I began my day as usual by waking up to my alarm. I got up and went and made myself a coffee. One of my primary points/thoughts coming up today was with regards to work. I experienced an anxiety in relation to this point because I do not yet have a ‘steady job’ in place. This point seems to be the primary point within my world at the moment, needing and requiring myself to find a Job. I search daily on the internet for work but have yet to come across a Job that I feel will best suit what I am doing. I find there is a point of anxiety that comes up within this where in I experience the question of “am I doing enough” Since getting back to Canada some months ago now, I have experienced this anxiety/playing out nearly the entire time, as it has become a primary ingredient in my overall experience of myself. And I have not been able to “shake it” From my perspective it seems as though if I were to get myself a Job than this point would actually stop…..Ok enough speculation lets move onto something more solid. I worked with my drawings some today, I began placing them 1 by 1 into plastic sleeves in preparation for selling. This experience that I have been having towards my Art Work has been well…exactly that…an expereince of emotional feeling reactions and highs and lows and doubts etc. Though I continue working with point because it is here and so I am managing the point from the perspective of utilizing it to make money. Here though lies the point of Validity, I have had to push through the experience I have almost daily or even constantly that Art and what I am doing with it is “not valid” fascinating that actually I have been walking with this point for some time now. Another aspect working with Art is the whole side of pricing the work. So within this at the moment, I noticed that my pricing is not actually set within an equation that will actually be able to support me within my world. It has been a bit tricky to establish this price because most of the work I have is past work and in this has already been made, so its easy to place a low price on it because its like as if is already Here, though at the time, I spent many hours creating the piece. I also placed a local add on craigs list advertising myself as an Art Tutor. Will see how this goes. The point that is coming up at the moment is – what if I did not have to fucking deal with this art point. With this fucking game I play weather its good or bad or whatever, trying to hang onto it, like God sometimes I just wish the fucking point would disappear. And I could just get on with other things. Its such a fucking delusion because here I am working with all my old stuff, and looking at and dealing with all my old pictures and never getting around to actually actively working with creating some new stuff, to see if in fact my application within art has some value. Because all my old work is “empty” sure some interesting stuff but just an expression for expression sake, not yet considering the greater picture. Sometimes I think that I am creating the whole point of failure within art myself which is one reason why I don’t want to give it up, because I feel that if I do, it would actually just have been me manipulating myself into believing that I actually am not able to do it and that its worthless. Its fucked up though because then the other side of the coin is me manipulating me into believing that it is in fact Valid. When I say ‘valid’ I mean founded and based upon the principle of “what is best for all”. I really cannot see myself travelling with my work at all. I mean what is fucking point of painting and drawing pictures for money – I suppose there are other sides to “visual arts also” like the illustrative side, or marketing or providing pictures to support in explanations of things. I experience a point of dis – ease inside me when I work with this point because I just can’t seem to “get myself fully into it” Like I think of someone like robert who is doing programming or someone who is going into politics, its like the thing they chose will assist and support them more because it is relevant in what desteni is doing and the emergence of an equal money system. So from this perspective art is fucking annoying. Why? Because what the fuck is the Use. I should take the art outside and Burn it. Just Burn Everylast piece. Then it would be done with. Although I can still see that there within me would be the ‘urge’ to start something new, like make a new drawing. But At least then it would be new. Its Unfortunate that I was not able to sell much of my Art work, I would say maybe 15 percent of it. Its like I couldn’t figure out what to do with then, and I cant figure out what to do with it now. Its like I have to create a like about it in order to present it to sell, and I really can’t think of anything to say about the work. Thats probably because when I made it, I wasn’t really ‘saying’ anything. Basically I am just writing about this shit, that is going on inside of me in relation to this point to see if I can just get the fucking thing directed. Basically I am placing art everyday on this site to sell. I see the point as actually just mathematics where if I am constant in my application and just keep compounding the point that eventually something will sell. And within this principle I will actually be able to make money, just simply keep applying pressure on the point until it moves, Its not a matter of if its good or bad, that’s irrelevant, the application is based on Mathematics. This point of pushing this equation and working out the mathematics of everything I actually find I enjoy more than the work itself. Although I have noticed that my numbers will not support me in terms of money. Speaking of Mathematics. I should really raise the prices, How I have it placed now, I surely will not be able to create a functional sustainable equation. I see the point of actually fearing raising the price. Which is Odd because I see here that price is arbitrary as price and value is arbitrary within this world at the moment, and if I actually look at it, I am making about 12-15 dollars an hour considering the amount of time and space it requires to place one of these works. I am at the moment looking for 20$ per hour job as anything else would be just barely breaking even each month so with the drawings, for some reason I have allowed myself to actually underpriced them, and have justified this. I mean its easier to underprice them because people with think your humble instead of egotistical. And I mean as long as “look good” and retain “my character” thats compete bullshit because that is just personality polarity, and completely based on fear, and worrying “what others might think” Ok I am going to give my price some reconsideration, because it seems with what I have now, if I started to sell them, that I actually would end up selling all my product off and not really have made any money at all. Fuck – Ok I am going to look at this again.
