Who The Hell am I, and Who Have I Become?

self-portrait-on-wash-background1

Who the hell am I, and who have I become? I have to ask…in fact, I am compelled to ask, I cannot help but ask , i Have reached then end where the only thing left to do is ask

To look at myself and realize what I am actually living for. What I have accepted as Life and have “made peace with” in terms of what I actually believe this a life is all about.

I haven’t made that much money selling my art or utilizing my skills as an artist. Mostly I have been reluctant to “put myself out there” I have always taken a passive approach to promoting myself and my art and I see this as one of the main reasons I have never really developed a stable cash flow with my art. Most of the time my art  just piled up in my studio. I Never really considered that I would actually have to sell it myself. That I would have to make myself seen – in the same way as I deliberately painted a painting, I would have to then deliberately place the artwork and myself into view so that it can be seen – a step that I entirely ignored…UNTIL NOW

However I am aware of the “starving artist construct” and have observed my experience within this, and my beliefs around this. I am/was fine to create the art, but when it came down to the point of money, I became self conscious and was usually ready to compromise on the selling price. I have done this to the point of  giving it away by donation on the street – to selling original drawings for a few bucks right out of sketchbook.  Even when I was represented by a gallery I always had a fear about the price of my work.  A fear that I would never find a buyer.

I can see that this fear did not have so much to do with art as it did with my Fear of having no money – looking at the world and seeing how money basically equals comfort – that was what I was really afraid of not having – Comfort, freedom, the ability to move, to rest comfortably at night – Linking all of these points to money – so really when I had a fear of not selling my art – it was because of the my perceptions/observations of how essential money has become in this world – in the functionality of our existence – And me being afraid of not  having enough to live comfortably in this world. And also for me as an artist – It costs money to create art – And Being an artist is a cool occupation – its like I worked to get myself into a postion that I was utterly afraid of losing – No money = no studio, no art supplies, no dream occupation, and I would find myself working some labor job somewhere – I realize now that there is nothing wrong with working a labor job or something like that – I was working to get my piece of the pie…i just wanted a comfortable life. And I mean how cool would it be to paint paintings all day – it really was a “dream” occupation.  Interesting to what a human being will end up settling for in this world – this existence –  In asking myself – what is actually possible in this existence? and to see that “the bottom line” that I had defined and created for myself all on my own – was to just get my piece of the pie – “to live comfortable” out of infinite potential within existence – this is what I “settled” on – living comforty.  I mean what is actually possible in this world/existence. What are we really capable of.  its seems stupid to have devoted my entire life to “getting comfort” its like I put on the blinders and zeroed in on this one point only – everything I did – was to get that one point. I wonder what we are actually capable of?

Surely more than what we have come to know as “living a comfortable life”  If this is all we are living for…..I mean dosent that seem a little funny to you?

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4 Comments

Filed under AndrewGableArtist, Artist

4 responses to “Who The Hell am I, and Who Have I Become?

  1. Laurie Siblock

    Andrew,

    What I see here is that all the while you were working on your art and letting it “pile up” in your studio, you’ve honed your skills and gotten exceptionally good. Time focused and well spent.

    I love the self-portrait. It’s excellent.

    Laurie

  2. Wow Andrew what profound thoughts for someone so young. You are a wise one that is for sure and because of that you will always be “rich”

  3. Sounds very familiar. I’m definitely in the same boat on many levels. Great post.
    Kevin

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