Energy Monster

I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself from the perspective of trying to get others to listen to me.

The point I see is that who I am as the expression of myself is not really me, from the perspective that when I express myself, I am not expressing ‘myself’ from the starting point of expressing myself as “unconditional expression”  but rather, from the starting point of expressing myself, so that I get a response, meaning, that I want others to ‘respond’ in such a way that “they see me” or ‘acknowledge’ me in “a certain way”. Within this I am experiencing and seeing my self expression as, not being authentic.  Authentic from the perspective that I express myself, not in wanting to “get results” but from the starting point of me expressing me, with no desired outcome, realizing that I am simply sharing myself. And that I do not “require” to get anyone’s attention or approval, or to get a specific desired response out of them.

I am finding my expression very ‘unsatisfying’. This has been my experience of myself of late, which is actually cool. Why? Because I am seeing “who I am” in my expression, and this ‘seeing’ is becoming quite obvious, where before I did not see what I was doing, and where now, I am, in that I see in most of what I am expressing/speaking, is not really me.

What I mean in saying that this “is not really me” is that I see that this expression, that is not really me, which is revealing itself more and more, in moments where before I would not see it, is not really me because it is ‘so fake’. Instead of actually expressing myself, I automatically “go to” certain responses or phrases, or sayings, or words, that I believe will garner a certain, specific, response from those around me, instead of,  me actually expressing myself in self honesty, in saying what I really have to say, in where I express me without trying to get a certain reaction or response out of another.

So my expression is not really me – because in fact it is “to get a response” it is an act, a calculation, it is manipulation- to see if “I can get something” not actually, expressing myself,

and this is what I “call’ self expression.

As if “we as ourselves” do not actually ever speak, but have what we are going to say or possibly say, already all mapped out and programmed in, for every possible experience that may occur for the rest of our lives, so that when the moment arrives to communicate, we are not actually speaking as ourselves in the moment with “what is really here” but actually are speaking as an automatic  all-ready program, just pulling up files, that in fact has nothing to do with the moment but solely with attempting to get energy – this is how I have been experience myself in communication.

 

I have looked at why this is, and what I see is that this is related to energy creation. The words and phrases we have accepted as ourselves, and stored and compiled within ourselves for possible use, are those that have been observed by us, to get a specific response. Meaning, that it  generates “a specific kind of energy” that we have accepted and allowed,  ourselves to define and create as ourselves, thus – we are always looking for ways to GET this energy which essentially, is a means of survival, or self creation, as the more of the kinds of energies we get that we like, and have created ourselves as, the ‘MORE’ , “we are” so to speak, from an energy perspective– thus when ever a moment arrives to communicate with another, we ignore the moment completely, we disregard the moment, and instead of speaking within the moment as self presence,  we, instead of actually communicating as ourselves, deliberately go into “program –mode” and begin to pull out, and place  “common pre-programmed responses/ phrases” we have all-ready compiled within ourselves, to GET ENERY. Fuck communication, I want energy. I don’t care what you are really saying, I would rather just try and extract energy from this moment. We as humanity are ruthless and unrelenting in our wanting, wanting, wanting. I have observed this point within myself. That I don’t actually speak to beings, but in fact manipulate them and manipulate the moment to get more energy, to feel alive.

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3 Comments

Filed under Life Experiences

3 responses to “Energy Monster

  1. Wow Andrew, that is a scary thought. I think I also fall into the programmed mode to some degree. I teach, and sometimes I think I’m talking to hear myself talk. I’m speaking for effect. I wonder if it makes me feel good to say the things I’m saying, the things I’ve stored for saying. Teaching is an act of storage and retrieval. I think you are right on certain levels that we actually do just default to program mode. There does seem to be a more personal mode of expression where we are engaging with our true selves. Aren’t we continually finding who we are and expressing that? It seems we are searching to understand ourselves and others and want to be understood. I think it would be completely unauthentic to speak out of this program mode when we are with people we want to understand us. Sure, we do fall into it continually, but it seems if we are in touch with our true selves and know we truly want to be understood, we could not bear to be merely selfish energy monsters repeating our stored data. I think it would make us sick and we would loathe ourselves.
    Did you get energy from this? And am I seeking energy from you? Interesting post.

    • its cool, at this point I am still observing when this comes up, and now, am at least considering/seeing the point of “what is real communication” from this ‘new’ perspective. This alone was something that I was not doing before, so that’s cool.

      What Im seeing for myself as real communication is simply speaking to another without actually wanting something from them or trying to get something from them, or trying to convince them of anything.

      A point to look at is the point of “wanting to be understood”
      why would one want to be understood
      what would one perceivibly, be missing or lacking, if they are not being understood
      Are you the same, regardless if others ‘understand’ you.
      are you less if another does not understand you.

      I have found for myself that standing within the understanding and of equality, all the stuff about trying to become more is not real – because all are equal. And actually no one is more than another.

  2. Yoseph Shepherd

    Great understanding, I will look at this point within myself further! I think this deal with communication that you speak of happens frequently.
    Thank you

    oh, about what you said with energy is REALLY something to dwell on.

    Yoseph

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