Otherwise today was alright. I mean I am not going to school or have a job at the moment, so spend each day at the house here with myself mostly, It actually has been pretty interesting in a way I suppose where I am becoming more self honest and directed within my application with myself alone. More consistent and find that I require much less “flashes and whistles and bells” to keep myself moving. I simply move myself within the understanding of this is my world at the moment, so I direct me. And not go into the point of believing that because seemingly nothing is happening that “I am doing the wrong thing” So it has simply been a point of remaining here and applying me within what is here with the internet and forums and the art stuff and the occasional work that I have had here in the city.
I have been busy it seems, daily, up around 8 and to bed around 1:30 2:00 and busy the entire time. Like just focusing on getting the necessary points placed, like forums read, and internet support and placing art on etsy, and SRA, the days have been full and I have been pushing myself to remain focused and Here throughout my day, but there is still that point of “trying to get everything done” throughout the day. Where I Kind of rush at times or experience anxiety of trying to get everything done, and in fact I have actually only created art a few days since being back here, like just being quite busy with Desteni Stuff. I see that I would like to make art, and that I would like to study something, I mean I am seeing many studying at the moment, and this makes me really question my application, and why I am not studying. Obviously at the moment I don’t have the money, unless I take a funded course which would be something like electricity, I think they fund those courses and the person can work right away. But I can’t seem to talk myself into this one. Seems like life choice to study electricity for some years than work in your own business under another of some more years then finally after about 8 to 10 years have you own thing. I mean is that really how I want to place myself. Fuck this question has actually been a LOOMING question within lately to. Its like sitting there with all the other stuff with Art and Jobs and School, and how I am going to place myself, and there is this fucking point with electricity. Fuck I just can’t see it. I just can’t bring myself to take that direction. I discussed this point on the Farm with Bernard a few times, and Even then I would go into like a fucking shock every time he brought it up. It just seemed so out of place, but I considered it and willed myself to do some research on the point to see what was available and I mean, from the perspective of it being pretty much free to get into and you will get a paying wage right away, its actually pretty cool. But then that would be like my life. Not more Art Obviously, that would be my education. Electricity, not politics or anything like that. SO fuck I just can’t fucking get myself to do it, It just seems so off. Its like the polarity of the Art Point LOLOLOL its like the negative end of the spectrum where there exist a point that “is just off” and then in the positive side, I have the Art which “is just off” although I am actually ‘closer’ to art in a way so I guess from that perspective it is not really the same. But interesting in a way though.
Sometimes I wonder if I would simply let the Art point go that I would become much more effective within my application and could then just focus more on the information processing and communication stuff. Or if I were to get into the art a little more that I would become more effective. This is the kind of shit that has been/is existing inside of me, so I am simply writing it here because I have got to get this fucking point clear and directed with what the fuck I am going to do and stop the polarity debate stuff – It is just not fucking clear yet, so ya, gotta get this point directed.