Writing Self To Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 28th 2010
Today was a little different than usual, a change in the routine so to speak. I will start from Here and Work Backwards, I just read some forum posts and checked my mail. A quick scan over the basics as I just arrived home. I read a post on the subscription forum with regards to someone experiencing have this experience of themselves while breathing, as I read through the post I could see contempt coming up within me and jealousy. In a way, hoping that their experience was not valid because if it was then what comes up within me is that I believe then that that being will be seen as special, and in a way distances me further away from “being valid” so this point is in relation to how I see and experience myself within process as being invalid. I began to open this point up yesterday during an SRA session. This point of me experiencing myself as invalid and accepting and allowing myself to submit to that and participate with this construct from a victimization position of myself. Seeing myself as unable to make process, and also the point of accepting limitation, like believing that no matter what I do, I actually believe that I will be unable to change, so see the point as well that I will actually not change until I forgive myself and allow myself to let go of this belief, which is based in comparison and separation, where in I feel like I am competing against others. But I will place that aside for the moment and continue with my “Writing Out My Day” Well I just had a few problems with my Van which cause reaction in me. I see the point of me actually judging myself because “my world is not perfect” Like within process I attempt to keep my world in order so that it is a “nice” reflection to “how together” I am within my process and life, and that if someone is having car troubles or is sick or something than I see that as being “bad” That’s a fuck up, I mean, what am I attempting to hide under the surface presentation of my life. “That I have it all together” “that my life works” “That I am effective” and in a way, even my stability within being able to handle points still as an energetic attachment of “wanting to remain stable as a ‘representation’ of how good I am in process” which is the point still of applying myself for others. So Ya, at about 4:30 my friend called me to see if I could help out at his job for a bit working at a “high end” furniture store. I agreed, and thought, cool “a change of pace” I have noticed that I am quieter of late, like in those moments of silence, where I am driving my van or just in the kitchen or something and it is quite, it is like I am also more silent within myself, less mind chatter, more silent . Pretty Cool. Anyways I mention this because I am now at the point of the ‘my day’ where I drove to work. So it was a welcome change, though I had to walk through some reactions in the moment that came up from the perspective of now taking me out of my comfort bubble, but this was simple, just breath and walk and don’t go into the reactions. I was at the stage where I was about to start on my drawing, but then did not get time for it because I went to help out instead at my friends work. On the way I thought I would record some audio stuff of me speaking as I drove to work. But my cell phone audio only lasted about 2 min, so that idea did not work out. I have been enjoying the Van because when I drive I can speak self forgiveness and also sometimes speak to myself, like explain a point to ‘practice speaking’ though I still hold back quite a bit, not yet allowing myself to “get into it” because I am actually just alone with myself with me and still perceive see the point as being weird – like “what if I am mind fucking myself” kinda question comes up – Actually that was one of the influencing points with regards to why I decided to record myself, so that I would not just be talking to myself. Anyways my Van has been smelling like Gas now for the last 15 days or so, when I first noticed it, I couldn’t really be certain if it was a new smell. SO I kinda just kept an eye…or a noes on it to see if it got worse or corrected. It never got better and eventually in the mornings my Van would not just start right up as usual, it actually would turn over a few times before igniting. “Shit” I thought inside myself, but still was existing in hope within the point. Hoping the Van would miraculously cure itself. It did not, and today when I arrived at the work place to assist my friend, we began working and the boss came out and commented that it smelt like Gas. Fuck, I immediately took the point personally, like seeing myself as irresponsible because we were in an indoor parking facility and now gas is smelling the place up. The “taking the point personally” was in relation to “the first impression” I was meeting this women for the first time, and could potentially work with her in the future, so experienced embarrassment, and a point of inferiority because my van was smelling like gas, and the point came up that now they will remember me as the guy who’s van stunk the place up on his first day. So I was there in the flesh lending a hand, and I was also there in aroma. There was not escaping me. But the Van Point was interesting from this perspective. When I arrived my friend who had called me, you could tell was rushing to get done, and in a kind of anxiety and panic, subtle, but it was there, and also this point was there with the boss as well. And they were pushing to get things done, because it had been a long day for them, so there was this kind of movement taking place that was not done in self presence, and I find when ever one begin to move from the perspective of the mind than one miss details and skip over things. Which eventually compound and cause a problem…like a Gas Leak. So ya I was a bit distraught myself with regards to my Van, like thinking, Ok how did I create this point. Because not only this…but when we went to leave we both hopped in my van and put our windows down, but the passenger side window does not do up and now its stuck down! So it was a chilly drive home tonight, and now the Van is sitting on the street with the Window down. So not only did this Gas Leak reveal itself today, the window point as well. It had been broken for a while but I never have passengers in my van so never bothered to get it checked out. Mainly due to Money. I simply cannot afford it. I Spent some time today doing a job search and just looking at what is out there for Jobs. I applied to one Job as an animal care person, where I would go and live in people’s houses and take care of their pets while they are on holidays. This could be cool. I really enjoy being with animals and also see the point of how it develop cool responsibility within a person to actually be responsible for an animal, and that that takes quite a commitment to develop that point of trust with the animal from the perspective of being stable within the point and “being there” for them in a way. And that one cannot actually fake this point but that it must be an actually physical walking, so this develop cool self discipline. So We will see if I get a return mail. I mean I am searching but everything I see, or allot of things I see as jobs want you to like “make a career out of it” and sign up like full commitment, and I actually would like to first establish a point where I could still applying myself within Desteni SRA and also the etsy website. Though it did “feel good” to get out today and “make some money” even though it was only a little bit, it simply was a nice feeling. Money is a practical point within this reality, so cool to make sure that point is in place as I walk this process. So ya, now I must figure out these points with the Van, which I have been resisting in allot of ways due to money. Because I do not have a stable job yet, I am watching my money, as to ensure that I can live of of what i have saved until I get the job in place and than can actually “move points” meaning get my van fixed, and do my taxes and
things like this. Also though I am projecting allot with regards to van, like seeing a “BIG” problem instead of just looking at what is actually the case with the van, I mean the problem could just as well be easily fixable. But the point is time and money, also still holding on to the comfort zone point, where in “not really wanting to” take on the point of fixing the van and getting that directed. So within the experience of myself with regards to the van, I immediately saw this point of how I was/am resisting/avoiding facing the point because I would then have to break out of my routine and do something other than what I have been doing. But Now as I write this out, I see the primary point is Money, where in my resistance is more related to not wanting to face this point of fixing the van because it might cost money, and I fear this because I don’t have money to place into the Van at the moment, so that is the point I am avoiding/resisting. There is a guy here where I live that seems to know quite a bit about vehicles and I could just ask him, which I have been resisting doing also over the last few days. “I don’t want to bother him” Lol – Probably because “I don’t like it when people bother me” where I have to “help them out” – So within this the point again is comfort zone, where I am “getting to comfortable, instead of simply being HERE free to move and direct myself in any direction that requires direction. So my world is to precious still, not wanting disruptions, which is not valid because this entire world is a disruption, and that until this point is sorted out, it is not valid to try and hide from it and not face it by just hiding out in my room hoping not be bothered or thrown off course. It was actually cool to be in a different environment tonight, I realized within this that it is one thing to be alone, but also it is necessary to be effective with people as well, and be able to direct points immediately in the moment, thus while with people to breathe and remain here, as points move fast.