Daily Writing – Oct 3
The Point of “Not Having a Job” has come up in a SRA session, so I am going to write about it here, as this has been a prominent point now that has been coming up. Today and yesterday in particular I have noticed more thoughts coming up with regards to this point. The experience in relation to these thoughts as been, ‘heavy’, ‘dark’, ‘black’, Like ‘Tar’ and “Heavy Dark Clouds” I have been ‘fighting’ within this point from the perspective of ‘attempting’ to remain Here as I direct myself during my day, and not go into the experience, but I have found this point is like a point that sits inside of me, like a point of dishonesty. I see this experience as a “Resonant Point”. The memory of the Farm comes up now, where I was going through a similar experience of “Resonant Possession” which I see as ‘Fear’. Though I cannot recall the exact point I was going through, I simply remember the experience I was having was like a ‘Fear’ or ‘Anxiety’ that just sat heavy in my chest and I could not “shake-it” no matter what I tried, also this is the same point that I had coming up within the Agreement where it was like a ‘point’ that prominently discordant with the rest of everything else and within this cause ‘warble’ in a way that start very small, and expand and expand until I am consumed by this intense energetic fear’ anxiety sitting in my chest. This Experience in relation to ‘work’ and ‘job’ is exactly this point of resonant possession that went through on the farm. So I must look at this point. The point with the agreement I found that I had to direct myself to “make a decision” within the agreement to either continue or not, and found that within looking at the point, that they only way to actually ‘address’ the “inner warble” from the perspective of directing that discordant point within myself was to end the agreement within the decision to “go back to the matrix” So if I look at this point here now what do I see. Firstly that I am experiencing fear because I don’t have a job lined up. I have enough money to last me for about another two to three weeks. So the thoughts and experiences coming up are – “what If I can’t find a job” I mean the experience I am having at the moment is that of fearing running out of money. Plain and Simple, that is the fear. It is not weather what I am doing is effective or not, it is the point simply of fearing running out of money, and not being able to find a job from the perspective of being ‘stuck’ and then having to go back to my parents house, but now this is just getting into projection.
Another point that has been coming up today is the point of SRA, because as I write out this point here, the point of using SRA to look at the point comes up, yet within this there is a frustration because I am so all over the map with SRA, meaning, I still have not established a stable foundation for this application yet. I today have just now signed back up so am busy downloading every lesson from the beginning so that I have Everything Organized as that will be my starting point for starting again with SRA. The last few month have been difficult because I have not know weather or not to Do SRA or to just stop until I signed back up, so occasionally I would do a little bit here in there on my own, but felt “out of place” and ‘disconnected’ due to the fact that I was not signed up for SRA, and did not have a buddy, and was kind of just “on my own” this application was not effective as I ended up experiencing myself that I was not getting anywhere with my sessions. So today when I went onto the Forum I noticed that everyone was doing the lessons in what seemed like an orderly fashion and I just felt overwhelmed and frustrated , like, shit I have to start from the very beginning again to get this point stable and effective, and so just say off into the distance with no end in site so to speak. Ok Self Forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am “way behind” with SRA
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that I am lost
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust a feeling
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust thoughts feelings and emotions of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I did my sessions wrong and that I was ineffective with my SRA structural development and thus have not solid foundation and that my whole process with SRA thus far is pointless and counts for nothing, and that I must start ALL over.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience jealously towards others who seem to have all of their SRA in order.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into frustration over this point, within defining myself and seeing myself as “someone who is unorganised”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not effective with SRA, and that what I have done thus far is irrelevant and not valid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count myself out so quickly
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within my application of SRA instead of forgiving myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into memories of myself within writing and how I experienced myself as so ineffective within this point.
I see this one memory in particular where I was sitting at the computer and I had been working on an Essay for days then. I have written something like 6 copies of the essay and could just not get the thing to work. I experienced so much frustration, sadness and anger, This is the exact point that I am experiencing at the moment which has/is coming up with SRA. Even as I write this point out here I see the experience of frustration coming up and anger and sadness, particularly because I have not “structure” to place and organize my writing in. I mean SRA is supposed to be that structure and mine is not effective, and I have not established a structure yet to place each point specifically and be able to see and ‘direct’ that point within clarity and within context. So this is a bit frustrating that this point has not yet come through. Its like I just fucking write, I just write in the moment when it comes up and when its over, its over. Although now, I am lost because I have never bothered to structure the points that come up in a way which supports me so that I do not ‘repeat’ myself which is the point I see coming up here. That I have done so much work, so much writing, so many pages, and I feel as if all of this work is ‘lost’ and that I have to “do it all over” because I did structure myself effectively and all this work that I have done, is now incomplete, and disorganized. Like a mess inside me. And I don’t know weather to continue, or to abandon ship and start all over again.
So these have been two prominent points that I have been experiencing today.
There is also the point of doing to many things, and not actually getting any flow or rhythm in what I am doing because its like I do 100 little things each day, and never get a rhythm and actually get results. Its like I am spread out all over the place, So I must address this, I see it as I have/am attempting to do to many little different things in one day, and because of this never actually get past the surface of anything and get in a little deeper because I don’t give myself the time a space to do so. So must look at this point. One practical solution would be to Structure my days based on a week rather than on a day, meaning I don’t do everything everyday, but rather spread out the tasks to only certain specific days where i can do this.
So getting back to the job. Ya I experience fear with this point. Like when I sit down to draw, because I actually sat down to draw today, this fear comes up. If someone Handed me 5000 dollars right now, I surely would not rush into a job, this indicates that “it is not the job” per-se that is causing the anxiety and fear within me from the perspective of “what I am doing here at the moment with internet work and some drawing once and while” being not valid and that I must find a job that is more practical and supportive in this reality – The actual point here is cold hard cash. This is the priority point as to why I am experiencing this anxiety resonant point, I mean I look at it, if I had sufficient money, the anxiety and fear, would simply not be here.
Fascinating – So in seeing this point I can stop with the Guilt within doing art, although I see this guilt point in relation to art actually being linked to money – will have to look closer at this.