application at the Moment

I have not been consistent with my blogs and vlogs of late. Or much else for that matter, though my mind has been consistent and has been consistent since starting process with desteni. There has been allot of resistance coming up lately. Where I just stop applying myself and literally do nothing. Just existing in observer mode, scanning around on my computer instead of directing self. And in my world doing just the minimum to keep things alive from the perspective of making sure bills are paid. So this has been my application recently. I can call it giving up on myself or something like that but that’s just “cream puffing” it. Or more specifically Manipulation. Saying I have given up on myself is like the whole “underdog thing” who suddenly rises from the ashes or out of the burning building when everyone thought he was finished. That’s one way how I attempt to perceive myself. Its a form of Hope, that I keep inside me. A Hope that I will actually become that which I perceive myself to be within my mind, within my imaginary reality, hoping that this reality is real, because in this reality, this imaginary reality, something ‘great’ happens, There is a happy ending. But this has not yet happened in my real reality. But it is interesting to see this point of waiting for or holding out hope that “something great will finally happen” like it has to, it just has to. Oh how magical. And in some way, holding onto this hope is one of the reasons I keep applying myself. But I see it as a delusion and that until I can let go of this delusion, I will never actually “get anywhere” in real practical reality.

I mean I always saw myself as so much more than I am at the moment, so much more capable, so much more profound. Its like I sit here within my world and look at the potential inside myself and just look at it, but it rarely seems to translate into this reality. At the moment I have quite a ‘knot’ in my neck on the left side. (Maybe from Knot applying myself) This is a reoccurring pain which runs up the left side of my neck, through my jaw, along behind my ear and up to my temple. I slept 11 hours today. That’s the second time I have done that since getting back from the farm loooooong time ago now, 10 months or so. I just slept and laid in bed, knowing I should get out but not. Just laying there. Last night I was very tired at around 10:30 which is rare, though I just went to bed and fell asleep and woke up and was tired. I have been tired allot lately. Probably because I have been in this application of living/existing in my mind. So have noticed myself more tired and more heavy. And so its so much easier to lay in bed from a certain perspective, I mean its not that its easier its more like, I just lay there. Knowing I am in my mind, but not caring. So it is a form of giving in, and allowing the mind. Like tired of fighting the mind, god the mind is relentless. This process is not all roses. Fuck I have been doing this for 4 years now.

So I have not been blogging allot lately or vlogging because I have really only had ‘this’ to report what I am writing now. This is what is actually going on with me at the moment. So there are moments like this in process. I have walked through a few. Like depression and things like that though I don’t like using the word depression as I feel it does not accurately describe my actual experience.

Today I was doing my SRA chat, and Leila mentioned the point of Art, Leila always brings this point up. In terms of art I have been noticing this point of anger and spite and rage within me towards the point, like for example when I see or here of artists selling their work or anything to do with art which is connected to making money. So I have been noticing this point of anger in me here in relation to this point which shows me that it is still a point that requires direction one way or another as I apparently gave this point some direction but really just “left it hanging” I don’t do much drawing or art at the moment, in the last 2 months I have been making these designs for a lady which I decided to “try out” to get an idea of how this entire process worked from the perspective of doing graphic design as a way to make money. I feel like the lady is really taking me for a fucking ride, though this is obviously just me. I charged 250.00 for the entire project and I said within myself that I would “not do it for the money” from the perspective of I required the experience to see how this worked. Anyways I just keep quiet as this lady gives me all these specifics of what she would like and I simply get it done. I have probably spend around 80 hours on the project so far so making a grand total of about $4.00 per hour and the project has likely another 10 hours to go, though I am getting some experience and examples of “my style” in graphic design to use to promote myself in this field. This is also my first time really getting into the illustrator program which I think is really really cool. I decided I would do this. I decided I would start making logos for people as this seemed like a good idea, but have not yet gotten this point launched. It seems practical when looking at it though could not come up with a name for the company which was a problem because well, the whole idea is that I come up with cool Logos for people yet I could not even come up with one for me so I really got stuck on this point. I have a name now which I am going to use. Though if I keep going in the same direction I am at the moment this will actually not get any movement and will never happen. That is clear. Ok there it is my glorious application for all to see, not the pretty picture roses version but the actual version.

It does get tiring trying to Lift myself up all the time. Because that’s what I feel like allot of the time, like I am constantly just trying to lift myself up off the ground and sometimes I wonder if there is a different way. Meaning does it have to be like this where I am just always trying to, or am constantly lifting myself up off the ground or floor and getting myself up and then crash back down again. Then Ok, life (oops typo – though it is lifeing myself up as I breathe some life into me and stand up) I meant lift myself up again and then crash. Like a baby learning to walk, only it is a “mental experience” the crash happen within the mind, and ‘I’ go crashing with it. So I could go now and write about how I am going to stand and do this and do that and try and put a positive spin on things but I don’t see the point at the moment to try and “give hope” or paint a pretty picture of process. Like in the end trying to put a “positive spin on things” because that is irrelevant, either one stand or one don’t and to stand one must face all there is to face to Stand.

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Filed under Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing

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