I started this drawing simply as self support. I had been doing a few other drawings at the time related to more specific illustrations for Desteni related projects and so I decided to do a “drawing for myself” just as a point to “loosen Up” Which I saw would be supportive on multiple levels.
One, to simply explore a different subject with my drawing tablet which I started using now about 2 months ago and so just exploring what is possible with it (digital drawing) and also just building up my ability within using it.
This then would intern assist with developing more specific skills for further refining the projects I was/am busy with, within desteni.
It also was a point of supporting me within a point/experience I was going through at the time.
This drawing actually initiated from a pain I had in my back. This pain was quite heavy and I decided to rather than just allow myself to “do what the pain wants” which is just to go relax and lay down in my bed, that I would find a way to be directive and so thus decided to make a drawing about it.
I have in the past also made similar themed drawings where I look at how to describe my experience or an experience or pain that I have had or am having using Art, and this was one of those artworks.
It is also about provding an image that can be used as support within the context of the desteni material and walking process – Naturally, everything I do now in art is within the context of walking process as this has slowly but surely become the total context of my life.
In starting the drawing I initially thought I would call the drawing “depression” as the pain I experienced in my back I saw more within the context of depression, as that heaviness that comes over oneself where in they really don’t feel like doing much. But that is precisely why I decided to rather do the drawing, because I required to give myself direction instead of accepting and allowing myself to be directed by this point of depression because in doing that, that would have just perpetuated the entire point/experience. I realized this and so rather decided to make the drawing as a point of support to not just continue to give into this point of depression and just wanting to “be depressed and do nothing” I also thought it would be good because then I would actually give this specific pain within my back some specific attention as I looked at and began the process of describing it using visual means. This way I really start to find words and ways to describe the experience/pain within myself.
I actually “missed the point” in the drawing which initially I was a bit frustrated about. Where once I had done the initial layout, I was seeing that my “description” or “Illustration” was not depicting/describing the actual experience/pain I was having. But this took a while to do the layout so just decided to follow the point through and remember to next time make sure I am more specific in making sure I get that exact point/pain/experience of self.
But for this one, I thought I’d just see the point through to also see if this frustration I had at “missing the point” was in fact real because I had had experiences before where I initially don’t like how some drawings are going but do not give up at that point and just push through that frustration, and end up satisfied in the end – Thus I decided to just keep going with it. I have done many drawings where it seems like it is “not working” for while to then push through that experience and find on the other side I am satisfied.
So I placed in the word “Guilt” today and I could actually relate to the image even though it was not exactly what I had intended to do in the beginning.
What I see is the following.
Stop guilt before guilt stops you!
If you look at the being in the image – he is completely weighed down by his guilt as the heavy rocks which he has accumulated through time. Eventually the guilt will hault you in your tracks.
This drawing shows that it is really impractical to carry around your guilt. And that you in fact can’t, because eventually it will just weigh you down until you are stopped in your tracks and in a way forced to let go of it.
This is interesting because I did not intend to illustrate this point as how I am now relating to it – so from a certain perspective the drawing is actually showing me something that I did not intend and was not expecting. Yet at the same time I was exploring a point within myself and ended up seeing an aspect of myself though not what I expected – Cool!
So yes, I see this point in myself of how I hold onto things (Guilt) so much until I literally can no longer move, where it just weighs me down and weighs me down
I must keep an eye on this point to make sure I am not accumulating the rocks of guilt where I am then racked with guilt which make it very difficult to move/express. Because in a way it is like I do not even notice I do it and then all this shit just builds up and pile on and I get stuck in my tracks. I mean if you look at the drawing – that is some Extensive Shit there – I mean that is like holding onto the shit until it is well beyond practical – And this is something that I see I have done in the past as well, Simply not forgiving myself for my past but just hanging on until it is just to much and I end up having no other choice to just let it go.
So I will continue my process of walking self forgiveness and work on this point of actually supporting me to Learning how to let go and forgive myself rather than just have all this shit pile up within me.
Watch The Timeline’s of Transformation by these Destonians who decided to walk the process of self change, self investigation and self forgiveness
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