Finding a in this World – Resistances in Relation to Job/People – Oct 24/2010
Went to work again today at the horse Ranch. Really enjoyed working with and being around the animals there.
I also enjoy the this particular point with the guy who I am working with who actually is getting me to do everything, and really throwing me in the deep end. This is how I like to take things on. Though in a way he is still there as a stabilizing trust point as I walk through the procedures. Like today one of the tricky tasks is leading two horses into the stable at once, where one has to lead them through this single door way and into their stables. And so today as I did this, I arrive at the door to find that it has been deliberately closed so that I can “practice” opening the door myself, while holding two horses. I managed, not to gracefully through I might add.
But what I want to look at today particularly is this point I have coming up in relation to the guy I am working with and also towards people and the job in general.
I experienced myself as being “closed in” today. I experience this point where I simply “hold myself” within this kind of expression, but find that this is actually a kind of suppression, as I have in a way have taken the role of “one is learning” and so find that in this I don’t actually really express me, but more suppress myself from the perspective of making sure I “do everything right” and also expressing myself within the design of this teacher student construct/scenario where I make sure that within my expression I stay within the point of “being the student” So this is quite a fuck up.
A point that I experienced saw today, was the point of my “aversion” towards people, where my experience towards the guy I am working with is like, dead in a way, where I really am just holding and stopping myself from really going into any experiences at all towards this person, or even towards the job itself. Though I allow myself to enjoy the animals.
Today at lunch the guy training me, his name is Ricardo, he is from Mexico, asked me if I liked working here, and when he asked he was not making small talk, he wanted a straight answer you could say, which was actually pretty cool because this was actually a point of intimacy as I see it, so cool to see this being able to “go there” In any case, I was afraid to give my real answer. Why, because from a certain perspective, I assume that “it won’t be understood” but might be ‘interpreted’ in a certain kind of way.
I mean, I don’t feel like I can really say, that I experience myself “holding myself together”
Ok, but got off point here.
The question that came up today was in relation to the resistance/experience I was having. Where I just “wondered” in a way, what the fuck was really going on here.
What is this actual resistance I am experiencing?
I don’t feel like I am able to express myself within this context and workplace – now this is quite odd, because it is a quite ‘normal’ workplace so to speak, not unlike you would find anywhere else within this world, So the point I see within this is that I actually am just uncomfortable around people, and the resistance I experience towards people, has nothing to do with what I apparently perceive them to be doing, but rather is actually points that I have created within my self in how I have established myself in relation to other beings in my world.
Like from the perspective of, if I don’t get close to beings, then I won’t face those points of resistance. Its like I experienced myself today, walking around, and no matter what I said, or did, or agreed with, there was this frequency of detestment, or resentment, or kind of like a bitterness towards particularly this being that was training me. Like a general aversion to the being.
I experience this “off-ness” while I am there, like Ok there are some elements that are cool – but what the fuck is this “off-ness” that sits within every frequency of my being, like a disharmonic cord that resonate in every point and every expression of myself while I am there. Even when I am apparently ‘comfortable’ I still experience this disharmonic resonance at the “bottom” of it all. Fascinatingly enough, similar to the point I experience in the agreement I had on the desteni farm. Like a point that is just fucking off, and it is like this tiny point, but yet, there it is, permeating through the entire expression of the point.
So I am going to continue walking here within this point and see whats up.
I in a way look at this point as being related to “future projections” where I have created expectations and beliefs about how everything is supposed to work out and what is expected of me, and within this – a point of resistance emerge. Where I see myself as expected to do this and do that and do this and do that, and then from within this ‘aversion’ emerge inside me, within this expectation I have created of what is expected of me, which I don’t see myself actually fulfilling.
Like I want one thing
And they want another
And these points don’t align
And as such the point will not work
So I cannot pretend it will or hope it will
But I am going to walk more within this point because I simply want to see what the fuck is going on here, and see if I can push through some of these resistances which I see as not valid from the perspective of they are resistances and reactions, and that any resistance or reaction is not valid.