So at the moment still busy with the “business” (snow removal service)
I have found myself to be much more quite inside since taking this point which has been quite cool. I see it as that point of extensive anxiety in relation to money is no longer there. Though the point of money, and fear of not having money and how I have defined myself in relation to money is still here within me, it is simply that point of extensive fear that has been directed within taking on the point of starting the business, so have found within me ‘more’ silence, which I am grateful for.
So slowly but surely standing up and pushing the point of generating money for myself in this world.
Today though I did see this “point of anxiety” coming up again as I “started to calculate” if I would have enough money for end of the month rent and bills, and noticed that I would not, and so this kind of ‘panic’ comes up and I then start looking for/at “how am I going to make this money”.
Though at the moment am finding I have more trust in myself within this scenario to be able to actually “get the money somewhere” and I see this being directly related to the point of finally taking on the point of “starting my own business”
I see also “what it took” to get me to this point. I mean, it took allot of fucking fear to get me to move my ass. If I look at the situation, I was in quite a state of fear and anxiety over the last month or so, but in looking see that this started when I first arrived back in calgary, slowly nagging at me.
So at the moment I see the point of me “riding the line” and like “right on the edge” obviously though I am looking to change that so I am not existing at this point of “being right on the edge” from the perspective of having enough money to support me in this world. Rather I am looking at “How can I actually Make some Money”
So this has been an interesting point, also in relation to the videos posted about the ‘symbolic imprinting’ in the movie twilight where it was explained how the move twilight is ‘imprinting’ males to “become stable in the system” because essentially this is the point that I see I am facing at the moment, is me getting stable in the system.
So this business is a start.
Though am considering and looking at/for more permanent solutions which can actually “create stability” because at the moment this business is focused only on the winter months.
One point I am looking at is Graphic Design as a point of being able to generate an effective income, so have started to push this point also, though the movement on this one is much much slower than the “snow removal” Though am interested in exploring this as well as a means of possible income.
So would like to save up and buy a “wacom drawing tablet” which is an expensive digital drawing tablet as I see that I can actually with that actually be able to “compete” within this graphic design field.
I actually go my first Graphic Design Client this afternoon – I sent a proposal like a few weeks back, and finally today got the first down payment to make them some t-shirt designs.
At the moment I am not getting paid too much, though I see this stuff will take time to build up where I can start offering more
though also the point coming up here is consider “how I perceive myself” in relation to money” and definitely investigate “how much I ask for”
Again seeing the point of “walking the line” where I design my reality always to “just have enough money” Though I do see this point now, so will check back in a few months to see if I have actually moved on this point or am sitting in the same boat.
So yes basically looking at, as well as directing/moving this point of Graphic Design and Illustration – I go under the name “Eternal Design and Illustration”
Interesting phrase to “go under a name” – Its like I am hiding behind the name or something.
Also I have been really spending much time alone at the moment, and am just busy with the snow removal service and ensuring I have all the of the correct information in order and client info and things like this, and waking up at 6:00am to begin the circuit/route which at the start of Jan will have 8 stops.
So yes have noticed me walking alone at the moment, still not allot interaction with beings in my world on a ‘personal level’ There was a party at my house the other night, I was there a bit and chatted but was in bed early.
Ok that’s it for now.
Just focusing on getting stable within the system – which is basically getting money. That’s my main focus atm.
within this point of stability everything else “goes to shit” or “never gets anywhere” So first money, as I am looking at this as a point which will also assist and support me in stabilizing my written work and sra and desteni stuff as well as art. So money being the foundational stability point to this other stuff.